2 blogs?!

I'm apparently going to have 2 blogs this school year. I have been asked to be one of the student bloggers here at EBC, which honestly is a huge honor to me and I am sooo excited to do it!! Reading Alise's blog (who is now a close friend of mine here at EBC) was so key to my taking the risk in applying and moving down here for school, and it's amazing to think that someone else could be encouraged and have their questions answered through reading my blog on the EBC website. 

Right now, the blogs aren't up yet. We had our "bloggers photoshoot" the other day, where Mark Beuving, the Dean of Students and my intro to Discipleship Counseling professor, took pictures of all 6 of us who will be blogging this school year. I'm going to put up some of the pictures for your viewing pleasure. I just sent in my first blog entry to Mark to put up on the website, but I'm not quite sure when he'll update the site and get them going. Probably soon. Anyway, here's a link to the blogs page: EBC student bloggers in case that doesn't work out, basically if you go to eternitybiblecollege.com, and click on the "future students" link on the left-hand side, then click on the "student bloggers" link on the left hand side of that page, you should arrive at the same place. 

So, I don't know how often I'll be updating this blog. Feel free to keep up with my EBC blog! I'm excited to be apart of such a neat project. :)

So here's all of us, starting with me from right to left: Josh, Alise, Brad, Scott and Torri. 
Alise, Torri, Scott and I are all mimicking our friend Gerry and his mannerisms
this one was just for fun: our evolution impression ;)
soccer team picture, anyone? 
I'm stuck in a hedge!!

Love: How To Really Love Other People

That's the title of my favorite chapter in Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz. I'm sure everyone and their dog has heard of this book, but bare with me, because today has suddenly become an ok day after I re-read this chapter, and I want to share this goodness with you.
I've been feeling in a bit of a daze since I've been in California. I don't really know how to explain it other than to say in a daze. I know I've used the example of being in a fog before, but it wasn't even like that. I just kind of felt like I'm trying to figure out how I "fit" here, and how I'm liked or whatever here (I hate that I even spend so much time on how I'm liked, but it's more like trying to figure out who actually likes me for who I am and not caving under the pressure to be whatever I think would be more likable).
I feel like in the midst of everything I've been trying to figure out and adjust to in being here, I've forgotten who I am and what the calling on my life has and always will be, no matter what environment/culture/people I find myself in. I am to love God, and love others. I feel like this truth has just been kind of stifled in my life since I came here to California. I don't really know why, it just kind of has. I guess I've been so caught up in trying to figure out how I fit, that I've forgotten what the main point actually is. It's not about me. It's about loving God and loving others.
I can't say I owe this entirely to my re-reading of Blue Like Jazz, because for one, I specifically looked up the chapter on love because I knew I needed to be reminded of something. I can recognize that all of this central-focused attitude has left me feeling inferior, unlikable, and pretty dumb. I also recognize that if I can switch up my focus from why I am not receiving the affirmation I am seeking from people here, and instead focus everything on my affirmation coming from Christ, then pouring out that fullness of His love to all around me regardless of how I am treated or seen, I will see myself and others as Christ sees us all.
Here's a snipet of the chapter that I love so much:
"Mr. Spencer [a professor at Westmont] then asked us about another area in which he felt metaphors cause trouble. He asked us to consider relationships. What metaphors do we use when we think of relationships? We value people, I shouted out. We invest in people, another person added. And soon enough we had listed an entire white board of economic metaphor. Relationships could be bankrupt, we said. People are priceless, we said. All economic metaphor. I was taken aback.
"And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. . . I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. . . I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more.
". . . I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people away from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson. "
I want to love in such a way that I recognize it as needing to be lavished upon everyone. I want it to just pour out of every area of my life, and I never want to withhold love because I think someone needs to "learn something" from it. That's not my job, and it never will be. I hope this never becomes lost in the daze again. I pray it won't.

My Supply

I'm finally in my new home in Simi Valley, CA. In my two-bedroom apartment, where, in the next couple of weeks, there will be four of us girls sharing this space. Sarah and I are here, and are sharing a room, and I already love her (don't say that's typical, ha ha). Our bedroom finally looks like a bedroom, as of about yesterday (we've been here three full days), but the rest of our apartment looks pretty barren. Our living room just has empty boxes and random objects that are hoping to sit on a bookshelf in the near future. . . paintings, school supplies, a vacuum, my $15 chair from the UGM store. . . aside from those things, it's pretty barren. Our kitchen has no fridge. I bought a $3 styrofoam ice box to keep frozen vegetables in, to cook with our ramen noodles for the time being. Sarah and I are so thankful because yesterday we found a fridge off of craigslist that the guy sold us for $150, and will be moving into our apartment today. $150 between the four of us comes to about $38.50 a piece! Amazing.

Since being here, I've been realizing how much it actually costs to live in your own place. Aside from rent (which is not easy even with the four of us, as this is southern california), there's water, gas, electric, wi-fi (which we are actually still debating purchasing), gas money, grocery money, any possibility for saving money. . .ugh. Aside from monthly expenses, the idea of actually furnishing our apartment feels overwhelming. Other EBC kids are constantly telling me about great furniture finds for free on curbs or in dumpsters, and so far, I just haven't seen anything. We are going to try hitting up some garage sales this weekend and some thrift stores, but it can still feel discouraged when I realize I need to pay for these things and I'm going job hunting during an economic recession.

I have this great little box of cards on my nightstand next to my bed that I got in the Philippines that says "God's Promises", and is full of these amazing and encouraging verses that remind me of God's Truth. I was thinking, once again, about how in the world I'm going to get a job and praying that I would completely trust in God's faithfulness and that He provides when His timing is best. I decided to sift through some of my Promise cards, as I like to do when I just need a little reminder of His Truth. Amazingly, this card was on the top of the pile when I opened the lid:

"My God in turn will supply your needs fully, in a way worthy of His magnificent riches in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19

What a wonderful truth that I needed to be reminded of! He will supply my needs fully. Not my definition of fully, either, but the one that He actually knows I need. And the fullness of His riches, which are not of this world, but are far greater!!

As I am getting ready to go out job hunting this morning, I'm keeping that verse in my prayer throughout my day. I can trust in the truth that He will provide for me. Whether that means I get a job soon, or in a few months. . . no matter what turns up, I know that He will provide my needs fully.

Across the Nations

I was just talking to a friend of mine in the Philippines on facebook chat, and reading a message from my ñaña (Quichua for sister; she's not really my sister, but we call each other ñaña, hee hee) in Ecuador, and I was thinking of just how incredible it is to be connecting to so many people across so many nations. Kuya Erwin was telling me how proud he was of me for choosing to attend Eternity Bible School, and congratulating me on my acceptance, and asked to pray over me and I just couldn't help but think of Paul's prayer for the church in Ephesians 1:16-19:

"I ask - ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory - to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is that He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him- endless energy, boundless strength!"

This has been a favorite of mine to pray over friends, and I couldn't help but feel humbled in realizing that Kuya's prayer for me was emanating that very prayer that Paul had, and that I love to pray over those who mean so much to me. To think, that I've only actually been around Kuya Erwin and Ate Rita in person for about a week and half, that Ivonne, my ñaña, and I only lived together for 2 and a half months, and yet I feel that I have this great connection and fellowship with them, as a family who are connected so strongly because of our shared love for Christ. It's incredible!!! It's humbling and awe-inspiring and a source of indescribable joy all at the same time. I just think of that song "How He loves us" which is just a constant repetition of that one phrase throughout the whole song. I am so amazed, constantly, about how He loves us. It's so surprising, refreshing, exhilarating and engaging every day! 

That passage in Ephesians, especially the part "grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him" I just feel a whole new wave of complete agreement with that statement within me. What a glorious way of life!! To have a glimpse of the extravagance of His work in us!! It's amazing. 

This may be just a bunch of rambling that doesn't entirely connect, but I guess I don't entirely care. I am amazed by how God can create such strong connections between people who barely see each other, all because of the unifying love of Christ. 

Refreshing

You know what is so beautifully refreshing? When someone believes in you. More specifically, when someone reminds you of the evidence of Jesus you carry. Being a glimpse of Jesus. Exuding the Spirit. Aaah, I love it. It's my ultimate hope and goal: to give people I come in contact with in life a glimpse of Jesus, hoping that leads to more. It's wonderful and gives my stomach a flutter when someone affirms that just that can be seen in me. Love it!

I also love getting letters in the mail. Like, handwritten letters. Or invitations to something. With a handwritten address on the envelope. I don't especially like printed out letters. I LOVE getting mail where I can see someone's handwriting, even if it's chicken scratch. It's from the heart, which is what counts in my book. Lately I've received a handful of letters just like that and it seriously brings me more joy than I should probably get from receiving a letter. Just the idea that someone is thinking of me and took the time to write to me, gives me the warm fuzzies. Maybe it's pathetic, but I refuse to see it as that. 

I've been feeling pretty. . . light lately. I like the word "light", because I've felt this weight and burden that I've forced myself to carry throughout most of the year and I'm learning what to pick up and what to refuse to carry. It's great. I'm still re-learning a lot of things, and sometimes I get really irritated with my pace, but at the same time. . . I'm moving. And that's what matters. yay, God! :) (that sounds like such an elementary-schooler statement, and I'm not even going to take it back). 

Confidence

You know what? One of the biggest things I think I have been learning throughout this year has been where my confidence lies. I tend to give it away to whoever appears to deserve that kind of "ruling" over me. And unfortunately for my little heart, I gave that ability to either boost or smother my confidence over to someone who didn't deserve that privilege. And it hurt. As much of an understatement as it is, that's the best way I'm going to put it. It hurt. 

I have learned so many things throughout this year, and I'm still learning so many, and I probably won't fully understand about 80% of these things while I'm alive, but that doesn't mean the discovery process isn't worth while. One of the biggies for me has been my confidence. I've always said my confidence is in Christ, but the unstable part of my past that seeks so much of my approval from the people around me begs to differ far too often. And that can be good to seek encouragement from people who can reinforce what He has created and instilled in me, but at the same time, there can be a lot of pain if I place that delicate privilege in the wrong hands. 

I spent a good portion of this year in tears feeling and knowing that there were people who thought the worst of me, who made assumptions about me and had a misconstrued view of who I am or what my intentions have been in life.  I let that judgement have worth for far too long. Only recently have I finally been able to say "my confidence does not come from these people. My confidence must always come from Christ". Because there is always going to be someone who thinks ill of me. I consider myself to be a really outgoing and likable person, but that doesn't mean everyone does. But at the end of the day, the only one who has authority to truly speak into me has to be the Holy One who created me. I can't give that privilege away to just anyone. 

I had a pretty rough day today. I cried a lot. But in retrospect, I wasn't as torn down as I have been in similar situations I had to wade through earlier on in the year. I received a text from someone I love and value so very much that read "remember that you are valuable and beautiful in God's eyes and so many others', like mine. Love you". And that was just what I needed to have my "ah-ha!" moment. He loves me. He has surrounded me with a support circle of others who love me. And that's all I need. Throughout the rough meeting I had today, when I felt like I was once again being wrongly accused and blamed, instead of going into argument mode, inside my head I kept saying: 

You are so loved. You are so loved.   

And the rest didn't matter. I wasn't in control of anything else but my own response. And even though I didn't get the response I fully hoped for, I feel confident in knowing I did the best that I could within my power to make peace. The rest, doesn't matter. There is no one else who has the power to influence my confidence aside from Christ Himself, unless I give them that power. I'm going to be darn picky as to who I give that kind of power to. This I know: I am so loved. That is my confidence. 

Welcome to the Fallout

I feel drained. I feel exhausted. I feel. . . done. Like I could curl up into a ball and just hibernate for a few years. I'm ready to call it quits on life. I'm done. 

I've been trying for so many months to learn how to balance and stay on my feet again, and it's been a rough learning process. And I've had so much incredible support and encouragement and love along the way, and at the same time, I've had the exact opposite force driving me down just as hard. And often times, it's coming from a source that should be lifting me up and helping me figure out how to walk again. 

I'm tired of feeling like instead of being poured into, I'm being dried out. I'm tired of being told that there is a lack of maturity, and at the same time saying that it's understandable because of my age. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm another textbook kid who has to admit where they screwed up and admit that I'm a bad person, apologize for something I don't even believe I did, and move on from that. 

I don't know how to get up again. I keep listening to the song Savior King by Hillsong united, and the line that's my headline, I want it to be true for me. But right now it's just not. 

"and now the weak say I have strength"

I don't really believe that right now. I feel defeated. And very, very weak. 

And I don't like to sound whinny but. . . I have had a really rough day today especially and just feel like I'm ready to pick a completely different direction in life because the one I'm in right now hurts like hell

SexGod

Think it's an awkward book title? Try reading it in a coffee shop realizing the person sitting two tables away from you just can't stop staring at the front of your book. . . .

Aside from the title being something that completely catches you off guard, I am already loving this book. It's by Rob Bell, and I highly recommend it. I've never really been a big fan of christian abstinence books. They all pretty much say the same thing: wait until you're married to have sex because that is the way it's supposed to be. And any teenager who's got hormones feels like a sinner for even thinking of asking why? The subject is kind of taboo. Nobody wants to talk about it. Just. . . don't do it. 

But. . . why? 

The reason I love SexGod is because Rob Bell really addresses the why behind the wait. Or as he frequently writes throughout his book, "this is really about that."  His subtitle is Exploring the endless connection between sexuality and spirituality. Because this is really about that. 

 

Here's a great passage: 

 

There's Something Else Going on Here

There's a passage in the book of Ephesians where it's written, "Those who have been stealing must steal no longer. [Ephesians 4:28]". 

Which is quite straightforward - don't steal. But the passage doesn't end there. It continues: "but must work, doing something useful with their own hands."

But it doesn't end there. It ends with: "that they may have something to share with those in need."

On first read, the instructions seem as basic as it gets. But there is much going on here just below the surface. 

First, the command doesn't stop with the "don't" part. The writer understands that that kind of instruction rarely helps. When we're told not to do something, how often are we truly compelled not to do it, especially if we enjoy it? If it's just me against the lust, the odds are always against me. 

But there's something else going on here. 

Stealing involves large amounts of adrenaline. The rush of planning, pulling it off, not getting caught, getting something for nothing. And then there's the expectation of next time. If we got something this significant for free, could we steal something even more valuable? What if we raised the stakes, hit a store with a better security system, tested ourselves? Stealing involves the senses, the intellect, a person's fear threshold. It even has a powerful social dynamic. Stealing with someone creates a powerful bond between people. When our adrenaline is pumping, that's a physiological phenomenon. It feels good because things are happening with the chemicals in our bodies, with our nerves and brain and bloodstream. If we do that enough, our bodies get used to it. 

We could use the word addicted. A person gets addicted to it. 

if you tell the person who's stealing not to, and you leave it at that, you've taken something away, but you haven't replaced it with anything. That's why the instructions in Ephesians are so brilliant. The urging to stop stealing is followed by the command to have the person do "something useful with their own hands." The word useful is the Greek word agathos, which is also translated "good" and "benevolent". 

Why does the writer mention the hands?

Because you steal with your hands. Stealing is a sensory experience, an adrenaline rush involving the hands. The command is to replace one adrenaline rush with another, a better one, one that's good. But it doesn't stop there. The command ends with the person who was stealing learning to do something good with their hands so that they can take care of the needs of someone else. Stealing is about taking from someone. This passage is about giving to someone who has less because you have more. 

This passage is about something central to what it means to be human: it's about desire. It's about the thief finding something they'll desire more than stealing. 

"You thought taking things for free was a rush? Try giving free food to someone who's starving." 

Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of desire. It's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires. 

What are you channeling your energies into? 

Because they will go somewhere. 

Maybe it's as simple as asking God to show it to you, to give it to you, to make you aware of it. 

What is it you've given your life to? 

Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world. 

What do you want more? 

Moving. . .?

I was just thinking how a good majority of my closest and best friends don't live here anymore. Kristin got married and now lives in Tennessee. And I would say she's the furthest away, but Ivonne lives in Ecuador and I consider her to be one of my best friends. Andrea has lived in Canada all our lives, so that's nothing new, but since we finally got to see each other outside of the summer vacation atmosphere, I'm more aware of how much we really don't see each other. Molly's been at George Fox, Leah's there as well, Tifani's in Colorado, and even though I have a ton of Monmouth and Eugene friends that are just a car drive away, if you don't have gas money, that car drive might as well be another continent. My Salem friends that I'm closest with are usually super busy or just on different schedules, so getting together is hard to do. I don't want this to sound like a pity party entry (although it already does), but I was just thinking about that and realizing I may very well be finding myself completely uprooting once again and vulnerably moving into a brand new area, culture, and lifestyle. 

Ok, so it's not a completely different country this time, but it is Southern California, which is the place I never ever thought I would end up, let alone want to be living there. I'm sure most of you know that I've been thinking about attending Eternity Bible College for some time now. Well, it's spring term now at Chemeketa and we're heading into summer in just over 10 weeks, and EBC starts classes in late August. And I have some BIG decisions to make. I have never before had to actually choose where I wanted to go to school. Even with Chemeketa I began classes because it was the next step that made sense. . . . Salem's community college, until I figure out what's next. Now I'm starting to think through and pray through what's next. And to be honest. . . 

I am terrified. 

 I am so afraid of what will come if I choose to take the huge faith step and move down to Simi Valley, CA to attend EBC. And it's not just a I'm-nervous-I-won't-make-friends kind of a fear; this is something that unfortunately was instilled in me after my last experience where I made a huge prayer-led decision, and it didn't work out. I think 'didn't work out' is putting it nicely; to me, it felt like everything came crashing down in an instant and I was left empty and confused. 

I'm so thankful because I know that this healing process has been taking baby steps which is exactly the way it should be, and I am growing and healing and learning and experiencing and discovering and processing and. . . loving learning what it means when the heart waits. And I am sooo thankful! But I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about EBC that goes "don't you remember what happened last time?" 

Right now I'm listening to Hillsong United's "Savior King". My headline actually comes from this song. I love it so much: 

and now the weak say "I have strength"

By the Spirit of Power that raised Christ from the dead

I can put out an obvious statement and say I feel weak. But I'm setting aside a month to really dive into praying through some choices I need to be making about college, and where I will (theoretically) be spending the next four years of my life. And I have to remember I can only make choices based upon what I have in front of me right now. I can't see far ahead of me, and I'm not expected to. I'm asked to trust. And I can try. I can trust that there is so much more. . . 

I am not a failure. 

That was not a failure. 

Thanks for reading all the way through this, friends. 

Youtube generation

Sometimes I feel like we're becoming better friends with the internet and less with each other. 

I mean, I really love that email and facebook allows me to keep up with my friends that live outside of the states that I can't just call up and talk to (long distance calls to Ecuador are about $1 a minute. . .  ouch), and it's fun to post pictures and stuff and browse through friends' photo albums. But I'm not entirely talking about facebook. It's part of it, but that's not what really is bugging me. 

I've never really spent much time on youtube. If friends send me links to videos they think are funny, I'll watch them. I just have never really understood how to browse videos, and it makes me nervous thinking of searching youtube and having videos come up that I really don't want to watch. 

However, yesterday while studying for finals I looked up some of my favorite youtube videos, and decided I'd follow some of the links on the sidebar to see if any of them were really as funny as they were supposed to be. Lots of hits and misses, really. I really hate to admit it but I think I spent over an hour looking at a bunch of these random videos people all over the world uploaded. One video in particular caught my attention, it's called How to Be English by some kid in the UK. It's really pretty funny. 

The thing that struck me the most, however, was that this video was uploaded by someone who is a youtube video blogger: someone who frequently, every couple of weeks or so, uploads a video where they just talk about random stuff or make a funny spoof video. This specific video blogger had millions of views, hundreds of thousands of subscribers, and comments flowing in every couple of minutes. 

I was surprised at how many people do this; video blogging. On youtube. Talking intimately as if you were having a conversation with your best friend, but it's with a webcam that will be viewed by thousands of strangers who feel like they know you personally. Am I the only person who feels weird about this? I just don't like the idea that my generation is spending more time connecting with an internet personality such as baseballfan108, rather than calling up a friend  and going out to coffee to really connect.

 Our relationships are becoming more and more impersonal and we're ok with that. We like that. It doesn't involve vulnerability. You don't have to really share what's going on in your heart. Really, you can be whatever you want to be and feel accepted. Since when did feeling accepted matter more than truly being loved? 

I don't know if I'm properly writing out what I'm trying to say. I just don't like how impersonal we've become, and it makes me nervous how much this trend could continue with future generations. There's youtube vloggers who are only 12 and 13 years old even! I just wish there was more emphasis on fellowship and getting together with friends for a game night, rather than sitting in front of the computer screen all evening and rating your favorite youtubers newest video.  

Makes me wonder

I went to see Brett Dennen in concert last night at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland. He is by far my favorite secular artist. He's a folk artist, and his lyrics are so centralized around love and diversity and beauty and hope. . . pretty hippie, right? But I was actually thinking, while he was talking in between sets, where such an idea, a message, really stems from. He was speaking the audience how many of us knew that love is the only thing that conquers all, even hate. He asked if people believed that the best gift you could ever give someone is forgiveness. He asked if you believed that the best gift you could give yourself was forgiveness. And while he was saying that, I couldn't help but think that such a message stems from Jesus' very similar words in His ministry. I have no idea what Brett Dennen's spiritual beliefs are, but I wonder, for those who believe so whole-heartedly in a message of love and forgiveness, do they recognize where that Truth really comes from? How much would people's minds change about Jesus if they knew that what they so desperately seek to find within themselves and other people, is exactly what Christ offers us, and so much more? It upsets me to think that religion clouds those truths that are the core of what everyone desperately seeks and desires. People know that's what they need; do they know where they will receive it fully, experience it fully, live it completely? It makes me wonder. . . . and hope. 

Other than that thought, I wanted to share one of his songs that I really enjoy. All of his music, I feel, spreads a great message. This is one of those that I really enjoy: 

When I heard the news, my heart fell on the floor

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore

In these troubled times it's hard enough, as it is

My soul's known a better life than this

I wondered how so many, could be in so much pain,

While others don't seem to feel a thing?

Then I cursed my whiteness and I get so damn depressed

In a world of suffering, why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado

She built a monument of salt behind a garage door

where everyday she prays for all whom are born

and all who's souls will pass on

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick

I can't see how I'm gonna get through it

But then I would rather be stuck up in a tree

Than be tied to it

I know

There is so much more

I don't feel comfortable with the way that my clothes fit

I can't get used to my body's limits

I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues

they cost a lot of money but, they aren't worth a thing

I want to free my feet from the broken glass and concrete

I need to get out of this city

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky

Wondering when I'll go when I die

when I die

[There is So Much More]

listen to it if you want. :)

healing music

Lately (and by lately I mean the past few months) I've felt myself desperately seeking reassurance that I am loved. I crave the reminder of God's truth and the passion He has for me, and it feels like a continuous uphill battle fighting against the lies of the enemy. I guess to describe my heart these past few months, I would use words like "weak, frail, mending, healing. . . ." I'm basically feeling worn out. And many times find myself on the point of giving in and just trying to settle for believing I'm at least tolerated. And then I feel pathetic. And the emotional, mental and spiritual self-destruction goes on. It hurts. And I can't be frustrated with myself, when the enemy really knows what he's doing. I just have to take baby steps in remembering His love. 

Lately I've been getting back into Coldplay much more. They are by far one of my favorite bands. Beautiful music. And one day when my heart was feeling especially heavy, I heard their song Warning Signs: 

[Come on in,

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. 

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is:

I miss you. 

Yeah, the truth is

that I miss you so. 

And I'm tired. . . .

. . .  so I crawl back into your open arms. 

Yes I crawl back into your open arms. ] - Warning Signs

I was listening to it with a friend and had to turn my head, because I had started crying quietly, and of course it's embarrassing to cry listening to a song. But it was sooo what my heart was feeling, and feels often. I miss Him. I miss Truth. I miss constant reminders of Love. It was a start, and a reminder. Abba's arms are so much more than open, and I can RUN into them! Some other songs that stir my soul, are "See You Soon" and "A Message". Here are some of the lyrics from each song: 

[So you lost your trust, 

And you never should have

no, you never should have. . . .

. . . you lost your trust, oh

you lost your trust, I know. 

Don't lose your trust, no. 

Don't lose your trust.]  - See You Soon 

Obviously, this is a very small section of the song, but I just love the repetition of the understanding that sometimes you lose trust, but I have to remember who I'm putting my trust in and why it's worth it in His hands. 

[My song is love 

Love to the lonely song 

And it goes on 

You don't have to be alone.

Your heavy heart

is made of stone

And it's so hard to see clearly

you don't have to be on your own. 

You don't have to be on your own. 

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Gotta get that message home. 

My song is love. 

My song is love I know

And I'm on fire for you, clearly

you don't have to be alone

You don't have to be on your own. 

And I'm not gonna take it back. 

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

And I'm nothing on my own. 

Got to get that message home. 

And I'm not gonna stand and wait

Not gonna leave it til it's much too late

On a platform I'm gonna stand and say

That I'm nothing on my own. 

And I love you please come home! 

My song is love, is love 

And I've got to get that message home.]

So much of this song reminds me of the persistency of God in ransoming our hearts. He does NOT give up, and He does NOT take any of it back. I especially love the chorus line: "And I'm not gonna take it back, and I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that', you're the target that I'm aiming at, gotta get that message home." 

It's nice to know that I just need to look and listen around me to be reminded of God's love, He always meets me right where I'm at and is more than happy to remind me of how much He delights in me [Psalm 41:11]. 

Blessings

My friend Andrea called me yesterday while I was at church and left a message on my facebook telling me she was driving through Oregon on her way back to B.C. from Cali, and was wondering if I had time to hang out and if her and her two roommates could crash at our house for a little while before continuing on the drive home. To say I was excited is a total understatement. Andrea and I have been friends since I was about 9 and she was 10; we met on our boats in Desolation Sound, Brittish Columbia. Her family is from Calgary, Alberta but would also go to Desolation Sound for the summers. We met in the summer of '99 and hung out almost all summer, and before we returned home, my mom suggested we consider becoming pen pals. So we did. We wrote to each other at least once every two weeks for YEARS. It's actually incredible just how long we've kept up being pen pals; we still write to each other!  We've been trying to figure out a time and place to get together since Andi's been at school in Vancouver, B.C. studying youth ministry but hadn't been able to make it work. We hadn't seen each other for almost 5 years. So this was a long overdue reunion. My favorite part about it all is just how much of a surprise it was for me!! 

It was as if we had just seen each other the week before when she got to our house Sunday night. We went through my box of letters that had all of her letters she'd written to me, dating all the way back to 1999, and were cracking up for hours just reading what Andrea wrote as a 10, 11 and 12 year old. We found a picture of us from when we were probably 13 and 14, the last time we saw each other, and commented on how both of us were so much skinnier back then.(I put the picture up here, along with one we decided to recreate before she left). We stayed up late reminding each other of some of the greatest memories we had from our summers hanging out together; there were sooo many great memories!! I just kept thinking what an incredible blessing it was to have this friend in my life, and how great it has been to have such a phenomenal sister to go through the years with, even if not in person together. We went to the Gov Cup monday while her roommates went to do some "American" shopping at stores like Nordstrom and Bath and Body Works, and just talked about anything and everything for hours. We talked about homeless ministries, missions ministries, youth ministries, (lots of ministries, now that I'm writing it out), relationships. . .  so much!! After the rain died down, we went to Riverfront and walked around awhile, then rode the Carousel. We also checked out some of the stores that aren't in Canada before reuniting with her roommates so they could continue the drive home. 

I just think this was the most incredible blessing for me to see Andrea so unexpectedly, especially with how hard of a time I was having missing everyone in Ecuador just days ago. I was thinking while we were going to sleep Sunday night, just how blessed I was to have the friendship that I do with Andrea. She and I are soo alike, it astounds me!! I love her so much, and still can't believe she was just here hours ago after having not seen each other for so many years. 

my missing

I really miss my friends and family in Ecuador right now. Just today has felt like this overwhelming wave of hurt and loss. 

This just really sucks right now. 

I know I've put up these lyrics before, but I need to see them again. 

You should see the stars tonight

How they shimmer, shine so bright

Against the black they look so white

Coming down from such a height 

To reach me now

You reach me now

You should see the moon in flight

Cutting cross a mystic night

Softly dancing in sunshine

Reflections of His light

Reach me now

You reach me now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me?

And make everything

Beautiful again

You should feel the sun in spring

Coming out after a rain

Suddenly all is green

Sunshine on everything

I can feel it now

I feel You now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me? 

and make everything

Beautiful, and you should hear the angels sing

All gathered round their King

More beautiful than you could dream

And then quietly listening

You can hear 'em now

I hear 'em now

And how could such a King

Shine His light on me? 

And make everything 

Beautiful

and I wanna shine

I wanna be a light

I wanna tell you it'll be alright

And I wanna shine

I wanna fly

just to tell you know it'll be alright

it'll be alright

it'll be alright

Cause I've got nothing of my own to give to you

But this Light that shines on me, shines on you

And makes everything

Beautiful

Again. 

It'll be alright

It'll be alright. 

-David Crowder "Stars"

One Year.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.

In C.S. Lewis' a grief observed, he writes through his dealings with the death of his wife Helen,  of whom he only refers to as "H" throughout the book, I'm assuming because even writing the name of his passed wife rips open the wound each time. 

 

It's been one whole year since Jared Nagel died. And today feels like the weirdest day. Yesterday was the actual year mark, but today feels even more off than yesterday did to me. I feel like I'm in a weird rut. . . and I can't talk my way out of it, or explain why I'm feeling the way I am. . . 

I remember my family was watching the movie King of California when I got a call from my friend Jessica. Being as she isn't even in Oregon anymore, I was so excited to see that I was getting a call from her. I went in to my room, and answered excitedly. She wasn't anywhere near as enthusiastic, and I asked what was going on. 

"Jared had an accident. . . " I knew Jared to be a crazy kid, so his having an accident wasn't exactly shocking news. I thought it was just like any of the other times before. Not that I ever got calls about them, though. I asked if he was alright. 

"He's dead, Ali." 

I sat in my room for about 20 minutes just staring at my wall. Not thinking. Just sitting. Staring. I went into the living room, and I looked at Chaz sitting on the couch. I tried to tell him that Jared had died, but before I could even get the sentence out, the tears finally came. I was bawling and couldn't stop. I called my friend Kristin and asked if I could stay the night at her house. I didn't want to be alone, and for some odd reason, I didn't really want to be in my house either. I cried most of the night and couldn't sleep the rest of it. 

Now the strangest thing in the midst of all of this, is that something inside of me always makes me feel guilty for grieving. Guilty. There's something in me that always feels like a phony; I wasn't his best friend, I wasn't as close to him as, say, Chaz or Paige or Lucas or Beth or Jessica. . . they surely have a right to be torn-up about this. I don't. But that doesn't make it go away. If anything, this false-conviction leaves me even more tangled trying to deal with grief and a twisted feeling of being unworthy to be so upset from losing Jared. I still confuse myself. I feel like I'm in that place again, with it being a whole year since Jared has died. I feel the sadness and the emptiness. And I also feel like this is somehow not ok for me to feel this way. That the people who should be feeling this way are his family and his best friends. Not me. Why does the enemy always have to torment me?! 

Next Fall

So, this school has been one I've looked into and thought about off and on for the past couple of years, but it has been weighing heavily on my heart for a couple of weeks now. As in, seriously considering the possibility of attending the school in the Fall of 2009. To save you from the exhausting list of my personal questions and thoughts about actually attending Eternity Bible College, I'll just post the link to their website. Look around a bit. . . read some of what they have to say about the program. . . watch Francis Chan's video about his heart for what the school should be like. . . and I would love to hear your feedback. 

I have my moments where I just think "man, I really, really feel like this school sounds like my place. My niche." but then I have my moments where I go through my list of "what ifs. . ." and I begin to think maybe it's not so much the place for me. But the majority of the time, I look at it and go "I feel like I would love it here." 

Tell me some of your thoughts! :) 

Eternity Bible College in Simi Valley, CA

Desire

I finally got my birthday package today. As most of you know, I came home from Macas a week before my birthday, and unfortunately friends and family had already sent down birthday packages for me, so they arrived after I was already back in the states. Months later, I finally got my package! There were socks (mom. . .?), the I Heart Revolution CD (YESSSS!!!!), Paint sets, a crap load of chocolate (I'm not even kidding. . . three ghirardelli raspberry chocolate bars, a bag of Indiana Jones M&Ms, and two huge bags of ghirardelli squares. . . if anybody wants some, please, give me a call), a journal, a book on prayer life, and many many cards. Birthday cards that said how much I was loved, missed, and how proud people were of me. As much as these were meant to be read while I was in Ecuador and reminded of the joy friends and family take in sharing the journey with me, reading them now was. . . depressing, really. I feel bad about my meoldramatic attitude lately (I'm sooo sorry, I'm sure this is getting to the point of annoying by now. It's just not that easy, friends.) but I couldn't help but think, just a few months ago I was loving on people and building relationships and my prayer life and heart was in such a different place. Now. . . well, I feel really apathetic and I'm in classes at school just for the sake of giving myself something to do, and part of me can't help but form the words "failure" and "inferior" in my mind. Constantly. It hurts. 

Then I found this poem that Tifani sent me. For those of you who have never read George MacDonald's work, start with his "Diary of an Old Soul". My word, he has a gift! This poem is a favorite of mine, and has especially penetrating words for my heart right now: 

When I can no more stir my soul to move, 

And life is but the ashes of a fire; 

When I can but remember that my heart

Once used to live and love, long and aspire - 

Oh, be Thou then the first, the one Thou art, 

Be Thou the calling, before all answering love, 

And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire. 

How real this poem feels to me now is . . . indescribable. LORD, I crave desire more than anything right now. Desire to begin the long, draining process of peace and healing and rest. I am sooo uncomfortable with waiting and I know that right now is where God wants me to be, but I can't help but feel incompetent and pathetic. I hear those lies and I look at my surroundings and go "how can that not be true?" I crave desire to be awaken in my heart and in my spirit once again. I need Truth and I can't really "stir my soul to move" by my own power. LORD knows I've tried. I need Him more than ever.