Blessings

My friend Andrea called me yesterday while I was at church and left a message on my facebook telling me she was driving through Oregon on her way back to B.C. from Cali, and was wondering if I had time to hang out and if her and her two roommates could crash at our house for a little while before continuing on the drive home. To say I was excited is a total understatement. Andrea and I have been friends since I was about 9 and she was 10; we met on our boats in Desolation Sound, Brittish Columbia. Her family is from Calgary, Alberta but would also go to Desolation Sound for the summers. We met in the summer of '99 and hung out almost all summer, and before we returned home, my mom suggested we consider becoming pen pals. So we did. We wrote to each other at least once every two weeks for YEARS. It's actually incredible just how long we've kept up being pen pals; we still write to each other!  We've been trying to figure out a time and place to get together since Andi's been at school in Vancouver, B.C. studying youth ministry but hadn't been able to make it work. We hadn't seen each other for almost 5 years. So this was a long overdue reunion. My favorite part about it all is just how much of a surprise it was for me!! 

It was as if we had just seen each other the week before when she got to our house Sunday night. We went through my box of letters that had all of her letters she'd written to me, dating all the way back to 1999, and were cracking up for hours just reading what Andrea wrote as a 10, 11 and 12 year old. We found a picture of us from when we were probably 13 and 14, the last time we saw each other, and commented on how both of us were so much skinnier back then.(I put the picture up here, along with one we decided to recreate before she left). We stayed up late reminding each other of some of the greatest memories we had from our summers hanging out together; there were sooo many great memories!! I just kept thinking what an incredible blessing it was to have this friend in my life, and how great it has been to have such a phenomenal sister to go through the years with, even if not in person together. We went to the Gov Cup monday while her roommates went to do some "American" shopping at stores like Nordstrom and Bath and Body Works, and just talked about anything and everything for hours. We talked about homeless ministries, missions ministries, youth ministries, (lots of ministries, now that I'm writing it out), relationships. . .  so much!! After the rain died down, we went to Riverfront and walked around awhile, then rode the Carousel. We also checked out some of the stores that aren't in Canada before reuniting with her roommates so they could continue the drive home. 

I just think this was the most incredible blessing for me to see Andrea so unexpectedly, especially with how hard of a time I was having missing everyone in Ecuador just days ago. I was thinking while we were going to sleep Sunday night, just how blessed I was to have the friendship that I do with Andrea. She and I are soo alike, it astounds me!! I love her so much, and still can't believe she was just here hours ago after having not seen each other for so many years. 

my missing

I really miss my friends and family in Ecuador right now. Just today has felt like this overwhelming wave of hurt and loss. 

This just really sucks right now. 

I know I've put up these lyrics before, but I need to see them again. 

You should see the stars tonight

How they shimmer, shine so bright

Against the black they look so white

Coming down from such a height 

To reach me now

You reach me now

You should see the moon in flight

Cutting cross a mystic night

Softly dancing in sunshine

Reflections of His light

Reach me now

You reach me now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me?

And make everything

Beautiful again

You should feel the sun in spring

Coming out after a rain

Suddenly all is green

Sunshine on everything

I can feel it now

I feel You now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me? 

and make everything

Beautiful, and you should hear the angels sing

All gathered round their King

More beautiful than you could dream

And then quietly listening

You can hear 'em now

I hear 'em now

And how could such a King

Shine His light on me? 

And make everything 

Beautiful

and I wanna shine

I wanna be a light

I wanna tell you it'll be alright

And I wanna shine

I wanna fly

just to tell you know it'll be alright

it'll be alright

it'll be alright

Cause I've got nothing of my own to give to you

But this Light that shines on me, shines on you

And makes everything

Beautiful

Again. 

It'll be alright

It'll be alright. 

-David Crowder "Stars"

One Year.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.

In C.S. Lewis' a grief observed, he writes through his dealings with the death of his wife Helen,  of whom he only refers to as "H" throughout the book, I'm assuming because even writing the name of his passed wife rips open the wound each time. 

 

It's been one whole year since Jared Nagel died. And today feels like the weirdest day. Yesterday was the actual year mark, but today feels even more off than yesterday did to me. I feel like I'm in a weird rut. . . and I can't talk my way out of it, or explain why I'm feeling the way I am. . . 

I remember my family was watching the movie King of California when I got a call from my friend Jessica. Being as she isn't even in Oregon anymore, I was so excited to see that I was getting a call from her. I went in to my room, and answered excitedly. She wasn't anywhere near as enthusiastic, and I asked what was going on. 

"Jared had an accident. . . " I knew Jared to be a crazy kid, so his having an accident wasn't exactly shocking news. I thought it was just like any of the other times before. Not that I ever got calls about them, though. I asked if he was alright. 

"He's dead, Ali." 

I sat in my room for about 20 minutes just staring at my wall. Not thinking. Just sitting. Staring. I went into the living room, and I looked at Chaz sitting on the couch. I tried to tell him that Jared had died, but before I could even get the sentence out, the tears finally came. I was bawling and couldn't stop. I called my friend Kristin and asked if I could stay the night at her house. I didn't want to be alone, and for some odd reason, I didn't really want to be in my house either. I cried most of the night and couldn't sleep the rest of it. 

Now the strangest thing in the midst of all of this, is that something inside of me always makes me feel guilty for grieving. Guilty. There's something in me that always feels like a phony; I wasn't his best friend, I wasn't as close to him as, say, Chaz or Paige or Lucas or Beth or Jessica. . . they surely have a right to be torn-up about this. I don't. But that doesn't make it go away. If anything, this false-conviction leaves me even more tangled trying to deal with grief and a twisted feeling of being unworthy to be so upset from losing Jared. I still confuse myself. I feel like I'm in that place again, with it being a whole year since Jared has died. I feel the sadness and the emptiness. And I also feel like this is somehow not ok for me to feel this way. That the people who should be feeling this way are his family and his best friends. Not me. Why does the enemy always have to torment me?!