Next Fall

So, this school has been one I've looked into and thought about off and on for the past couple of years, but it has been weighing heavily on my heart for a couple of weeks now. As in, seriously considering the possibility of attending the school in the Fall of 2009. To save you from the exhausting list of my personal questions and thoughts about actually attending Eternity Bible College, I'll just post the link to their website. Look around a bit. . . read some of what they have to say about the program. . . watch Francis Chan's video about his heart for what the school should be like. . . and I would love to hear your feedback. 

I have my moments where I just think "man, I really, really feel like this school sounds like my place. My niche." but then I have my moments where I go through my list of "what ifs. . ." and I begin to think maybe it's not so much the place for me. But the majority of the time, I look at it and go "I feel like I would love it here." 

Tell me some of your thoughts! :) 

Eternity Bible College in Simi Valley, CA

Desire

I finally got my birthday package today. As most of you know, I came home from Macas a week before my birthday, and unfortunately friends and family had already sent down birthday packages for me, so they arrived after I was already back in the states. Months later, I finally got my package! There were socks (mom. . .?), the I Heart Revolution CD (YESSSS!!!!), Paint sets, a crap load of chocolate (I'm not even kidding. . . three ghirardelli raspberry chocolate bars, a bag of Indiana Jones M&Ms, and two huge bags of ghirardelli squares. . . if anybody wants some, please, give me a call), a journal, a book on prayer life, and many many cards. Birthday cards that said how much I was loved, missed, and how proud people were of me. As much as these were meant to be read while I was in Ecuador and reminded of the joy friends and family take in sharing the journey with me, reading them now was. . . depressing, really. I feel bad about my meoldramatic attitude lately (I'm sooo sorry, I'm sure this is getting to the point of annoying by now. It's just not that easy, friends.) but I couldn't help but think, just a few months ago I was loving on people and building relationships and my prayer life and heart was in such a different place. Now. . . well, I feel really apathetic and I'm in classes at school just for the sake of giving myself something to do, and part of me can't help but form the words "failure" and "inferior" in my mind. Constantly. It hurts. 

Then I found this poem that Tifani sent me. For those of you who have never read George MacDonald's work, start with his "Diary of an Old Soul". My word, he has a gift! This poem is a favorite of mine, and has especially penetrating words for my heart right now: 

When I can no more stir my soul to move, 

And life is but the ashes of a fire; 

When I can but remember that my heart

Once used to live and love, long and aspire - 

Oh, be Thou then the first, the one Thou art, 

Be Thou the calling, before all answering love, 

And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire. 

How real this poem feels to me now is . . . indescribable. LORD, I crave desire more than anything right now. Desire to begin the long, draining process of peace and healing and rest. I am sooo uncomfortable with waiting and I know that right now is where God wants me to be, but I can't help but feel incompetent and pathetic. I hear those lies and I look at my surroundings and go "how can that not be true?" I crave desire to be awaken in my heart and in my spirit once again. I need Truth and I can't really "stir my soul to move" by my own power. LORD knows I've tried. I need Him more than ever.