Moving. . .?

I was just thinking how a good majority of my closest and best friends don't live here anymore. Kristin got married and now lives in Tennessee. And I would say she's the furthest away, but Ivonne lives in Ecuador and I consider her to be one of my best friends. Andrea has lived in Canada all our lives, so that's nothing new, but since we finally got to see each other outside of the summer vacation atmosphere, I'm more aware of how much we really don't see each other. Molly's been at George Fox, Leah's there as well, Tifani's in Colorado, and even though I have a ton of Monmouth and Eugene friends that are just a car drive away, if you don't have gas money, that car drive might as well be another continent. My Salem friends that I'm closest with are usually super busy or just on different schedules, so getting together is hard to do. I don't want this to sound like a pity party entry (although it already does), but I was just thinking about that and realizing I may very well be finding myself completely uprooting once again and vulnerably moving into a brand new area, culture, and lifestyle. 

Ok, so it's not a completely different country this time, but it is Southern California, which is the place I never ever thought I would end up, let alone want to be living there. I'm sure most of you know that I've been thinking about attending Eternity Bible College for some time now. Well, it's spring term now at Chemeketa and we're heading into summer in just over 10 weeks, and EBC starts classes in late August. And I have some BIG decisions to make. I have never before had to actually choose where I wanted to go to school. Even with Chemeketa I began classes because it was the next step that made sense. . . . Salem's community college, until I figure out what's next. Now I'm starting to think through and pray through what's next. And to be honest. . . 

I am terrified. 

 I am so afraid of what will come if I choose to take the huge faith step and move down to Simi Valley, CA to attend EBC. And it's not just a I'm-nervous-I-won't-make-friends kind of a fear; this is something that unfortunately was instilled in me after my last experience where I made a huge prayer-led decision, and it didn't work out. I think 'didn't work out' is putting it nicely; to me, it felt like everything came crashing down in an instant and I was left empty and confused. 

I'm so thankful because I know that this healing process has been taking baby steps which is exactly the way it should be, and I am growing and healing and learning and experiencing and discovering and processing and. . . loving learning what it means when the heart waits. And I am sooo thankful! But I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about EBC that goes "don't you remember what happened last time?" 

Right now I'm listening to Hillsong United's "Savior King". My headline actually comes from this song. I love it so much: 

and now the weak say "I have strength"

By the Spirit of Power that raised Christ from the dead

I can put out an obvious statement and say I feel weak. But I'm setting aside a month to really dive into praying through some choices I need to be making about college, and where I will (theoretically) be spending the next four years of my life. And I have to remember I can only make choices based upon what I have in front of me right now. I can't see far ahead of me, and I'm not expected to. I'm asked to trust. And I can try. I can trust that there is so much more. . . 

I am not a failure. 

That was not a failure. 

Thanks for reading all the way through this, friends. 

Youtube generation

Sometimes I feel like we're becoming better friends with the internet and less with each other. 

I mean, I really love that email and facebook allows me to keep up with my friends that live outside of the states that I can't just call up and talk to (long distance calls to Ecuador are about $1 a minute. . .  ouch), and it's fun to post pictures and stuff and browse through friends' photo albums. But I'm not entirely talking about facebook. It's part of it, but that's not what really is bugging me. 

I've never really spent much time on youtube. If friends send me links to videos they think are funny, I'll watch them. I just have never really understood how to browse videos, and it makes me nervous thinking of searching youtube and having videos come up that I really don't want to watch. 

However, yesterday while studying for finals I looked up some of my favorite youtube videos, and decided I'd follow some of the links on the sidebar to see if any of them were really as funny as they were supposed to be. Lots of hits and misses, really. I really hate to admit it but I think I spent over an hour looking at a bunch of these random videos people all over the world uploaded. One video in particular caught my attention, it's called How to Be English by some kid in the UK. It's really pretty funny. 

The thing that struck me the most, however, was that this video was uploaded by someone who is a youtube video blogger: someone who frequently, every couple of weeks or so, uploads a video where they just talk about random stuff or make a funny spoof video. This specific video blogger had millions of views, hundreds of thousands of subscribers, and comments flowing in every couple of minutes. 

I was surprised at how many people do this; video blogging. On youtube. Talking intimately as if you were having a conversation with your best friend, but it's with a webcam that will be viewed by thousands of strangers who feel like they know you personally. Am I the only person who feels weird about this? I just don't like the idea that my generation is spending more time connecting with an internet personality such as baseballfan108, rather than calling up a friend  and going out to coffee to really connect.

 Our relationships are becoming more and more impersonal and we're ok with that. We like that. It doesn't involve vulnerability. You don't have to really share what's going on in your heart. Really, you can be whatever you want to be and feel accepted. Since when did feeling accepted matter more than truly being loved? 

I don't know if I'm properly writing out what I'm trying to say. I just don't like how impersonal we've become, and it makes me nervous how much this trend could continue with future generations. There's youtube vloggers who are only 12 and 13 years old even! I just wish there was more emphasis on fellowship and getting together with friends for a game night, rather than sitting in front of the computer screen all evening and rating your favorite youtubers newest video.  

Makes me wonder

I went to see Brett Dennen in concert last night at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland. He is by far my favorite secular artist. He's a folk artist, and his lyrics are so centralized around love and diversity and beauty and hope. . . pretty hippie, right? But I was actually thinking, while he was talking in between sets, where such an idea, a message, really stems from. He was speaking the audience how many of us knew that love is the only thing that conquers all, even hate. He asked if people believed that the best gift you could ever give someone is forgiveness. He asked if you believed that the best gift you could give yourself was forgiveness. And while he was saying that, I couldn't help but think that such a message stems from Jesus' very similar words in His ministry. I have no idea what Brett Dennen's spiritual beliefs are, but I wonder, for those who believe so whole-heartedly in a message of love and forgiveness, do they recognize where that Truth really comes from? How much would people's minds change about Jesus if they knew that what they so desperately seek to find within themselves and other people, is exactly what Christ offers us, and so much more? It upsets me to think that religion clouds those truths that are the core of what everyone desperately seeks and desires. People know that's what they need; do they know where they will receive it fully, experience it fully, live it completely? It makes me wonder. . . . and hope. 

Other than that thought, I wanted to share one of his songs that I really enjoy. All of his music, I feel, spreads a great message. This is one of those that I really enjoy: 

When I heard the news, my heart fell on the floor

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore

In these troubled times it's hard enough, as it is

My soul's known a better life than this

I wondered how so many, could be in so much pain,

While others don't seem to feel a thing?

Then I cursed my whiteness and I get so damn depressed

In a world of suffering, why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado

She built a monument of salt behind a garage door

where everyday she prays for all whom are born

and all who's souls will pass on

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick

I can't see how I'm gonna get through it

But then I would rather be stuck up in a tree

Than be tied to it

I know

There is so much more

I don't feel comfortable with the way that my clothes fit

I can't get used to my body's limits

I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues

they cost a lot of money but, they aren't worth a thing

I want to free my feet from the broken glass and concrete

I need to get out of this city

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky

Wondering when I'll go when I die

when I die

[There is So Much More]

listen to it if you want. :)

healing music

Lately (and by lately I mean the past few months) I've felt myself desperately seeking reassurance that I am loved. I crave the reminder of God's truth and the passion He has for me, and it feels like a continuous uphill battle fighting against the lies of the enemy. I guess to describe my heart these past few months, I would use words like "weak, frail, mending, healing. . . ." I'm basically feeling worn out. And many times find myself on the point of giving in and just trying to settle for believing I'm at least tolerated. And then I feel pathetic. And the emotional, mental and spiritual self-destruction goes on. It hurts. And I can't be frustrated with myself, when the enemy really knows what he's doing. I just have to take baby steps in remembering His love. 

Lately I've been getting back into Coldplay much more. They are by far one of my favorite bands. Beautiful music. And one day when my heart was feeling especially heavy, I heard their song Warning Signs: 

[Come on in,

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. 

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is:

I miss you. 

Yeah, the truth is

that I miss you so. 

And I'm tired. . . .

. . .  so I crawl back into your open arms. 

Yes I crawl back into your open arms. ] - Warning Signs

I was listening to it with a friend and had to turn my head, because I had started crying quietly, and of course it's embarrassing to cry listening to a song. But it was sooo what my heart was feeling, and feels often. I miss Him. I miss Truth. I miss constant reminders of Love. It was a start, and a reminder. Abba's arms are so much more than open, and I can RUN into them! Some other songs that stir my soul, are "See You Soon" and "A Message". Here are some of the lyrics from each song: 

[So you lost your trust, 

And you never should have

no, you never should have. . . .

. . . you lost your trust, oh

you lost your trust, I know. 

Don't lose your trust, no. 

Don't lose your trust.]  - See You Soon 

Obviously, this is a very small section of the song, but I just love the repetition of the understanding that sometimes you lose trust, but I have to remember who I'm putting my trust in and why it's worth it in His hands. 

[My song is love 

Love to the lonely song 

And it goes on 

You don't have to be alone.

Your heavy heart

is made of stone

And it's so hard to see clearly

you don't have to be on your own. 

You don't have to be on your own. 

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Gotta get that message home. 

My song is love. 

My song is love I know

And I'm on fire for you, clearly

you don't have to be alone

You don't have to be on your own. 

And I'm not gonna take it back. 

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

And I'm nothing on my own. 

Got to get that message home. 

And I'm not gonna stand and wait

Not gonna leave it til it's much too late

On a platform I'm gonna stand and say

That I'm nothing on my own. 

And I love you please come home! 

My song is love, is love 

And I've got to get that message home.]

So much of this song reminds me of the persistency of God in ransoming our hearts. He does NOT give up, and He does NOT take any of it back. I especially love the chorus line: "And I'm not gonna take it back, and I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that', you're the target that I'm aiming at, gotta get that message home." 

It's nice to know that I just need to look and listen around me to be reminded of God's love, He always meets me right where I'm at and is more than happy to remind me of how much He delights in me [Psalm 41:11].