Welcome to the Fallout

I feel drained. I feel exhausted. I feel. . . done. Like I could curl up into a ball and just hibernate for a few years. I'm ready to call it quits on life. I'm done. 

I've been trying for so many months to learn how to balance and stay on my feet again, and it's been a rough learning process. And I've had so much incredible support and encouragement and love along the way, and at the same time, I've had the exact opposite force driving me down just as hard. And often times, it's coming from a source that should be lifting me up and helping me figure out how to walk again. 

I'm tired of feeling like instead of being poured into, I'm being dried out. I'm tired of being told that there is a lack of maturity, and at the same time saying that it's understandable because of my age. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm another textbook kid who has to admit where they screwed up and admit that I'm a bad person, apologize for something I don't even believe I did, and move on from that. 

I don't know how to get up again. I keep listening to the song Savior King by Hillsong united, and the line that's my headline, I want it to be true for me. But right now it's just not. 

"and now the weak say I have strength"

I don't really believe that right now. I feel defeated. And very, very weak. 

And I don't like to sound whinny but. . . I have had a really rough day today especially and just feel like I'm ready to pick a completely different direction in life because the one I'm in right now hurts like hell