Confidence

You know what? One of the biggest things I think I have been learning throughout this year has been where my confidence lies. I tend to give it away to whoever appears to deserve that kind of "ruling" over me. And unfortunately for my little heart, I gave that ability to either boost or smother my confidence over to someone who didn't deserve that privilege. And it hurt. As much of an understatement as it is, that's the best way I'm going to put it. It hurt. 

I have learned so many things throughout this year, and I'm still learning so many, and I probably won't fully understand about 80% of these things while I'm alive, but that doesn't mean the discovery process isn't worth while. One of the biggies for me has been my confidence. I've always said my confidence is in Christ, but the unstable part of my past that seeks so much of my approval from the people around me begs to differ far too often. And that can be good to seek encouragement from people who can reinforce what He has created and instilled in me, but at the same time, there can be a lot of pain if I place that delicate privilege in the wrong hands. 

I spent a good portion of this year in tears feeling and knowing that there were people who thought the worst of me, who made assumptions about me and had a misconstrued view of who I am or what my intentions have been in life.  I let that judgement have worth for far too long. Only recently have I finally been able to say "my confidence does not come from these people. My confidence must always come from Christ". Because there is always going to be someone who thinks ill of me. I consider myself to be a really outgoing and likable person, but that doesn't mean everyone does. But at the end of the day, the only one who has authority to truly speak into me has to be the Holy One who created me. I can't give that privilege away to just anyone. 

I had a pretty rough day today. I cried a lot. But in retrospect, I wasn't as torn down as I have been in similar situations I had to wade through earlier on in the year. I received a text from someone I love and value so very much that read "remember that you are valuable and beautiful in God's eyes and so many others', like mine. Love you". And that was just what I needed to have my "ah-ha!" moment. He loves me. He has surrounded me with a support circle of others who love me. And that's all I need. Throughout the rough meeting I had today, when I felt like I was once again being wrongly accused and blamed, instead of going into argument mode, inside my head I kept saying: 

You are so loved. You are so loved.   

And the rest didn't matter. I wasn't in control of anything else but my own response. And even though I didn't get the response I fully hoped for, I feel confident in knowing I did the best that I could within my power to make peace. The rest, doesn't matter. There is no one else who has the power to influence my confidence aside from Christ Himself, unless I give them that power. I'm going to be darn picky as to who I give that kind of power to. This I know: I am so loved. That is my confidence.