I finally got my birthday package today. As most of you know, I came home from Macas a week before my birthday, and unfortunately friends and family had already sent down birthday packages for me, so they arrived after I was already back in the states. Months later, I finally got my package! There were socks (mom. . .?), the I Heart Revolution CD (YESSSS!!!!), Paint sets, a crap load of chocolate (I'm not even kidding. . . three ghirardelli raspberry chocolate bars, a bag of Indiana Jones M&Ms, and two huge bags of ghirardelli squares. . . if anybody wants some, please, give me a call), a journal, a book on prayer life, and many many cards. Birthday cards that said how much I was loved, missed, and how proud people were of me. As much as these were meant to be read while I was in Ecuador and reminded of the joy friends and family take in sharing the journey with me, reading them now was. . . depressing, really. I feel bad about my meoldramatic attitude lately (I'm sooo sorry, I'm sure this is getting to the point of annoying by now. It's just not that easy, friends.) but I couldn't help but think, just a few months ago I was loving on people and building relationships and my prayer life and heart was in such a different place. Now. . . well, I feel really apathetic and I'm in classes at school just for the sake of giving myself something to do, and part of me can't help but form the words "failure" and "inferior" in my mind. Constantly. It hurts.
Then I found this poem that Tifani sent me. For those of you who have never read George MacDonald's work, start with his "Diary of an Old Soul". My word, he has a gift! This poem is a favorite of mine, and has especially penetrating words for my heart right now:
When I can no more stir my soul to move,
And life is but the ashes of a fire;
When I can but remember that my heart
Once used to live and love, long and aspire -
Oh, be Thou then the first, the one Thou art,
Be Thou the calling, before all answering love,
And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire.
How real this poem feels to me now is . . . indescribable. LORD, I crave desire more than anything right now. Desire to begin the long, draining process of peace and healing and rest. I am sooo uncomfortable with waiting and I know that right now is where God wants me to be, but I can't help but feel incompetent and pathetic. I hear those lies and I look at my surroundings and go "how can that not be true?" I crave desire to be awaken in my heart and in my spirit once again. I need Truth and I can't really "stir my soul to move" by my own power. LORD knows I've tried. I need Him more than ever.
4 comments:
That's sweet. Sometimes it's just asking for the desire to be passionate for his work and having the longing to be in that place. Remember that He's the only one to light your fire, even though it's easy to get tired of waiting and go out to get excited and filled up by other stuff, even when we know nothing beyond our Father can really satisfy us.
You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:11
I really like that verse, Jacobson. This is one of the reasons why we're friends.
Love how God knows exactly what we will need and when! though i would have rather you had the gift on your birthday im so glad the poem speaks to your heart right where you are now! love you and pray for your heart Ali! proud of your for being real... God hears your cries and He is longing to heal you in HIS timing (one that will transform you into an even more beautiful young lady!)
I love you so much Tifani. Your words are always energizing and rejuvenating for me. :) I'm excited to bust out the prayer book you gave me! It'll be a nice break between my Arabian Nights book for my Lit class, and it'll be a good entry way to get back into reading the Word for me. :)
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