When the Heart Waits

"That's the sacred intent of life, of God - to move us continuously toward growth, toward recovering all that is lost and orphaned within us, and restoring the divine image imprinted on our soul. And rarely do significant shifts come without a sense of our being lost in dark woods. . ."

- [Sue Monk Kidd, When The Heart Waits]

The way I tend to describe how I'm feeling, is comparing it to being in the middle of a fog. When there's fog, you can't see very far in front of you, and it makes you feel anxious and sometimes a little panicky. And you know that eventually the fog will lift, but for the time being, your stuck in a fog and it's disorienting and confusing. And being stuck in a fog, well, it sucks. And it's not as simple as waving your hands and it all dissolves away. I wish it was. 

"[my husband] wanted me to 'snap out of it'. I did too, of course. I had ordered myself to do just that numerous times. But it was sort of like looking at an encroaching wave and telling it to recede. Demanding didn't make it happen." 

When I read that last paragraph in Kidd's book, I felt like I was reading something that could have come out of my own journal. I have tried so many times to just "snap out of it." I've had people tell me to just move on. I've told myself to just move on. I've told myself to let go. Sooo many times. But it has yet to really make anything happen. I feel like there are a lot of people around me who have expected me to move on by now. And are disappointed that I haven't. And I really don't know what to tell them. It's not that easy. Healing and resting and waiting on God. . . isn't the process I thought it would be. And that's ok. 

Yesterday I called my friend Isaac from Macas. He's the one who runs the orphanage. He told me he's returning to Riobamba in January. And I talked with him some about my coming home, and what that's been like. I didn't have a chance to even say goodbye to him or the kids, along with many other friends, so we haven't talked for some months. He had many encouraging and affirming things to say, including the importance of laying down my anxieties and thoughts at the foot of the Throne. He says returning to Riobamba isn't exactly something he would like to do; it's hard to pick up and move all the kids and to leave Macas, what with all the gossip surrounding why he's leaving, according to everyone else. But in reality, he needs to surrender it all to the LORD, because God has called him back to Riobamba. I don't know if I did justice to just how encouraging this conversation was to me, but it meant a lot. Isaac was someone I got to know very well in Macas, and was one of maybe four people I could talk with in english. I loved getting to visit with him and the kids at the orphanage, and he always reminded me so much of my brothers. I think they would be great friends if they met. I know he has become a very great friend for me. 

I miss my ñaña

I really miss Ivonne lately. I always miss all of my friends and the people that I love so much from Ecuador. It's hard being away from all of them. But lately, it's been especially weighing on my heart how much I really love my sister and how much I miss her. 

I called Ivonne tonight and this was what the first few minutes of our conversation were like:

me: "hooooola ñaña!!" 

Ivonne: "Ali, where am I?"

me: "uh. . . . what?"

Ivonne: "guess where I am!"

Me: ". . . somewhere in Macas. . . "

Ivonne: "[laughing] But what can you hear"

me: [pause] Oh!! You're at the river!!"

Ivonne: [laughing again] yes!! " 

Me: "Are you going swimming at 11 o clock at night?! Are you crazy?! I can't leave you alone for five minutes. . ."

Ivonne: "I know, I know. But don't worry, I'm not swimming. just on a walk with Fernando."

me: "ooooo, FerNANdo!"

Ivonne: "oh no, there's a huge truck going over the bridge and it's shaking! I think it's going to break!!"

Me: "WHAT?!"

Ivonne: "[laughing] just kidding!! Nothing's happening."

The rest of the phone call was pretty much the same: lot's of joking around and laughing sooo hard. And that was what things were like when we were together. We always could make each other laugh and smile, even when we were tired or unhappy or in tears. Well, during the moment of tears we'd hug and pray and then whoever wasn't crying would say something witty to make the other one laugh. :) 

I think it's so great how Ivonne and I became instant friends. The very first night I was in Ecuador, when we were in Quito, we talked most of the night in our hotel room. Skipped the awkward and went straight to the we're-practically-gonna-be-sisters!! feeling.  In the next couple of days, we went to see Batman together and went on my first ever ice skating excursion, went walking around Quito, talked forever and laughed until my stomach was hurting and Ivonne's eyes were watering. I asked her what some Quichua words were that I should learn, and she told me that "ñaña" means sister, and from that day on we always call each other ñaña. 

I just miss her so much. I miss getting to pray together. I miss our mornings together reading in the Word and talking about what we thought. I miss her hugs and I miss her facial expressions. 

I miss my ñaña. Phone calls can only do so much. 

sleep. . .?

I can't sleep lately. I don't really know why. But every night when I try to go to bed, I end up tossing and turning then trying to read a book and still am not able to fall asleep. I keep looking at the clock and getting frustrated at what time it is and the fact that everyone else in the house has been sleeping for hours, and I'm still awake. Ugh. 

I don't want to take sleeping pills because I'm afraid of dependency, but I wonder if I tried for a week and see if things got any better. . .? 

I'm tired of not getting to go to sleep. That's such an oxymoron. 

Love is here

Come to the water, you who thirst

and you'll thirst no more

Come to the Father, you who work

and you'll work no more

and all you who labor in vain

and to the broken and shamed

Love is here

love is now

love is pouring from His hands, from His brow

love is near

it satisfies

Streams of mercy flowing from His side

Cause love is here

Come to the treasure, you who search

and you'll search no more

Come to the Lover, you who want

and you'll want no more

And to the bruised and fallen

captives bound and broken hearted

He is the LORD

He is the LORD

By His stripes He's paid our ransom

From His wounds we drink salvation

He is the LORD 

He is the LORD

Love is here. 

When I got to visit Tifani in Colorado, she gave me the Tenth Avenue North CD, and this is the first song on the CD. I've listened to it constantly since then. And I'm continuing to be reminded just as whoever the guys that wrote this song were, that my God is here. His love is here. Not it's coming, or hang in there for just another sec, you've got to wait it out a little longer. His love remains. 

I am being held and I am being healed. I can feel it and see it all around me. That's not to say that it doesn't still hurt sometimes. But I can't let my desire for instant gratification affect my trust in the LORD. He is the Healer, and he has promised me this. So I put my trust in that, and I have to remember to hold onto that Truth.

"The LORD your God is with you, He is MIGHTY to save! He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." [Zephaniah 3:16-17]

And Josh, I think your words echo what so many others have been encouraging me and strengthening me with. But since you put it in writing, I hope it's ok if I put it here. It gives me so much strength. :) 

"Ali, you've got to read some missionary bios, it will give you some great perspective. . . it's what I often do. The road you're on, most never make it. Those who do, have been broken and rebuilt to withstand the innumerable bumps and challenges along the way. I believe God's in the process now of making you into someone He can use in big ways around the world. We're not born that way and it doesn't only happen when we're 0-18. God is making someone He can use and He often uses many of the ingredients that are currently present in your life. If something like this knocks you off the path, you weren't going to make it very far anyways. If it doesn't. . . THEN. . . you're much closer to experiencing God's best for you than you were 2 short months ago, and you just might have what it takes. We're still figuring out if I have what it takes. . . this isn't coming from one who has it figured out. . . no. . . one who is figurING it out. You rock, Ali. Don't give up." 

Thanks. I can't thank all of you enough, who have loved on me, encouraged me, urged me forward, and challenged me throughout my time here. Thanks for being used by Him to be a blessing to me. I love you all. :) 

why

Lately I just want to ask God why. I don't just want to ask, I want Him to really answer. Really. Because it feels pretty unfulfilling right now to hear someone say if I just have a desire to serve, He will send me. I had that desire, I have had that desire, and I'm home right now. Why did I even go just to be hurt in coming back? It's not even like I'm sad in coming home at the end of the year. . . I'm just wounded and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what happens next, and I just feel like giving up. 

Why? 

Lost. . .

I just bought the book "The Shack" today. I read about two chapters of it a few days ago when I was visiting my friend Leah, and today while I was at the airport and was sitting staring at the Powell's across the way, thought I might as well go on over and see if they have it in stock and if it's at a reasonable price. I kept thinking of the book since I read it. The fact that the main character is going through what he continues to describe as "the great sadness" sounds fairly close to what kinds of emotions I am struggling through right about now. So I found it at the Powell's in the airport, and it was reasonably priced and I purchased it. And I read it, the whole flight. There were a few parts that brought tears to my eyes, but the part that really struck me was here:

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. " I feel so lost."

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

A few short sentences that embody my thoughts and hurts, and a message that only Jesus truly can share: I'm with you and I'm not lost, therefore neither are you. 

I may feel lost. . . but Jesus isn't lost. 

"This I know: God delights in you!"

"This I know: God delights in you! The enemy will not shout in triumph over you!" - Psalm 41:11

I feel like the past week has been the craziest of my entire life. It has been a tidal wave of different emotions. I have cried more and harder this past week than I think I may have cried in my entire life. And now that I'm home and sitting in my bedroom, it feels so surreal. It almost feels like I wasn't even gone. Like the past two and a half months never even happened; it was all just a dream. 

I went from feeling completely broken, lost, abandoned and hopeless wednesday night to feeling at peace in my heart and trusting with all my might that this was what I was supposed to be doing to follow God's leading; it is well with my soul. 

wednesday night, after the not so easy choice was layed out to me of either staying in Macas and following certain restrictions in my ministry or going home (for good), I had no idea which to choose. It was NOT that easy. And I cried out to God and asked Him how in the world could I make a choice, knowing either one did not involve the full measure of joy that Jesus wants me to have [John 17:13] in this life and especially relating to this ministry He has called me to. Either I stay in Macas and be held in chains by legalistic restrictions that immediately bring my mind to passages about the Pharisees in the Bible, or I choose to go home and murder my heart by having to leave the kids at the school, the families, my discipleship group girls. . . I didn't even know how to pray for discernment for such a decision. But I tried. I told God how much this hurt. How much I hated that this was the circumstance I had been put in. How I didn't understand how I could be expected to make a choice that day. And in all my time of prayer and crying, I did not hear God lead me to a choice. I heard Him say "ask for a week. Go home for a week."  And as I continued to pray and think about actually going back for a week, I felt continual confirmation that this was what God was asking me to do in obedience. 

And so, the next morning I called the mission organization and I asked. And before I asked, they spoke to me in a way I never thought such an organization would speak to a person. They talked to me about my age and lack of experience; they talked to me about my maturity level solely being based upon my age; they talked about my lack of commitment to the ministry. And in my tears that came, I begged that they would just let me have a week to be home with family and friends to clear my head and to pray and seek the LORD in all of this. I knew this to be wise, and they saw it as a cop out. And so they let me know that they would allow me to go home, but the decision was no longer mine whether or not I would be coming back at the end of the week. I would be getting a phone call later that week. It was a hot knife right in the heart. But even still, I had to be obedient to the only thing that I truly felt God's prompting towards in the situation. And so I accepted their terms in my leaving and bought my plane ticket for the next day. 

And, to my enemy's delight, I started to believe them. That I had made a mistake. That I had messed up. That I had lost sight of the vision. That I was coping out. That I was immature and that my lack of experience obviously meant lack of wisdom. And I started to feel hollow. And I started to feel like a failure. 

After the conversation with the mission organization, 10 of the girls from the third grade class came running into my room bawling. They swarmed me and hugged me and cried "Señorita Ali, no te vas! Por favor, no te vas! No nos dejas, Por favor!" Which, for those who need a translation, means don't leave. Please don't leave us. And I cried with them. Because it broke my heart, and I did NOT want to leave them. And my heart ached sitting in that room holding all of these little ones, my shirt wet with their tears. 

But the LORD cannot be mocked. He does not leave His precious children to be held captive in chains and lies brought and placed by the enemy. Oh no. My God is MIGHTY to save. And all of those lies that I had started to believe, He tore down and instead showered me with His TRUTH in the next 24 hours before I left Macas. Even in that moment in the classroom that was so unbearable with all of the girls crying, God showed me just how much I was able to love on them in the short time I was there. 

These girls had been planning a party for my birthday to be held on the actual day of my birth, but in learning about me leaving, their teacher encouraged them to move plans to that day (thursday). And so they went quickly to work with rearranging to prepare things for that afternoon. And at 4, they came into my room and told me to cover my eyes as they walked me outside to the cafeteria. I was expecting maybe the ten girls who planned the party and then a little cake (they had told me they bought one) and some soda, but what they actually did moved me to tears. When I opened my eyes, there were probably over 30 kids from all different grade levels in the cafeteria. And they had decorated it with streamers and balloons. And they had combined tables that was almost the whole length of the cafeteria, and it was COVERED with food, candy, sodas. . . and the most beautiful birthday cake I have ever had. And all of this the students had bought with their personal spending money. Edison told me he had never seen them attach so quickly to anyone the way they attached to me. And as they all shared about why they loved me,  hugged and kissed me throughout the afternoon, I just felt such reassurance from God that yes, I had been used by Him to do great things in the lives of these kids, just as I had hoped. 

And that evening I was invited over to a student's house for dinner where I had the most uplifting conversation with her mom. Her mom told me she wasn't really a big fan of mission organizations; they tend to put "God in a box" with rules and regulations, assuming He cannot work outside of this box and not giving Him the chance. She shared with me stories of some of her favorite missionaries that were disowned and disagreed with my mission organizations, but pursued with ruthless trust in God and overcame to do AMAZING work for the LORD without being under any organization. She said that although I may have been labeled a rebel by the organization, these people had been to. And they are considered some of the greatest servants of our Heavenly Father to this day in the mission world. 

The next morning was by far, one of the greatest ways that God spoke to me and comforted me through His people. The girls in my discipleship group I started had quickly pulled together a surprise party for me at Janeth and Andres' house, one of my favorite couples in Macas who were strong spiritual mentors in my time there. There were tons of kids from the youth group as well as other close teacher friends of mine from the school. The most encouraging part was that, at one point, everyone shared their goodbyes. Amidst tears were words of how I had shown them love and friendship that they hadn't experienced before; that I had shown them hope and acceptance; that I had encouraged them and challenged them in their walks with the LORD that sparked a fire and would continue to fan into a flame, even if I couldn't be there to lead them on. Someone very dear to my heart had told me only days before that I didn't even know how much I had impacted the people of Macas. And I really didn't think I did very much. But listening to people share was God's way of confirming that yes, I had been used by Him in big ways to love on and encourage so many. I thought I would need a year, but He showed me that He can do these things in 2 months. One of the girls in my d-group said that I had spent more time with them and apart of their lives in the past two months than some missionaries did in years. 

All throughout that morning, I was receiving text messages and phone calls form so many people. Words of encouragement; sharing my pain and assuring me that I was undeserving of this judgement and persecution. Words of love and compassion. Over and over the message of how much I would be missed and cherished was burned into my brain. I heard so many people say "Ali, more than anything you have to know you did nothing wrong." SO many words of support and love. People cried with me and for me when I shared with them in person, which moved me so deeply to know that as much as I loved the Macabean people and the community, God was showing me they felt the same for me. And the message that was repeated the most was "we want you to come back Ali. If you don't come back with the mission organization, we will pray and trust that God will open the door for you to come back another way." So many families told me that I am welcome to stay and live with them if (and when) I come back. 

And above all else, I hear God saying in all of this "well done, good and faithful servant." For a moment I felt like a failure, a very brief moment. And God completely crushed that lie within the last 24 hours that I was in Macas. And I don't know if I'll be going back. Honestly, even if I get invited back by the mission, I don't know if I want to be back under their leadership. I do know this: I will be going back. God has given me peace and confidence in that area. I don't know if it'll be next week, I don't know if it'll be next year. I don't know when, but I know that God has given me such a deep passion and desire for that city, specifically the people. And I know I will be going back. God is faithful.  

 

Numb

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for He has been good to me." 

-Psalm 13

This is where I am right now, minus the last two verses. I haven't reached that part yet; I can't find myself rejoicing in my salvation right now. I do trust in God's unfailing love, but after all day yesterday crying out to God not only in prayer but in tears, I just feel numb. NONE of this makes ANY sense right now. Not even in the slightest. Everything and everyone seems to be against me. I am being treated as a common criminal and have been told straight faced that there is a lack of trust in me. I'm sure you are wondering what in the world I am talking about, but it's nothing to lay out on a blog. I'm coming home for a week and I leave the Quito airport tomorrow late at night to arrive in Portland Saturday morning just after 11 AM. Again, the things going on are nothing to talk about in a blog; they are far too personal and I don't want to speak about any of this over something so public as the internet. I just want to know why. Why this is happening. I can't see God in any of this. I want to be angry at Him because I feel abandoned and I feel the weight of so much judgement and persecution that feels and is completely unjust. I have decided to come home for a time because I need my family and the counsel of some wise friends right now more than anything. I need to get out of Macas and be away from everything going on to really make the ridiculous decision I have been asked to make. I need time to clear my head and seek the LORD, because right now He feels so far away and I can't see Him in any of this. I want to. I trust in His love, I just can't feel any of it right about now. How long will you hide Your face from me? 

Refreshing

Yesterday was such a day of healing for me. 

Thank the LORD, I didn't even know how much I needed it until I was actually in Cuenca talking with Jennie and Samuel. 

Some friends from Salem, Samuel and Jennie Pino, are visiting in Ecuador right now. Samuel is form Ecuador and they met while Jennie was going to school in Quito and eventually got married. Now they live in Salem, but were here to visit family/visit Ecuador. I knew that they would be around during the next couple of days, but I didn't know exactly where or when I would be able to meet up with them, or if I would even get to meet up with them. I did know, however, that my heart was desperately hoping and longing for a chance to visit with them. I was trying to tell myself that if I couldn't meet up with them I would still be ok, but even with that, I couldn't let go of the desire to visit with them. 

Saturday, I got a call from Jennie letting me know that she and Samuel would be in Cuenca Sunday and if I could take a bus out to meet them, they could pick me up at the Terminal and we could spend the morning and afternoon visiting. Of course I wanted to go out to Cuenca and be with them!! To hear from her was wonderful; I didn't even care that it was 7 hour bus ride (it really isn't a long distance on a map, it's just that the buses go through the windy mountain roads so it takes quite some time), I just knew that I wanted/needed to visit with them. So that night, Ivonne and I got on the bus to leave for Cuenca at 11 PM and arrived in Cuenca the next morning just before 6 AM. Ivonne went to her parent's house and Jennie and Samuel picked me up and took me to their hotel. 

Like I said before, I didn't even realize how badly I needed to see and talk with them until I was actually sitting with them in the hotel lobby, sharing completely honestly about EVERYTHING that has been going on the past two months. One of the greatest things, is that Samuel and Jennie also know Robin and Wendy very well. The few people that I have shared with, in some details, don't really know Robin and Wendy and so conversations were never really ones that made me feel completely at rest. But to talk with people who know both myself and Robin and Wendy quite well, it was sooo good. 

Among many, many things that were healing about the conversation/time with them, one of the biggest was this was the FIRST time I truly felt recognized as an adult. Really. The way they spoke with me and listened to me and the advice they gave, was completely from the perspective of me being an adult, having proved I am mature,  and being able to govern myself. One thing Jennie said that I really appreciated was that I am beyond my maturity level in that I have completely left my home country with the desire and passion to serve this year in a completely foreign environment, and I deserve a lot more trust and respect than I have been receiving lately. It was also incredibly refreshing to talk and listen from someone who, like myself, went to Ecuador at a young age to live with a family she had not known before and trying to figure out how to best live together. Like I mentioned before, when Jennie was 19 going on 20, she went to school in Quito for a semester through Willamette University. Many of the things/circumstances I have been going through she experienced to a certain level of similarity. 

It was so healing for my heart to have sympathy and understanding from people who love and care for me dearly. To just sit with them and hear their words of encouragement, and empathy for what I have been going through lately, it brought me so much peace. To share ways that my heart has been hurting and experience the rest and healing that comes from "letting it out" with people I trust and admire so much. . . I can't even begin to explain. 

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for healing, resting, refreshing and rejuvenating my aching and tired heart. Thank you. 

The past weeks in short review

I have been reaaaally bad about updating lately. My bad!! I've been sooo busy lately and honestly haven't had the time to update. I've wanted to. Many, many times. Oooh, I have wanted to. There have been things these past few weeks that have hurt me to the point of being in tears and praying that God would just remind me that I live for and serve Him ALONE, and then there have been times where I have been overjoyed and cannot praise God enough for the newness and joy of so many things I am experiencing and learning about here. I have experienced a range of emotions and learned sooo many things; I feel like I live a month with each passing week by the amount of stuff that goes on in one of these weeks lately. So, sorry that the past few weeks have been a mystery. I'll start by saying one of the main reasons I have been so crammed with stuff lately. 

So, on Friday the 12th after school got out, Robin, the school administrator and the husband of the family I am living with, called me into his office for an "urgent meeting" and I have to admit, I was a little nervous. Like, maybe I was doing something wrong. But no, apparently that was not the case at all. What happened was that the english professor, Raul, had to leave Emmanuel because he was offered a job as an engineer (which is his passion) in Cuenca. And Robin just found out that day, which isn't uncommon here (you know, in the states we have the whole "two week notice" thing, but that isn't really enforced here). So Robin had called me in to let me know that I would from now on in be responsible for teaching english to the kinder through 6th grade students. I would no longer be teaching any computer classes, and would no longer have the responsibilities of the library. Which, although it is quite the hefty task to take on, I was overjoyed when he told me. It was SUCH an answer to prayer that I never saw coming. I was just feeling a little bummed about teaching computer classes and only 4 english classes, because I really wanted to do my best, but didn't feel gifted in the area of teaching computers. So I was praying that God would just continue to give me a servant's heart in the matter, and to remember I am here to serve wherever the need is. So, I was asking God to help me surrender my plans and embrace His. And then He showed me His plans involved a little change that I can't thank Him enough for. 

Well, I am discovering it really is quite the daunting task teaching 7 different grades of english. They all use different books, so there are literally seven different teacher books to go through and plan out lessons. And I can't just plan straight from the book; there's also interactive activities to plan, there's grading to do when kids finish homework from the work book. . . there's A LOT. And today I was just feeling really overwhelmed by it all. First of all, because monday is my busiest day (I have five english classes on mondays) and second of all, because majority of the students didn't do their homework and the 3rd graders just plain didn't remember/get anything from last thursdays' lesson. So I was just feeling really overwhelmed and vulnerable to spiritual attack. Like, as soon as one of the third graders told me they didn't do their homework because they really didn't understand, I immediately thought "it's cause I'm a bad teacher." I knew it was a spiritual attack, but it sounded so true in the moment. 

So later I was sitting in the "library" (it's really not much of a library right about now) trying to grade papers but not being able to because I was just feeling really low, when a friend walked in and asked what was the matter. I told him that everything was just not coming together right about now and I was feeling like I just want to teach the students to the best of my ability but I feel like I'm not doing that, and I feel like a bad teacher if they don't get it, and I just feel plain overwhelmed. He said a lot of very encouraging things. Including reminding me of some truths that I was forgetting lately: considering the fact that I have never gone to college, I just had to pick up 4 new english classes in one weekend, of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed. But the fact is that whether or not I have a college education isn't what will carry me or make me a better teacher here; the fact that I am here teaching because I have a desire to serve and a passion to teach and I absolutely adore kids, THAT is what will keep me here and make me the best teacher I could possibly be. And, most important of all, God is never going to leave me to do this on my own. Ever. I need to remember to put my trust in Him. He is my rock and my redeemer. 

Those were good encouraging words. I think it can just be overwhelming when I feel like there is so much I would like to do with the kids, but not enough class time or not enough time to prep. But it's ok. I serve a Mighty God. He is where I find my strength and where I place my trust. 

Some really, REALLY great news lately: I have had the blessing lately to begin discipling a girl one-on-one here. She is about 17 and recently decided to return to the church. Edison knows her pretty well, and she said she was wanting to get back involved, but really wanted to have someone lead her in a sort of Bible study to really get a solid faith base going. Edison suggested me, and we met last week and I'll be getting together with her again later today, which I'm really excited about. She's really a sweet girl with a genuine heart. I'm so blessed and humbled by this opportunity to be used in her life. I look forward to the ways that I will grow and be stretched in this time as well. Yay God! :)

I Belong Here

Today was the first day with students. It was a gorgeous day from the beginning. Classes start at 7:30, and I didn't have an English class until 9:15, so I had some time just to spend with kids and get to know some of them and see their excited faces for the first day of school. One of the little girls who came was crying and didn't want to go into class. She's in 4to de Basica (3rd grade), in Edison's class, and was standing at the gate clinging to her mother and balling. Edison was trying to get her to come into the school, but she refused to let go of her mom. Edison kept looking back towards his classroom and I could tell he was thinking that he should go back with his student, so I asked if I could stay with the girl. Her name is Nayeli. After her mom finally pried Nayeli's death grip from her arm, Nayeli was sobbing uncontrollably. I stood next to her and rubbed her back, and just waited until she calmed down a bit. After she had stopped crying, she still didn't want to leave the gate, so I stood with her and asked her questions about her summer vacation, her family, what were some of her favorite school subjects. . . lots of different things to take her mind off of missing her mom. She didn't want to go into the classroom, so I told her that was ok, that we could just hang out and we would go to the class when she was ready. I gave her the option of going to look at the new computer lab and library, and she liked that idea so after 30 minutes of standing in front of the school gate, we made some progress by going into the school. Her class was going outside to do an activity, and I asked if she would like to see the classroom while the kids are out. She said yes, so she accompanied me to look at the room. We found her desk and set her backpack there, then she accompanied me to the 3to de Basica classroom because they were my first english class today. They are sooo adorable!! I introduced myself and taught the kids a simple good morning song, and asked them what they think they would like about english. They said they loved singing english songs. :) We played a name game, and then the class was over. After that, I led an activity with Edwin, the language professor for the secondary kids (grades 7 - 9), since he and I will be paired up leading a reading activity sort of like "big brother, big sister" with kids from 3rd/6th grade, and then 2nd/7th grade. we played a game I learned at camp, and they LOVED it. It made me laugh to see them play, and Nayeli helped me lead the game. After that, we had snack time in the cafeteria, and Nayeli told me that after recess she felt ready to go to class. I was so excited for her! I took her to the classroom and sat with her for a few minutes, and then went to go see Ivonne. I was telling her about Nayeli, and how excited I was that she made it into the classroom, and Ivonne told me that Nayeli has had a very rough last few months. Her father passed away from a brain tumor in May, and this is her first year at Emmanuel because of a scholarship that the family received. She has been taking a lot of her mother's pain from losing her father, and feels responsible for her mother's happiness a lot lately. My heart sank just thinking how much weight she was carrying on such tiny shoulders. But at the same time, when we were at recess playing a game, I saw her smile for the first time that day. And we talked a bit when we went into the library, and it was such a joy and a blessing to witness her open up a little bit more. 

I went back into the classroom ten minutes before the bell was going to ring to end the day to say goodbye to Nayeli and the rest of the kids. In Ecuador, when the kids leave, they all kiss the professor (girls kiss the male and female professors on the cheek, and boys kiss the female professors, but shake the hands of the male professors). So while they were getting their things in their backpacks, Edison said "besa la señorita" and I received 23 sets of arms around my beck to pull my head down to their level, accompanied with 23 sweet little kisses on my cheek. It made my day!! 

Today was such a beautiful day. Not because of the weather, but because of the joy of having the kids in school and having such a prominent feeling of purpose and belonging throughout the day. I am so thankful that God has called me here this year. I am in love with these kids already! When I went into the 3to de Basica class for the English lesson, I asked if any of the kids remembered my name from the Inauguration ceremony the day before. One of the girls raised her hand, and said "your name is Ali, and you have the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard!" :) At the inauguration, I sang "Open the Eyes of My Heart" after Samuel sang it in spanish. 

I am so excited to be a part of these kids lives this year, and to get to know the girls who will be in the discipleship group. It is so excited to now have started the school year!! 

What a beautiful day. 

"Because your love is better than life, 

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live, 

and in your name I will lift up my hands. 

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you. . .

my soul clings to you, 

Your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63:3-5; 8

Traditional

Yesterday evening we went out to hermana Patricia and hermano Pedro's house for dinner. They cooked us up a very traditional and DELICIOUS Ecuadorian meal of Ianpacos (eye-ann-pacos), yucca, rice, and guayusa (why-use-a). Ianpacos is a dish that is cooked wrapped up in a banana leaf or an Ianpaco leaf, of chicken with palm and onions cooked over a coal barbecue. It is absolutely delicious. Yucca is a vegetable similar to a potato in appearance, but not quite the same in texture. Guayusa is a very sweet tea; it almost tastes like pure honey and sugar. It has about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. It is the tea of Macas, and has a lot of interesting stories tied into it's history. The Shuar women used to make the tea by rubbing the leaf against their outer thigh because it was considered to make it sweeter (ha ha!). I was also told that women should drink it when they are trying to get pregnant, because it makes them fertile. Lastly, the legend I have heard the most since I've been here, is that when you drink guayusa, you can't leave Macas (or at least stay away for too long). 

A lot of the older women in the church have already started to tell me they really want me to marry one of the guys here so that I can stay in Macas. It is so funny to me to hear them talk, because they say things like "Ali, the Ecuadorian men are very good men. They are romantics. They will take good care of you." and things like that, as if to persuade me. :) They love teasing me about a specific guy named Manolo after I told them I love piano music, because Manolo plays the piano and sings wonderfully. They said we would be a perfect match, because he wants to be a missionary too. We could serve the LORD during the day, and in the evenings he could sit at the piano and sing to me. :) I always tell them I wouldn't be against marrying an Ecuadorian, but I'm not seeking a husband while I'm here, either. 

I feel flattered more than anything when the women and other people in the church make comments like that. Comments that mean they like me and want me to stay. To know that you are appreciated and accepted so quickly is an amazing feeling. I feel so honored and humbled when someone tells me they are so glad I am here, or they tell me they don't want me to leave. My friend Edwin today told me that he thinks this is going to be a very blessed year. I asked him why, and he said "because we have the blessing of you living and serving here in Macas with us." I tried to say that I was the one who was blessed to be here with everyone, and he just kept repeating " un año bendicida". A blessed year. :)

New friends and favorites

Wednesday and Thursday have been my favorite days so far. Joshua, Caleb, and I met up with Isaac and the kids from the orphanage at the park. Isaac is 22 and is originally from BC Canada. His family lives in Riobamba, Ecuador and runs an orphanage there. He moved here to Macas last year to start an orphanage after hearing that there was a need for one in the city. There are about 12 kids that are living in the orphanage, and most of them are jungle kids. Isaac says he's strict about rules with them because a lot of them have never had anyone care before about what they did or when they did it. I had so much fun playing with the kids! One of the little boys in the orphanage, Daniel, is 7 and has a mental and physical disability. He always runs up to me and tugs on my shirt to pick him up. When I do, he gives me a big kiss on the cheek. Isaac was telling me (while Daniel was hitting him) that Daniel only hits people he likes. I said that was pretty funny, because so far all he's ever done is kissed me. He told me Daniel must hate me then. :) 

Another wonderful thing about the park is that it is at the top of a hill that has a 360 degree view of the city and surrounding jungle. It was BEAUTIFUL. We could see the Sangay Volcano because the sky was so clear; I was told you're lucky if you see it 5 times in a year. You could see the whole volcano and it's HUGE. It's so close to the city! Another gorgeous view was of the river that runs through the jungle. 

I think I've found my new favorite spot in the city. I'd like to make the walk out to the park ocasionally in the evenings just to sit and look out at the beauty God has created encircling Macas. 

The orphanage house is on the other side of the city from where I live, and I went there yesterday to visit Isaac and the play with the kids. He doesn't really get to spend a lot of time with people over the age of ten, so he invited me to come over whenever I had some free time. After talking to Isaac for awhile, I asked him who cut all the kids hair. He said someone at church usually does, but the kids hadn't had haircuts in months. I told him I cut my brothers' hair every now and again, and he got really excited. I told him I like cutting hair and would gladly cut the kids' hair sometime. "How about right now?" was his response, so I said of course. For the rest of the afternoon, I gave haircuts to 10 of the kids. He didn't have a buzzer, so I had to cut the boys' hair by hand and it took a little longer than I'm used to. I cut Anaela's hair first of the girls, and she wanted a chin-length bob with bangs. After I cut here hair like that, all of the girls wanted the exact same hair cut. So I guess I'm responsible if Isaac can't tell the girls apart anymore. :) 

I was NOT killing chickens!

I made the subject line because today I was doing a lot of painting at the school on the stair rails and walls, and I happened to be using red paint. One of the men from the church came by the school during the day and seeing my legs and arms covered in swipes of red, thought he'd tease me and asked me if I had been out killing chickens for dinner. The funny thing is, he knew I would see it as a joke, but it wouldn't be surprising if I had said yes. Well, maybe it would be surprising if I did because I'm the American, but not if one of the other women at the church said yes. 

Another funny story tied in to the painting theme was that today I wore really basic, not at all flattering clothes to paint in. I had on some basketball shorts and one of my soccer T-shirts. Ivonne and I were talking about how guys always whistle at you when you are walking down the streets. And I mean always. Yesterday when I was walking outside after church, I think I walked about 4 blocks and was whistled at about 3 different times. So, Ivonne and I were joking that today I would be off the hook since I obviously looked completely unattractive. But we STILL got whistled at, and I just said, "why?!" We were laughing for a long time. Edison was trying to convince me that I should see it as a compliment here if I get whistled at. "It's not like in the states," he said, "it's much more respectful for a man to whistle at you here." Yeah right. It's just more common. There are also little things that are funny to me about how forward the guys are here; They will always tell me without feeling like they would embarass me if they think I look attractive or when they look at my pictures, they'll say "te mires bien guapa" (you look really good/attractive). They will call mi "Alita Linda", or bonita, or guambita, or just linda all the time. After Edison greeted me one morning by saying "hola guambita linda", I asked him why he always had to say that. He said "well, you're beautiful. At least no one is saying 'hi, ugly lady'. You better get used to people flattering you. It's a compliment." They are just more straighforward, I guess. Not that I'm offended. ;)

I am really enjoying the two friends that I have grown closest with thus far: Ivonne and Edison. Edison doesn't speak any english, but he tries, which is REALLY funny, and he is always laughing. He has this crazy laugh and I love it because we all know I have quite a unique laugh, so it feels good to know another person can have just as interesting of a laugh. And I absolutely love Ivonne. We play off each other very well; we are always joking around and laughing together. I am so incredibly thankful that the LORD had Ivonne set out to be my roommate and friend. I adore her. 

Praise the LORD, I am falling in love with this city and these people. 

Holding on in Trust

This is an entry I wrote yesterday before I had a chance to get on the internet:

After Ivonne and I kept busy yesterday decorating the room, it was nice to have a mellow day today. We woke up at about 8:30 (which is actually the latest I've slept in so far. The sun rises at about 6:30 every morning, so it's actually harder to stay in bed after 7 unless you really try), had some breakfast, played with the boys and read. While we were reading at about noon, the catholic church that sits kitty-corner from mine and Ivonne's room started to play some music over their loudspeakers just before making a general announcement. It was about a festival they are having this evening to celebrate the virgin Mary. after making the announcement they played a little more music. Ivonne said they make announcements a lot, which is not something I'm looking forward to, because it's very loud and we keep the window open to try and keep things somewhat cool, so it's even louder still. 

I went on a walk this afternoon with Wendy and Joshua (he's the four year old) to go see the tailer who will be working on my teaching uniform. We walked along a trail that is right across from the jungle area and it was BEAUTIFUL. I'm really excited to live so close to such beautiful, lush forests. On a good day, when there aren't as many clouds in the sky, there is a beautiful view from the school of the Sangay Volcano. It's not very far away; just outside of the city limits. Ivonne said the trail we will be using on our runs takes us right by the river through a small part of the forest. I'm excited!

I still can't really believe I'm here. I mena, when I walk the streets and go to the stores or am at the house with Robin, wendy, Ivonne and the boys, I know I'm here. But it's still foreign and scary territory to me when I think about just how long I'll be here for. Not in an I-don't-want-to-be-here sort of scary, but in the sense that I've never done anything like this before and just the thought of days, weeks and months here can be so overwhelming and terrifying sometimes. I don't really know how to describe the difference between cold feet and just the fear of the unkown. But even with that weak spot, I know that God has a purpose behind all of this. Because of that, I rest in the assurance that He has brought me here and He is faithful. "When I am most afraid, I put my trust in You; in God I put my trust, fearing nothing [Psalm 56:3-4]". 

I thank God and relish in the moments where my spirit is stirred with joy and peace in knowing that this is where God has called me to be. Like when Pastor Domingo greeted me at the prayer meeting Thursday night. He embraced me in this big, bear hug and told me he and his wife have been praying for me ever since they first learned I would be coming, and were so excited for me and blessed to have me as a missionary at the school. He called me "nuestra Hermanita Ali" as he introduced me to the rest of the church. Or when Ivonne and i prayed together the night before she went to Cuenca for the weekend to see her family. I had been praying throughout the year that God would bring me a sister that I could pray with, be real with, and share in fellowship with throughout the year. When we prayed together, I knew that Ivonne would be that sister for me. My heart couldn't stop leaping. Ivonne told me later that she hadn't prayed with a friend like that in years, and was moved to tears. I was so overwhelmed with humility in realizing that not only did God answer my prayers by giving me the accountability and fellowship I needed in Ivonne, but He also wanted to use me to answer her spiritual needs. I am countinually astounded by how intricately God works. It's such a beautiful, awe-inspiring and humbling thing to witness.