Numb

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for He has been good to me." 

-Psalm 13

This is where I am right now, minus the last two verses. I haven't reached that part yet; I can't find myself rejoicing in my salvation right now. I do trust in God's unfailing love, but after all day yesterday crying out to God not only in prayer but in tears, I just feel numb. NONE of this makes ANY sense right now. Not even in the slightest. Everything and everyone seems to be against me. I am being treated as a common criminal and have been told straight faced that there is a lack of trust in me. I'm sure you are wondering what in the world I am talking about, but it's nothing to lay out on a blog. I'm coming home for a week and I leave the Quito airport tomorrow late at night to arrive in Portland Saturday morning just after 11 AM. Again, the things going on are nothing to talk about in a blog; they are far too personal and I don't want to speak about any of this over something so public as the internet. I just want to know why. Why this is happening. I can't see God in any of this. I want to be angry at Him because I feel abandoned and I feel the weight of so much judgement and persecution that feels and is completely unjust. I have decided to come home for a time because I need my family and the counsel of some wise friends right now more than anything. I need to get out of Macas and be away from everything going on to really make the ridiculous decision I have been asked to make. I need time to clear my head and seek the LORD, because right now He feels so far away and I can't see Him in any of this. I want to. I trust in His love, I just can't feel any of it right about now. How long will you hide Your face from me?