My Supply

I'm finally in my new home in Simi Valley, CA. In my two-bedroom apartment, where, in the next couple of weeks, there will be four of us girls sharing this space. Sarah and I are here, and are sharing a room, and I already love her (don't say that's typical, ha ha). Our bedroom finally looks like a bedroom, as of about yesterday (we've been here three full days), but the rest of our apartment looks pretty barren. Our living room just has empty boxes and random objects that are hoping to sit on a bookshelf in the near future. . . paintings, school supplies, a vacuum, my $15 chair from the UGM store. . . aside from those things, it's pretty barren. Our kitchen has no fridge. I bought a $3 styrofoam ice box to keep frozen vegetables in, to cook with our ramen noodles for the time being. Sarah and I are so thankful because yesterday we found a fridge off of craigslist that the guy sold us for $150, and will be moving into our apartment today. $150 between the four of us comes to about $38.50 a piece! Amazing.

Since being here, I've been realizing how much it actually costs to live in your own place. Aside from rent (which is not easy even with the four of us, as this is southern california), there's water, gas, electric, wi-fi (which we are actually still debating purchasing), gas money, grocery money, any possibility for saving money. . .ugh. Aside from monthly expenses, the idea of actually furnishing our apartment feels overwhelming. Other EBC kids are constantly telling me about great furniture finds for free on curbs or in dumpsters, and so far, I just haven't seen anything. We are going to try hitting up some garage sales this weekend and some thrift stores, but it can still feel discouraged when I realize I need to pay for these things and I'm going job hunting during an economic recession.

I have this great little box of cards on my nightstand next to my bed that I got in the Philippines that says "God's Promises", and is full of these amazing and encouraging verses that remind me of God's Truth. I was thinking, once again, about how in the world I'm going to get a job and praying that I would completely trust in God's faithfulness and that He provides when His timing is best. I decided to sift through some of my Promise cards, as I like to do when I just need a little reminder of His Truth. Amazingly, this card was on the top of the pile when I opened the lid:

"My God in turn will supply your needs fully, in a way worthy of His magnificent riches in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19

What a wonderful truth that I needed to be reminded of! He will supply my needs fully. Not my definition of fully, either, but the one that He actually knows I need. And the fullness of His riches, which are not of this world, but are far greater!!

As I am getting ready to go out job hunting this morning, I'm keeping that verse in my prayer throughout my day. I can trust in the truth that He will provide for me. Whether that means I get a job soon, or in a few months. . . no matter what turns up, I know that He will provide my needs fully.

Across the Nations

I was just talking to a friend of mine in the Philippines on facebook chat, and reading a message from my ñaña (Quichua for sister; she's not really my sister, but we call each other ñaña, hee hee) in Ecuador, and I was thinking of just how incredible it is to be connecting to so many people across so many nations. Kuya Erwin was telling me how proud he was of me for choosing to attend Eternity Bible School, and congratulating me on my acceptance, and asked to pray over me and I just couldn't help but think of Paul's prayer for the church in Ephesians 1:16-19:

"I ask - ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory - to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is that He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him- endless energy, boundless strength!"

This has been a favorite of mine to pray over friends, and I couldn't help but feel humbled in realizing that Kuya's prayer for me was emanating that very prayer that Paul had, and that I love to pray over those who mean so much to me. To think, that I've only actually been around Kuya Erwin and Ate Rita in person for about a week and half, that Ivonne, my ñaña, and I only lived together for 2 and a half months, and yet I feel that I have this great connection and fellowship with them, as a family who are connected so strongly because of our shared love for Christ. It's incredible!!! It's humbling and awe-inspiring and a source of indescribable joy all at the same time. I just think of that song "How He loves us" which is just a constant repetition of that one phrase throughout the whole song. I am so amazed, constantly, about how He loves us. It's so surprising, refreshing, exhilarating and engaging every day! 

That passage in Ephesians, especially the part "grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him" I just feel a whole new wave of complete agreement with that statement within me. What a glorious way of life!! To have a glimpse of the extravagance of His work in us!! It's amazing. 

This may be just a bunch of rambling that doesn't entirely connect, but I guess I don't entirely care. I am amazed by how God can create such strong connections between people who barely see each other, all because of the unifying love of Christ. 

Refreshing

You know what is so beautifully refreshing? When someone believes in you. More specifically, when someone reminds you of the evidence of Jesus you carry. Being a glimpse of Jesus. Exuding the Spirit. Aaah, I love it. It's my ultimate hope and goal: to give people I come in contact with in life a glimpse of Jesus, hoping that leads to more. It's wonderful and gives my stomach a flutter when someone affirms that just that can be seen in me. Love it!

I also love getting letters in the mail. Like, handwritten letters. Or invitations to something. With a handwritten address on the envelope. I don't especially like printed out letters. I LOVE getting mail where I can see someone's handwriting, even if it's chicken scratch. It's from the heart, which is what counts in my book. Lately I've received a handful of letters just like that and it seriously brings me more joy than I should probably get from receiving a letter. Just the idea that someone is thinking of me and took the time to write to me, gives me the warm fuzzies. Maybe it's pathetic, but I refuse to see it as that. 

I've been feeling pretty. . . light lately. I like the word "light", because I've felt this weight and burden that I've forced myself to carry throughout most of the year and I'm learning what to pick up and what to refuse to carry. It's great. I'm still re-learning a lot of things, and sometimes I get really irritated with my pace, but at the same time. . . I'm moving. And that's what matters. yay, God! :) (that sounds like such an elementary-schooler statement, and I'm not even going to take it back). 

Confidence

You know what? One of the biggest things I think I have been learning throughout this year has been where my confidence lies. I tend to give it away to whoever appears to deserve that kind of "ruling" over me. And unfortunately for my little heart, I gave that ability to either boost or smother my confidence over to someone who didn't deserve that privilege. And it hurt. As much of an understatement as it is, that's the best way I'm going to put it. It hurt. 

I have learned so many things throughout this year, and I'm still learning so many, and I probably won't fully understand about 80% of these things while I'm alive, but that doesn't mean the discovery process isn't worth while. One of the biggies for me has been my confidence. I've always said my confidence is in Christ, but the unstable part of my past that seeks so much of my approval from the people around me begs to differ far too often. And that can be good to seek encouragement from people who can reinforce what He has created and instilled in me, but at the same time, there can be a lot of pain if I place that delicate privilege in the wrong hands. 

I spent a good portion of this year in tears feeling and knowing that there were people who thought the worst of me, who made assumptions about me and had a misconstrued view of who I am or what my intentions have been in life.  I let that judgement have worth for far too long. Only recently have I finally been able to say "my confidence does not come from these people. My confidence must always come from Christ". Because there is always going to be someone who thinks ill of me. I consider myself to be a really outgoing and likable person, but that doesn't mean everyone does. But at the end of the day, the only one who has authority to truly speak into me has to be the Holy One who created me. I can't give that privilege away to just anyone. 

I had a pretty rough day today. I cried a lot. But in retrospect, I wasn't as torn down as I have been in similar situations I had to wade through earlier on in the year. I received a text from someone I love and value so very much that read "remember that you are valuable and beautiful in God's eyes and so many others', like mine. Love you". And that was just what I needed to have my "ah-ha!" moment. He loves me. He has surrounded me with a support circle of others who love me. And that's all I need. Throughout the rough meeting I had today, when I felt like I was once again being wrongly accused and blamed, instead of going into argument mode, inside my head I kept saying: 

You are so loved. You are so loved.   

And the rest didn't matter. I wasn't in control of anything else but my own response. And even though I didn't get the response I fully hoped for, I feel confident in knowing I did the best that I could within my power to make peace. The rest, doesn't matter. There is no one else who has the power to influence my confidence aside from Christ Himself, unless I give them that power. I'm going to be darn picky as to who I give that kind of power to. This I know: I am so loved. That is my confidence. 

Welcome to the Fallout

I feel drained. I feel exhausted. I feel. . . done. Like I could curl up into a ball and just hibernate for a few years. I'm ready to call it quits on life. I'm done. 

I've been trying for so many months to learn how to balance and stay on my feet again, and it's been a rough learning process. And I've had so much incredible support and encouragement and love along the way, and at the same time, I've had the exact opposite force driving me down just as hard. And often times, it's coming from a source that should be lifting me up and helping me figure out how to walk again. 

I'm tired of feeling like instead of being poured into, I'm being dried out. I'm tired of being told that there is a lack of maturity, and at the same time saying that it's understandable because of my age. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm another textbook kid who has to admit where they screwed up and admit that I'm a bad person, apologize for something I don't even believe I did, and move on from that. 

I don't know how to get up again. I keep listening to the song Savior King by Hillsong united, and the line that's my headline, I want it to be true for me. But right now it's just not. 

"and now the weak say I have strength"

I don't really believe that right now. I feel defeated. And very, very weak. 

And I don't like to sound whinny but. . . I have had a really rough day today especially and just feel like I'm ready to pick a completely different direction in life because the one I'm in right now hurts like hell

SexGod

Think it's an awkward book title? Try reading it in a coffee shop realizing the person sitting two tables away from you just can't stop staring at the front of your book. . . .

Aside from the title being something that completely catches you off guard, I am already loving this book. It's by Rob Bell, and I highly recommend it. I've never really been a big fan of christian abstinence books. They all pretty much say the same thing: wait until you're married to have sex because that is the way it's supposed to be. And any teenager who's got hormones feels like a sinner for even thinking of asking why? The subject is kind of taboo. Nobody wants to talk about it. Just. . . don't do it. 

But. . . why? 

The reason I love SexGod is because Rob Bell really addresses the why behind the wait. Or as he frequently writes throughout his book, "this is really about that."  His subtitle is Exploring the endless connection between sexuality and spirituality. Because this is really about that. 

 

Here's a great passage: 

 

There's Something Else Going on Here

There's a passage in the book of Ephesians where it's written, "Those who have been stealing must steal no longer. [Ephesians 4:28]". 

Which is quite straightforward - don't steal. But the passage doesn't end there. It continues: "but must work, doing something useful with their own hands."

But it doesn't end there. It ends with: "that they may have something to share with those in need."

On first read, the instructions seem as basic as it gets. But there is much going on here just below the surface. 

First, the command doesn't stop with the "don't" part. The writer understands that that kind of instruction rarely helps. When we're told not to do something, how often are we truly compelled not to do it, especially if we enjoy it? If it's just me against the lust, the odds are always against me. 

But there's something else going on here. 

Stealing involves large amounts of adrenaline. The rush of planning, pulling it off, not getting caught, getting something for nothing. And then there's the expectation of next time. If we got something this significant for free, could we steal something even more valuable? What if we raised the stakes, hit a store with a better security system, tested ourselves? Stealing involves the senses, the intellect, a person's fear threshold. It even has a powerful social dynamic. Stealing with someone creates a powerful bond between people. When our adrenaline is pumping, that's a physiological phenomenon. It feels good because things are happening with the chemicals in our bodies, with our nerves and brain and bloodstream. If we do that enough, our bodies get used to it. 

We could use the word addicted. A person gets addicted to it. 

if you tell the person who's stealing not to, and you leave it at that, you've taken something away, but you haven't replaced it with anything. That's why the instructions in Ephesians are so brilliant. The urging to stop stealing is followed by the command to have the person do "something useful with their own hands." The word useful is the Greek word agathos, which is also translated "good" and "benevolent". 

Why does the writer mention the hands?

Because you steal with your hands. Stealing is a sensory experience, an adrenaline rush involving the hands. The command is to replace one adrenaline rush with another, a better one, one that's good. But it doesn't stop there. The command ends with the person who was stealing learning to do something good with their hands so that they can take care of the needs of someone else. Stealing is about taking from someone. This passage is about giving to someone who has less because you have more. 

This passage is about something central to what it means to be human: it's about desire. It's about the thief finding something they'll desire more than stealing. 

"You thought taking things for free was a rush? Try giving free food to someone who's starving." 

Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of desire. It's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires. 

What are you channeling your energies into? 

Because they will go somewhere. 

Maybe it's as simple as asking God to show it to you, to give it to you, to make you aware of it. 

What is it you've given your life to? 

Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world. 

What do you want more? 

Moving. . .?

I was just thinking how a good majority of my closest and best friends don't live here anymore. Kristin got married and now lives in Tennessee. And I would say she's the furthest away, but Ivonne lives in Ecuador and I consider her to be one of my best friends. Andrea has lived in Canada all our lives, so that's nothing new, but since we finally got to see each other outside of the summer vacation atmosphere, I'm more aware of how much we really don't see each other. Molly's been at George Fox, Leah's there as well, Tifani's in Colorado, and even though I have a ton of Monmouth and Eugene friends that are just a car drive away, if you don't have gas money, that car drive might as well be another continent. My Salem friends that I'm closest with are usually super busy or just on different schedules, so getting together is hard to do. I don't want this to sound like a pity party entry (although it already does), but I was just thinking about that and realizing I may very well be finding myself completely uprooting once again and vulnerably moving into a brand new area, culture, and lifestyle. 

Ok, so it's not a completely different country this time, but it is Southern California, which is the place I never ever thought I would end up, let alone want to be living there. I'm sure most of you know that I've been thinking about attending Eternity Bible College for some time now. Well, it's spring term now at Chemeketa and we're heading into summer in just over 10 weeks, and EBC starts classes in late August. And I have some BIG decisions to make. I have never before had to actually choose where I wanted to go to school. Even with Chemeketa I began classes because it was the next step that made sense. . . . Salem's community college, until I figure out what's next. Now I'm starting to think through and pray through what's next. And to be honest. . . 

I am terrified. 

 I am so afraid of what will come if I choose to take the huge faith step and move down to Simi Valley, CA to attend EBC. And it's not just a I'm-nervous-I-won't-make-friends kind of a fear; this is something that unfortunately was instilled in me after my last experience where I made a huge prayer-led decision, and it didn't work out. I think 'didn't work out' is putting it nicely; to me, it felt like everything came crashing down in an instant and I was left empty and confused. 

I'm so thankful because I know that this healing process has been taking baby steps which is exactly the way it should be, and I am growing and healing and learning and experiencing and discovering and processing and. . . loving learning what it means when the heart waits. And I am sooo thankful! But I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about EBC that goes "don't you remember what happened last time?" 

Right now I'm listening to Hillsong United's "Savior King". My headline actually comes from this song. I love it so much: 

and now the weak say "I have strength"

By the Spirit of Power that raised Christ from the dead

I can put out an obvious statement and say I feel weak. But I'm setting aside a month to really dive into praying through some choices I need to be making about college, and where I will (theoretically) be spending the next four years of my life. And I have to remember I can only make choices based upon what I have in front of me right now. I can't see far ahead of me, and I'm not expected to. I'm asked to trust. And I can try. I can trust that there is so much more. . . 

I am not a failure. 

That was not a failure. 

Thanks for reading all the way through this, friends.