Moving. . .?

I was just thinking how a good majority of my closest and best friends don't live here anymore. Kristin got married and now lives in Tennessee. And I would say she's the furthest away, but Ivonne lives in Ecuador and I consider her to be one of my best friends. Andrea has lived in Canada all our lives, so that's nothing new, but since we finally got to see each other outside of the summer vacation atmosphere, I'm more aware of how much we really don't see each other. Molly's been at George Fox, Leah's there as well, Tifani's in Colorado, and even though I have a ton of Monmouth and Eugene friends that are just a car drive away, if you don't have gas money, that car drive might as well be another continent. My Salem friends that I'm closest with are usually super busy or just on different schedules, so getting together is hard to do. I don't want this to sound like a pity party entry (although it already does), but I was just thinking about that and realizing I may very well be finding myself completely uprooting once again and vulnerably moving into a brand new area, culture, and lifestyle. 

Ok, so it's not a completely different country this time, but it is Southern California, which is the place I never ever thought I would end up, let alone want to be living there. I'm sure most of you know that I've been thinking about attending Eternity Bible College for some time now. Well, it's spring term now at Chemeketa and we're heading into summer in just over 10 weeks, and EBC starts classes in late August. And I have some BIG decisions to make. I have never before had to actually choose where I wanted to go to school. Even with Chemeketa I began classes because it was the next step that made sense. . . . Salem's community college, until I figure out what's next. Now I'm starting to think through and pray through what's next. And to be honest. . . 

I am terrified. 

 I am so afraid of what will come if I choose to take the huge faith step and move down to Simi Valley, CA to attend EBC. And it's not just a I'm-nervous-I-won't-make-friends kind of a fear; this is something that unfortunately was instilled in me after my last experience where I made a huge prayer-led decision, and it didn't work out. I think 'didn't work out' is putting it nicely; to me, it felt like everything came crashing down in an instant and I was left empty and confused. 

I'm so thankful because I know that this healing process has been taking baby steps which is exactly the way it should be, and I am growing and healing and learning and experiencing and discovering and processing and. . . loving learning what it means when the heart waits. And I am sooo thankful! But I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about EBC that goes "don't you remember what happened last time?" 

Right now I'm listening to Hillsong United's "Savior King". My headline actually comes from this song. I love it so much: 

and now the weak say "I have strength"

By the Spirit of Power that raised Christ from the dead

I can put out an obvious statement and say I feel weak. But I'm setting aside a month to really dive into praying through some choices I need to be making about college, and where I will (theoretically) be spending the next four years of my life. And I have to remember I can only make choices based upon what I have in front of me right now. I can't see far ahead of me, and I'm not expected to. I'm asked to trust. And I can try. I can trust that there is so much more. . . 

I am not a failure. 

That was not a failure. 

Thanks for reading all the way through this, friends. 

Youtube generation

Sometimes I feel like we're becoming better friends with the internet and less with each other. 

I mean, I really love that email and facebook allows me to keep up with my friends that live outside of the states that I can't just call up and talk to (long distance calls to Ecuador are about $1 a minute. . .  ouch), and it's fun to post pictures and stuff and browse through friends' photo albums. But I'm not entirely talking about facebook. It's part of it, but that's not what really is bugging me. 

I've never really spent much time on youtube. If friends send me links to videos they think are funny, I'll watch them. I just have never really understood how to browse videos, and it makes me nervous thinking of searching youtube and having videos come up that I really don't want to watch. 

However, yesterday while studying for finals I looked up some of my favorite youtube videos, and decided I'd follow some of the links on the sidebar to see if any of them were really as funny as they were supposed to be. Lots of hits and misses, really. I really hate to admit it but I think I spent over an hour looking at a bunch of these random videos people all over the world uploaded. One video in particular caught my attention, it's called How to Be English by some kid in the UK. It's really pretty funny. 

The thing that struck me the most, however, was that this video was uploaded by someone who is a youtube video blogger: someone who frequently, every couple of weeks or so, uploads a video where they just talk about random stuff or make a funny spoof video. This specific video blogger had millions of views, hundreds of thousands of subscribers, and comments flowing in every couple of minutes. 

I was surprised at how many people do this; video blogging. On youtube. Talking intimately as if you were having a conversation with your best friend, but it's with a webcam that will be viewed by thousands of strangers who feel like they know you personally. Am I the only person who feels weird about this? I just don't like the idea that my generation is spending more time connecting with an internet personality such as baseballfan108, rather than calling up a friend  and going out to coffee to really connect.

 Our relationships are becoming more and more impersonal and we're ok with that. We like that. It doesn't involve vulnerability. You don't have to really share what's going on in your heart. Really, you can be whatever you want to be and feel accepted. Since when did feeling accepted matter more than truly being loved? 

I don't know if I'm properly writing out what I'm trying to say. I just don't like how impersonal we've become, and it makes me nervous how much this trend could continue with future generations. There's youtube vloggers who are only 12 and 13 years old even! I just wish there was more emphasis on fellowship and getting together with friends for a game night, rather than sitting in front of the computer screen all evening and rating your favorite youtubers newest video.  

Makes me wonder

I went to see Brett Dennen in concert last night at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland. He is by far my favorite secular artist. He's a folk artist, and his lyrics are so centralized around love and diversity and beauty and hope. . . pretty hippie, right? But I was actually thinking, while he was talking in between sets, where such an idea, a message, really stems from. He was speaking the audience how many of us knew that love is the only thing that conquers all, even hate. He asked if people believed that the best gift you could ever give someone is forgiveness. He asked if you believed that the best gift you could give yourself was forgiveness. And while he was saying that, I couldn't help but think that such a message stems from Jesus' very similar words in His ministry. I have no idea what Brett Dennen's spiritual beliefs are, but I wonder, for those who believe so whole-heartedly in a message of love and forgiveness, do they recognize where that Truth really comes from? How much would people's minds change about Jesus if they knew that what they so desperately seek to find within themselves and other people, is exactly what Christ offers us, and so much more? It upsets me to think that religion clouds those truths that are the core of what everyone desperately seeks and desires. People know that's what they need; do they know where they will receive it fully, experience it fully, live it completely? It makes me wonder. . . . and hope. 

Other than that thought, I wanted to share one of his songs that I really enjoy. All of his music, I feel, spreads a great message. This is one of those that I really enjoy: 

When I heard the news, my heart fell on the floor

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore

In these troubled times it's hard enough, as it is

My soul's known a better life than this

I wondered how so many, could be in so much pain,

While others don't seem to feel a thing?

Then I cursed my whiteness and I get so damn depressed

In a world of suffering, why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado

She built a monument of salt behind a garage door

where everyday she prays for all whom are born

and all who's souls will pass on

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick

I can't see how I'm gonna get through it

But then I would rather be stuck up in a tree

Than be tied to it

I know

There is so much more

I don't feel comfortable with the way that my clothes fit

I can't get used to my body's limits

I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues

they cost a lot of money but, they aren't worth a thing

I want to free my feet from the broken glass and concrete

I need to get out of this city

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky

Wondering when I'll go when I die

when I die

[There is So Much More]

listen to it if you want. :)

healing music

Lately (and by lately I mean the past few months) I've felt myself desperately seeking reassurance that I am loved. I crave the reminder of God's truth and the passion He has for me, and it feels like a continuous uphill battle fighting against the lies of the enemy. I guess to describe my heart these past few months, I would use words like "weak, frail, mending, healing. . . ." I'm basically feeling worn out. And many times find myself on the point of giving in and just trying to settle for believing I'm at least tolerated. And then I feel pathetic. And the emotional, mental and spiritual self-destruction goes on. It hurts. And I can't be frustrated with myself, when the enemy really knows what he's doing. I just have to take baby steps in remembering His love. 

Lately I've been getting back into Coldplay much more. They are by far one of my favorite bands. Beautiful music. And one day when my heart was feeling especially heavy, I heard their song Warning Signs: 

[Come on in,

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in. 

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is:

I miss you. 

Yeah, the truth is

that I miss you so. 

And I'm tired. . . .

. . .  so I crawl back into your open arms. 

Yes I crawl back into your open arms. ] - Warning Signs

I was listening to it with a friend and had to turn my head, because I had started crying quietly, and of course it's embarrassing to cry listening to a song. But it was sooo what my heart was feeling, and feels often. I miss Him. I miss Truth. I miss constant reminders of Love. It was a start, and a reminder. Abba's arms are so much more than open, and I can RUN into them! Some other songs that stir my soul, are "See You Soon" and "A Message". Here are some of the lyrics from each song: 

[So you lost your trust, 

And you never should have

no, you never should have. . . .

. . . you lost your trust, oh

you lost your trust, I know. 

Don't lose your trust, no. 

Don't lose your trust.]  - See You Soon 

Obviously, this is a very small section of the song, but I just love the repetition of the understanding that sometimes you lose trust, but I have to remember who I'm putting my trust in and why it's worth it in His hands. 

[My song is love 

Love to the lonely song 

And it goes on 

You don't have to be alone.

Your heavy heart

is made of stone

And it's so hard to see clearly

you don't have to be on your own. 

You don't have to be on your own. 

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Gotta get that message home. 

My song is love. 

My song is love I know

And I'm on fire for you, clearly

you don't have to be alone

You don't have to be on your own. 

And I'm not gonna take it back. 

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

And I'm nothing on my own. 

Got to get that message home. 

And I'm not gonna stand and wait

Not gonna leave it til it's much too late

On a platform I'm gonna stand and say

That I'm nothing on my own. 

And I love you please come home! 

My song is love, is love 

And I've got to get that message home.]

So much of this song reminds me of the persistency of God in ransoming our hearts. He does NOT give up, and He does NOT take any of it back. I especially love the chorus line: "And I'm not gonna take it back, and I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that', you're the target that I'm aiming at, gotta get that message home." 

It's nice to know that I just need to look and listen around me to be reminded of God's love, He always meets me right where I'm at and is more than happy to remind me of how much He delights in me [Psalm 41:11]. 

Blessings

My friend Andrea called me yesterday while I was at church and left a message on my facebook telling me she was driving through Oregon on her way back to B.C. from Cali, and was wondering if I had time to hang out and if her and her two roommates could crash at our house for a little while before continuing on the drive home. To say I was excited is a total understatement. Andrea and I have been friends since I was about 9 and she was 10; we met on our boats in Desolation Sound, Brittish Columbia. Her family is from Calgary, Alberta but would also go to Desolation Sound for the summers. We met in the summer of '99 and hung out almost all summer, and before we returned home, my mom suggested we consider becoming pen pals. So we did. We wrote to each other at least once every two weeks for YEARS. It's actually incredible just how long we've kept up being pen pals; we still write to each other!  We've been trying to figure out a time and place to get together since Andi's been at school in Vancouver, B.C. studying youth ministry but hadn't been able to make it work. We hadn't seen each other for almost 5 years. So this was a long overdue reunion. My favorite part about it all is just how much of a surprise it was for me!! 

It was as if we had just seen each other the week before when she got to our house Sunday night. We went through my box of letters that had all of her letters she'd written to me, dating all the way back to 1999, and were cracking up for hours just reading what Andrea wrote as a 10, 11 and 12 year old. We found a picture of us from when we were probably 13 and 14, the last time we saw each other, and commented on how both of us were so much skinnier back then.(I put the picture up here, along with one we decided to recreate before she left). We stayed up late reminding each other of some of the greatest memories we had from our summers hanging out together; there were sooo many great memories!! I just kept thinking what an incredible blessing it was to have this friend in my life, and how great it has been to have such a phenomenal sister to go through the years with, even if not in person together. We went to the Gov Cup monday while her roommates went to do some "American" shopping at stores like Nordstrom and Bath and Body Works, and just talked about anything and everything for hours. We talked about homeless ministries, missions ministries, youth ministries, (lots of ministries, now that I'm writing it out), relationships. . .  so much!! After the rain died down, we went to Riverfront and walked around awhile, then rode the Carousel. We also checked out some of the stores that aren't in Canada before reuniting with her roommates so they could continue the drive home. 

I just think this was the most incredible blessing for me to see Andrea so unexpectedly, especially with how hard of a time I was having missing everyone in Ecuador just days ago. I was thinking while we were going to sleep Sunday night, just how blessed I was to have the friendship that I do with Andrea. She and I are soo alike, it astounds me!! I love her so much, and still can't believe she was just here hours ago after having not seen each other for so many years. 

my missing

I really miss my friends and family in Ecuador right now. Just today has felt like this overwhelming wave of hurt and loss. 

This just really sucks right now. 

I know I've put up these lyrics before, but I need to see them again. 

You should see the stars tonight

How they shimmer, shine so bright

Against the black they look so white

Coming down from such a height 

To reach me now

You reach me now

You should see the moon in flight

Cutting cross a mystic night

Softly dancing in sunshine

Reflections of His light

Reach me now

You reach me now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me?

And make everything

Beautiful again

You should feel the sun in spring

Coming out after a rain

Suddenly all is green

Sunshine on everything

I can feel it now

I feel You now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me? 

and make everything

Beautiful, and you should hear the angels sing

All gathered round their King

More beautiful than you could dream

And then quietly listening

You can hear 'em now

I hear 'em now

And how could such a King

Shine His light on me? 

And make everything 

Beautiful

and I wanna shine

I wanna be a light

I wanna tell you it'll be alright

And I wanna shine

I wanna fly

just to tell you know it'll be alright

it'll be alright

it'll be alright

Cause I've got nothing of my own to give to you

But this Light that shines on me, shines on you

And makes everything

Beautiful

Again. 

It'll be alright

It'll be alright. 

-David Crowder "Stars"

One Year.

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.

In C.S. Lewis' a grief observed, he writes through his dealings with the death of his wife Helen,  of whom he only refers to as "H" throughout the book, I'm assuming because even writing the name of his passed wife rips open the wound each time. 

 

It's been one whole year since Jared Nagel died. And today feels like the weirdest day. Yesterday was the actual year mark, but today feels even more off than yesterday did to me. I feel like I'm in a weird rut. . . and I can't talk my way out of it, or explain why I'm feeling the way I am. . . 

I remember my family was watching the movie King of California when I got a call from my friend Jessica. Being as she isn't even in Oregon anymore, I was so excited to see that I was getting a call from her. I went in to my room, and answered excitedly. She wasn't anywhere near as enthusiastic, and I asked what was going on. 

"Jared had an accident. . . " I knew Jared to be a crazy kid, so his having an accident wasn't exactly shocking news. I thought it was just like any of the other times before. Not that I ever got calls about them, though. I asked if he was alright. 

"He's dead, Ali." 

I sat in my room for about 20 minutes just staring at my wall. Not thinking. Just sitting. Staring. I went into the living room, and I looked at Chaz sitting on the couch. I tried to tell him that Jared had died, but before I could even get the sentence out, the tears finally came. I was bawling and couldn't stop. I called my friend Kristin and asked if I could stay the night at her house. I didn't want to be alone, and for some odd reason, I didn't really want to be in my house either. I cried most of the night and couldn't sleep the rest of it. 

Now the strangest thing in the midst of all of this, is that something inside of me always makes me feel guilty for grieving. Guilty. There's something in me that always feels like a phony; I wasn't his best friend, I wasn't as close to him as, say, Chaz or Paige or Lucas or Beth or Jessica. . . they surely have a right to be torn-up about this. I don't. But that doesn't make it go away. If anything, this false-conviction leaves me even more tangled trying to deal with grief and a twisted feeling of being unworthy to be so upset from losing Jared. I still confuse myself. I feel like I'm in that place again, with it being a whole year since Jared has died. I feel the sadness and the emptiness. And I also feel like this is somehow not ok for me to feel this way. That the people who should be feeling this way are his family and his best friends. Not me. Why does the enemy always have to torment me?!