Love is here

Come to the water, you who thirst

and you'll thirst no more

Come to the Father, you who work

and you'll work no more

and all you who labor in vain

and to the broken and shamed

Love is here

love is now

love is pouring from His hands, from His brow

love is near

it satisfies

Streams of mercy flowing from His side

Cause love is here

Come to the treasure, you who search

and you'll search no more

Come to the Lover, you who want

and you'll want no more

And to the bruised and fallen

captives bound and broken hearted

He is the LORD

He is the LORD

By His stripes He's paid our ransom

From His wounds we drink salvation

He is the LORD 

He is the LORD

Love is here. 

When I got to visit Tifani in Colorado, she gave me the Tenth Avenue North CD, and this is the first song on the CD. I've listened to it constantly since then. And I'm continuing to be reminded just as whoever the guys that wrote this song were, that my God is here. His love is here. Not it's coming, or hang in there for just another sec, you've got to wait it out a little longer. His love remains. 

I am being held and I am being healed. I can feel it and see it all around me. That's not to say that it doesn't still hurt sometimes. But I can't let my desire for instant gratification affect my trust in the LORD. He is the Healer, and he has promised me this. So I put my trust in that, and I have to remember to hold onto that Truth.

"The LORD your God is with you, He is MIGHTY to save! He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." [Zephaniah 3:16-17]

And Josh, I think your words echo what so many others have been encouraging me and strengthening me with. But since you put it in writing, I hope it's ok if I put it here. It gives me so much strength. :) 

"Ali, you've got to read some missionary bios, it will give you some great perspective. . . it's what I often do. The road you're on, most never make it. Those who do, have been broken and rebuilt to withstand the innumerable bumps and challenges along the way. I believe God's in the process now of making you into someone He can use in big ways around the world. We're not born that way and it doesn't only happen when we're 0-18. God is making someone He can use and He often uses many of the ingredients that are currently present in your life. If something like this knocks you off the path, you weren't going to make it very far anyways. If it doesn't. . . THEN. . . you're much closer to experiencing God's best for you than you were 2 short months ago, and you just might have what it takes. We're still figuring out if I have what it takes. . . this isn't coming from one who has it figured out. . . no. . . one who is figurING it out. You rock, Ali. Don't give up." 

Thanks. I can't thank all of you enough, who have loved on me, encouraged me, urged me forward, and challenged me throughout my time here. Thanks for being used by Him to be a blessing to me. I love you all. :) 

why

Lately I just want to ask God why. I don't just want to ask, I want Him to really answer. Really. Because it feels pretty unfulfilling right now to hear someone say if I just have a desire to serve, He will send me. I had that desire, I have had that desire, and I'm home right now. Why did I even go just to be hurt in coming back? It's not even like I'm sad in coming home at the end of the year. . . I'm just wounded and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what happens next, and I just feel like giving up. 

Why? 

Lost. . .

I just bought the book "The Shack" today. I read about two chapters of it a few days ago when I was visiting my friend Leah, and today while I was at the airport and was sitting staring at the Powell's across the way, thought I might as well go on over and see if they have it in stock and if it's at a reasonable price. I kept thinking of the book since I read it. The fact that the main character is going through what he continues to describe as "the great sadness" sounds fairly close to what kinds of emotions I am struggling through right about now. So I found it at the Powell's in the airport, and it was reasonably priced and I purchased it. And I read it, the whole flight. There were a few parts that brought tears to my eyes, but the part that really struck me was here:

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. " I feel so lost."

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

A few short sentences that embody my thoughts and hurts, and a message that only Jesus truly can share: I'm with you and I'm not lost, therefore neither are you. 

I may feel lost. . . but Jesus isn't lost. 

"This I know: God delights in you!"

"This I know: God delights in you! The enemy will not shout in triumph over you!" - Psalm 41:11

I feel like the past week has been the craziest of my entire life. It has been a tidal wave of different emotions. I have cried more and harder this past week than I think I may have cried in my entire life. And now that I'm home and sitting in my bedroom, it feels so surreal. It almost feels like I wasn't even gone. Like the past two and a half months never even happened; it was all just a dream. 

I went from feeling completely broken, lost, abandoned and hopeless wednesday night to feeling at peace in my heart and trusting with all my might that this was what I was supposed to be doing to follow God's leading; it is well with my soul. 

wednesday night, after the not so easy choice was layed out to me of either staying in Macas and following certain restrictions in my ministry or going home (for good), I had no idea which to choose. It was NOT that easy. And I cried out to God and asked Him how in the world could I make a choice, knowing either one did not involve the full measure of joy that Jesus wants me to have [John 17:13] in this life and especially relating to this ministry He has called me to. Either I stay in Macas and be held in chains by legalistic restrictions that immediately bring my mind to passages about the Pharisees in the Bible, or I choose to go home and murder my heart by having to leave the kids at the school, the families, my discipleship group girls. . . I didn't even know how to pray for discernment for such a decision. But I tried. I told God how much this hurt. How much I hated that this was the circumstance I had been put in. How I didn't understand how I could be expected to make a choice that day. And in all my time of prayer and crying, I did not hear God lead me to a choice. I heard Him say "ask for a week. Go home for a week."  And as I continued to pray and think about actually going back for a week, I felt continual confirmation that this was what God was asking me to do in obedience. 

And so, the next morning I called the mission organization and I asked. And before I asked, they spoke to me in a way I never thought such an organization would speak to a person. They talked to me about my age and lack of experience; they talked to me about my maturity level solely being based upon my age; they talked about my lack of commitment to the ministry. And in my tears that came, I begged that they would just let me have a week to be home with family and friends to clear my head and to pray and seek the LORD in all of this. I knew this to be wise, and they saw it as a cop out. And so they let me know that they would allow me to go home, but the decision was no longer mine whether or not I would be coming back at the end of the week. I would be getting a phone call later that week. It was a hot knife right in the heart. But even still, I had to be obedient to the only thing that I truly felt God's prompting towards in the situation. And so I accepted their terms in my leaving and bought my plane ticket for the next day. 

And, to my enemy's delight, I started to believe them. That I had made a mistake. That I had messed up. That I had lost sight of the vision. That I was coping out. That I was immature and that my lack of experience obviously meant lack of wisdom. And I started to feel hollow. And I started to feel like a failure. 

After the conversation with the mission organization, 10 of the girls from the third grade class came running into my room bawling. They swarmed me and hugged me and cried "Señorita Ali, no te vas! Por favor, no te vas! No nos dejas, Por favor!" Which, for those who need a translation, means don't leave. Please don't leave us. And I cried with them. Because it broke my heart, and I did NOT want to leave them. And my heart ached sitting in that room holding all of these little ones, my shirt wet with their tears. 

But the LORD cannot be mocked. He does not leave His precious children to be held captive in chains and lies brought and placed by the enemy. Oh no. My God is MIGHTY to save. And all of those lies that I had started to believe, He tore down and instead showered me with His TRUTH in the next 24 hours before I left Macas. Even in that moment in the classroom that was so unbearable with all of the girls crying, God showed me just how much I was able to love on them in the short time I was there. 

These girls had been planning a party for my birthday to be held on the actual day of my birth, but in learning about me leaving, their teacher encouraged them to move plans to that day (thursday). And so they went quickly to work with rearranging to prepare things for that afternoon. And at 4, they came into my room and told me to cover my eyes as they walked me outside to the cafeteria. I was expecting maybe the ten girls who planned the party and then a little cake (they had told me they bought one) and some soda, but what they actually did moved me to tears. When I opened my eyes, there were probably over 30 kids from all different grade levels in the cafeteria. And they had decorated it with streamers and balloons. And they had combined tables that was almost the whole length of the cafeteria, and it was COVERED with food, candy, sodas. . . and the most beautiful birthday cake I have ever had. And all of this the students had bought with their personal spending money. Edison told me he had never seen them attach so quickly to anyone the way they attached to me. And as they all shared about why they loved me,  hugged and kissed me throughout the afternoon, I just felt such reassurance from God that yes, I had been used by Him to do great things in the lives of these kids, just as I had hoped. 

And that evening I was invited over to a student's house for dinner where I had the most uplifting conversation with her mom. Her mom told me she wasn't really a big fan of mission organizations; they tend to put "God in a box" with rules and regulations, assuming He cannot work outside of this box and not giving Him the chance. She shared with me stories of some of her favorite missionaries that were disowned and disagreed with my mission organizations, but pursued with ruthless trust in God and overcame to do AMAZING work for the LORD without being under any organization. She said that although I may have been labeled a rebel by the organization, these people had been to. And they are considered some of the greatest servants of our Heavenly Father to this day in the mission world. 

The next morning was by far, one of the greatest ways that God spoke to me and comforted me through His people. The girls in my discipleship group I started had quickly pulled together a surprise party for me at Janeth and Andres' house, one of my favorite couples in Macas who were strong spiritual mentors in my time there. There were tons of kids from the youth group as well as other close teacher friends of mine from the school. The most encouraging part was that, at one point, everyone shared their goodbyes. Amidst tears were words of how I had shown them love and friendship that they hadn't experienced before; that I had shown them hope and acceptance; that I had encouraged them and challenged them in their walks with the LORD that sparked a fire and would continue to fan into a flame, even if I couldn't be there to lead them on. Someone very dear to my heart had told me only days before that I didn't even know how much I had impacted the people of Macas. And I really didn't think I did very much. But listening to people share was God's way of confirming that yes, I had been used by Him in big ways to love on and encourage so many. I thought I would need a year, but He showed me that He can do these things in 2 months. One of the girls in my d-group said that I had spent more time with them and apart of their lives in the past two months than some missionaries did in years. 

All throughout that morning, I was receiving text messages and phone calls form so many people. Words of encouragement; sharing my pain and assuring me that I was undeserving of this judgement and persecution. Words of love and compassion. Over and over the message of how much I would be missed and cherished was burned into my brain. I heard so many people say "Ali, more than anything you have to know you did nothing wrong." SO many words of support and love. People cried with me and for me when I shared with them in person, which moved me so deeply to know that as much as I loved the Macabean people and the community, God was showing me they felt the same for me. And the message that was repeated the most was "we want you to come back Ali. If you don't come back with the mission organization, we will pray and trust that God will open the door for you to come back another way." So many families told me that I am welcome to stay and live with them if (and when) I come back. 

And above all else, I hear God saying in all of this "well done, good and faithful servant." For a moment I felt like a failure, a very brief moment. And God completely crushed that lie within the last 24 hours that I was in Macas. And I don't know if I'll be going back. Honestly, even if I get invited back by the mission, I don't know if I want to be back under their leadership. I do know this: I will be going back. God has given me peace and confidence in that area. I don't know if it'll be next week, I don't know if it'll be next year. I don't know when, but I know that God has given me such a deep passion and desire for that city, specifically the people. And I know I will be going back. God is faithful.  

 

Numb

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for He has been good to me." 

-Psalm 13

This is where I am right now, minus the last two verses. I haven't reached that part yet; I can't find myself rejoicing in my salvation right now. I do trust in God's unfailing love, but after all day yesterday crying out to God not only in prayer but in tears, I just feel numb. NONE of this makes ANY sense right now. Not even in the slightest. Everything and everyone seems to be against me. I am being treated as a common criminal and have been told straight faced that there is a lack of trust in me. I'm sure you are wondering what in the world I am talking about, but it's nothing to lay out on a blog. I'm coming home for a week and I leave the Quito airport tomorrow late at night to arrive in Portland Saturday morning just after 11 AM. Again, the things going on are nothing to talk about in a blog; they are far too personal and I don't want to speak about any of this over something so public as the internet. I just want to know why. Why this is happening. I can't see God in any of this. I want to be angry at Him because I feel abandoned and I feel the weight of so much judgement and persecution that feels and is completely unjust. I have decided to come home for a time because I need my family and the counsel of some wise friends right now more than anything. I need to get out of Macas and be away from everything going on to really make the ridiculous decision I have been asked to make. I need time to clear my head and seek the LORD, because right now He feels so far away and I can't see Him in any of this. I want to. I trust in His love, I just can't feel any of it right about now. How long will you hide Your face from me? 

Refreshing

Yesterday was such a day of healing for me. 

Thank the LORD, I didn't even know how much I needed it until I was actually in Cuenca talking with Jennie and Samuel. 

Some friends from Salem, Samuel and Jennie Pino, are visiting in Ecuador right now. Samuel is form Ecuador and they met while Jennie was going to school in Quito and eventually got married. Now they live in Salem, but were here to visit family/visit Ecuador. I knew that they would be around during the next couple of days, but I didn't know exactly where or when I would be able to meet up with them, or if I would even get to meet up with them. I did know, however, that my heart was desperately hoping and longing for a chance to visit with them. I was trying to tell myself that if I couldn't meet up with them I would still be ok, but even with that, I couldn't let go of the desire to visit with them. 

Saturday, I got a call from Jennie letting me know that she and Samuel would be in Cuenca Sunday and if I could take a bus out to meet them, they could pick me up at the Terminal and we could spend the morning and afternoon visiting. Of course I wanted to go out to Cuenca and be with them!! To hear from her was wonderful; I didn't even care that it was 7 hour bus ride (it really isn't a long distance on a map, it's just that the buses go through the windy mountain roads so it takes quite some time), I just knew that I wanted/needed to visit with them. So that night, Ivonne and I got on the bus to leave for Cuenca at 11 PM and arrived in Cuenca the next morning just before 6 AM. Ivonne went to her parent's house and Jennie and Samuel picked me up and took me to their hotel. 

Like I said before, I didn't even realize how badly I needed to see and talk with them until I was actually sitting with them in the hotel lobby, sharing completely honestly about EVERYTHING that has been going on the past two months. One of the greatest things, is that Samuel and Jennie also know Robin and Wendy very well. The few people that I have shared with, in some details, don't really know Robin and Wendy and so conversations were never really ones that made me feel completely at rest. But to talk with people who know both myself and Robin and Wendy quite well, it was sooo good. 

Among many, many things that were healing about the conversation/time with them, one of the biggest was this was the FIRST time I truly felt recognized as an adult. Really. The way they spoke with me and listened to me and the advice they gave, was completely from the perspective of me being an adult, having proved I am mature,  and being able to govern myself. One thing Jennie said that I really appreciated was that I am beyond my maturity level in that I have completely left my home country with the desire and passion to serve this year in a completely foreign environment, and I deserve a lot more trust and respect than I have been receiving lately. It was also incredibly refreshing to talk and listen from someone who, like myself, went to Ecuador at a young age to live with a family she had not known before and trying to figure out how to best live together. Like I mentioned before, when Jennie was 19 going on 20, she went to school in Quito for a semester through Willamette University. Many of the things/circumstances I have been going through she experienced to a certain level of similarity. 

It was so healing for my heart to have sympathy and understanding from people who love and care for me dearly. To just sit with them and hear their words of encouragement, and empathy for what I have been going through lately, it brought me so much peace. To share ways that my heart has been hurting and experience the rest and healing that comes from "letting it out" with people I trust and admire so much. . . I can't even begin to explain. 

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for healing, resting, refreshing and rejuvenating my aching and tired heart. Thank you. 

The past weeks in short review

I have been reaaaally bad about updating lately. My bad!! I've been sooo busy lately and honestly haven't had the time to update. I've wanted to. Many, many times. Oooh, I have wanted to. There have been things these past few weeks that have hurt me to the point of being in tears and praying that God would just remind me that I live for and serve Him ALONE, and then there have been times where I have been overjoyed and cannot praise God enough for the newness and joy of so many things I am experiencing and learning about here. I have experienced a range of emotions and learned sooo many things; I feel like I live a month with each passing week by the amount of stuff that goes on in one of these weeks lately. So, sorry that the past few weeks have been a mystery. I'll start by saying one of the main reasons I have been so crammed with stuff lately. 

So, on Friday the 12th after school got out, Robin, the school administrator and the husband of the family I am living with, called me into his office for an "urgent meeting" and I have to admit, I was a little nervous. Like, maybe I was doing something wrong. But no, apparently that was not the case at all. What happened was that the english professor, Raul, had to leave Emmanuel because he was offered a job as an engineer (which is his passion) in Cuenca. And Robin just found out that day, which isn't uncommon here (you know, in the states we have the whole "two week notice" thing, but that isn't really enforced here). So Robin had called me in to let me know that I would from now on in be responsible for teaching english to the kinder through 6th grade students. I would no longer be teaching any computer classes, and would no longer have the responsibilities of the library. Which, although it is quite the hefty task to take on, I was overjoyed when he told me. It was SUCH an answer to prayer that I never saw coming. I was just feeling a little bummed about teaching computer classes and only 4 english classes, because I really wanted to do my best, but didn't feel gifted in the area of teaching computers. So I was praying that God would just continue to give me a servant's heart in the matter, and to remember I am here to serve wherever the need is. So, I was asking God to help me surrender my plans and embrace His. And then He showed me His plans involved a little change that I can't thank Him enough for. 

Well, I am discovering it really is quite the daunting task teaching 7 different grades of english. They all use different books, so there are literally seven different teacher books to go through and plan out lessons. And I can't just plan straight from the book; there's also interactive activities to plan, there's grading to do when kids finish homework from the work book. . . there's A LOT. And today I was just feeling really overwhelmed by it all. First of all, because monday is my busiest day (I have five english classes on mondays) and second of all, because majority of the students didn't do their homework and the 3rd graders just plain didn't remember/get anything from last thursdays' lesson. So I was just feeling really overwhelmed and vulnerable to spiritual attack. Like, as soon as one of the third graders told me they didn't do their homework because they really didn't understand, I immediately thought "it's cause I'm a bad teacher." I knew it was a spiritual attack, but it sounded so true in the moment. 

So later I was sitting in the "library" (it's really not much of a library right about now) trying to grade papers but not being able to because I was just feeling really low, when a friend walked in and asked what was the matter. I told him that everything was just not coming together right about now and I was feeling like I just want to teach the students to the best of my ability but I feel like I'm not doing that, and I feel like a bad teacher if they don't get it, and I just feel plain overwhelmed. He said a lot of very encouraging things. Including reminding me of some truths that I was forgetting lately: considering the fact that I have never gone to college, I just had to pick up 4 new english classes in one weekend, of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed. But the fact is that whether or not I have a college education isn't what will carry me or make me a better teacher here; the fact that I am here teaching because I have a desire to serve and a passion to teach and I absolutely adore kids, THAT is what will keep me here and make me the best teacher I could possibly be. And, most important of all, God is never going to leave me to do this on my own. Ever. I need to remember to put my trust in Him. He is my rock and my redeemer. 

Those were good encouraging words. I think it can just be overwhelming when I feel like there is so much I would like to do with the kids, but not enough class time or not enough time to prep. But it's ok. I serve a Mighty God. He is where I find my strength and where I place my trust. 

Some really, REALLY great news lately: I have had the blessing lately to begin discipling a girl one-on-one here. She is about 17 and recently decided to return to the church. Edison knows her pretty well, and she said she was wanting to get back involved, but really wanted to have someone lead her in a sort of Bible study to really get a solid faith base going. Edison suggested me, and we met last week and I'll be getting together with her again later today, which I'm really excited about. She's really a sweet girl with a genuine heart. I'm so blessed and humbled by this opportunity to be used in her life. I look forward to the ways that I will grow and be stretched in this time as well. Yay God! :)