2 blogs?!

I'm apparently going to have 2 blogs this school year. I have been asked to be one of the student bloggers here at EBC, which honestly is a huge honor to me and I am sooo excited to do it!! Reading Alise's blog (who is now a close friend of mine here at EBC) was so key to my taking the risk in applying and moving down here for school, and it's amazing to think that someone else could be encouraged and have their questions answered through reading my blog on the EBC website. 

Right now, the blogs aren't up yet. We had our "bloggers photoshoot" the other day, where Mark Beuving, the Dean of Students and my intro to Discipleship Counseling professor, took pictures of all 6 of us who will be blogging this school year. I'm going to put up some of the pictures for your viewing pleasure. I just sent in my first blog entry to Mark to put up on the website, but I'm not quite sure when he'll update the site and get them going. Probably soon. Anyway, here's a link to the blogs page: EBC student bloggers in case that doesn't work out, basically if you go to eternitybiblecollege.com, and click on the "future students" link on the left-hand side, then click on the "student bloggers" link on the left hand side of that page, you should arrive at the same place. 

So, I don't know how often I'll be updating this blog. Feel free to keep up with my EBC blog! I'm excited to be apart of such a neat project. :)

So here's all of us, starting with me from right to left: Josh, Alise, Brad, Scott and Torri. 
Alise, Torri, Scott and I are all mimicking our friend Gerry and his mannerisms
this one was just for fun: our evolution impression ;)
soccer team picture, anyone? 
I'm stuck in a hedge!!

Love: How To Really Love Other People

That's the title of my favorite chapter in Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz. I'm sure everyone and their dog has heard of this book, but bare with me, because today has suddenly become an ok day after I re-read this chapter, and I want to share this goodness with you.
I've been feeling in a bit of a daze since I've been in California. I don't really know how to explain it other than to say in a daze. I know I've used the example of being in a fog before, but it wasn't even like that. I just kind of felt like I'm trying to figure out how I "fit" here, and how I'm liked or whatever here (I hate that I even spend so much time on how I'm liked, but it's more like trying to figure out who actually likes me for who I am and not caving under the pressure to be whatever I think would be more likable).
I feel like in the midst of everything I've been trying to figure out and adjust to in being here, I've forgotten who I am and what the calling on my life has and always will be, no matter what environment/culture/people I find myself in. I am to love God, and love others. I feel like this truth has just been kind of stifled in my life since I came here to California. I don't really know why, it just kind of has. I guess I've been so caught up in trying to figure out how I fit, that I've forgotten what the main point actually is. It's not about me. It's about loving God and loving others.
I can't say I owe this entirely to my re-reading of Blue Like Jazz, because for one, I specifically looked up the chapter on love because I knew I needed to be reminded of something. I can recognize that all of this central-focused attitude has left me feeling inferior, unlikable, and pretty dumb. I also recognize that if I can switch up my focus from why I am not receiving the affirmation I am seeking from people here, and instead focus everything on my affirmation coming from Christ, then pouring out that fullness of His love to all around me regardless of how I am treated or seen, I will see myself and others as Christ sees us all.
Here's a snipet of the chapter that I love so much:
"Mr. Spencer [a professor at Westmont] then asked us about another area in which he felt metaphors cause trouble. He asked us to consider relationships. What metaphors do we use when we think of relationships? We value people, I shouted out. We invest in people, another person added. And soon enough we had listed an entire white board of economic metaphor. Relationships could be bankrupt, we said. People are priceless, we said. All economic metaphor. I was taken aback.
"And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. . . I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. . . I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more.
". . . I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people away from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson. "
I want to love in such a way that I recognize it as needing to be lavished upon everyone. I want it to just pour out of every area of my life, and I never want to withhold love because I think someone needs to "learn something" from it. That's not my job, and it never will be. I hope this never becomes lost in the daze again. I pray it won't.

My Supply

I'm finally in my new home in Simi Valley, CA. In my two-bedroom apartment, where, in the next couple of weeks, there will be four of us girls sharing this space. Sarah and I are here, and are sharing a room, and I already love her (don't say that's typical, ha ha). Our bedroom finally looks like a bedroom, as of about yesterday (we've been here three full days), but the rest of our apartment looks pretty barren. Our living room just has empty boxes and random objects that are hoping to sit on a bookshelf in the near future. . . paintings, school supplies, a vacuum, my $15 chair from the UGM store. . . aside from those things, it's pretty barren. Our kitchen has no fridge. I bought a $3 styrofoam ice box to keep frozen vegetables in, to cook with our ramen noodles for the time being. Sarah and I are so thankful because yesterday we found a fridge off of craigslist that the guy sold us for $150, and will be moving into our apartment today. $150 between the four of us comes to about $38.50 a piece! Amazing.

Since being here, I've been realizing how much it actually costs to live in your own place. Aside from rent (which is not easy even with the four of us, as this is southern california), there's water, gas, electric, wi-fi (which we are actually still debating purchasing), gas money, grocery money, any possibility for saving money. . .ugh. Aside from monthly expenses, the idea of actually furnishing our apartment feels overwhelming. Other EBC kids are constantly telling me about great furniture finds for free on curbs or in dumpsters, and so far, I just haven't seen anything. We are going to try hitting up some garage sales this weekend and some thrift stores, but it can still feel discouraged when I realize I need to pay for these things and I'm going job hunting during an economic recession.

I have this great little box of cards on my nightstand next to my bed that I got in the Philippines that says "God's Promises", and is full of these amazing and encouraging verses that remind me of God's Truth. I was thinking, once again, about how in the world I'm going to get a job and praying that I would completely trust in God's faithfulness and that He provides when His timing is best. I decided to sift through some of my Promise cards, as I like to do when I just need a little reminder of His Truth. Amazingly, this card was on the top of the pile when I opened the lid:

"My God in turn will supply your needs fully, in a way worthy of His magnificent riches in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19

What a wonderful truth that I needed to be reminded of! He will supply my needs fully. Not my definition of fully, either, but the one that He actually knows I need. And the fullness of His riches, which are not of this world, but are far greater!!

As I am getting ready to go out job hunting this morning, I'm keeping that verse in my prayer throughout my day. I can trust in the truth that He will provide for me. Whether that means I get a job soon, or in a few months. . . no matter what turns up, I know that He will provide my needs fully.

Across the Nations

I was just talking to a friend of mine in the Philippines on facebook chat, and reading a message from my ñaña (Quichua for sister; she's not really my sister, but we call each other ñaña, hee hee) in Ecuador, and I was thinking of just how incredible it is to be connecting to so many people across so many nations. Kuya Erwin was telling me how proud he was of me for choosing to attend Eternity Bible School, and congratulating me on my acceptance, and asked to pray over me and I just couldn't help but think of Paul's prayer for the church in Ephesians 1:16-19:

"I ask - ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory - to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is that He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him- endless energy, boundless strength!"

This has been a favorite of mine to pray over friends, and I couldn't help but feel humbled in realizing that Kuya's prayer for me was emanating that very prayer that Paul had, and that I love to pray over those who mean so much to me. To think, that I've only actually been around Kuya Erwin and Ate Rita in person for about a week and half, that Ivonne, my ñaña, and I only lived together for 2 and a half months, and yet I feel that I have this great connection and fellowship with them, as a family who are connected so strongly because of our shared love for Christ. It's incredible!!! It's humbling and awe-inspiring and a source of indescribable joy all at the same time. I just think of that song "How He loves us" which is just a constant repetition of that one phrase throughout the whole song. I am so amazed, constantly, about how He loves us. It's so surprising, refreshing, exhilarating and engaging every day! 

That passage in Ephesians, especially the part "grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him" I just feel a whole new wave of complete agreement with that statement within me. What a glorious way of life!! To have a glimpse of the extravagance of His work in us!! It's amazing. 

This may be just a bunch of rambling that doesn't entirely connect, but I guess I don't entirely care. I am amazed by how God can create such strong connections between people who barely see each other, all because of the unifying love of Christ. 

Refreshing

You know what is so beautifully refreshing? When someone believes in you. More specifically, when someone reminds you of the evidence of Jesus you carry. Being a glimpse of Jesus. Exuding the Spirit. Aaah, I love it. It's my ultimate hope and goal: to give people I come in contact with in life a glimpse of Jesus, hoping that leads to more. It's wonderful and gives my stomach a flutter when someone affirms that just that can be seen in me. Love it!

I also love getting letters in the mail. Like, handwritten letters. Or invitations to something. With a handwritten address on the envelope. I don't especially like printed out letters. I LOVE getting mail where I can see someone's handwriting, even if it's chicken scratch. It's from the heart, which is what counts in my book. Lately I've received a handful of letters just like that and it seriously brings me more joy than I should probably get from receiving a letter. Just the idea that someone is thinking of me and took the time to write to me, gives me the warm fuzzies. Maybe it's pathetic, but I refuse to see it as that. 

I've been feeling pretty. . . light lately. I like the word "light", because I've felt this weight and burden that I've forced myself to carry throughout most of the year and I'm learning what to pick up and what to refuse to carry. It's great. I'm still re-learning a lot of things, and sometimes I get really irritated with my pace, but at the same time. . . I'm moving. And that's what matters. yay, God! :) (that sounds like such an elementary-schooler statement, and I'm not even going to take it back). 

Confidence

You know what? One of the biggest things I think I have been learning throughout this year has been where my confidence lies. I tend to give it away to whoever appears to deserve that kind of "ruling" over me. And unfortunately for my little heart, I gave that ability to either boost or smother my confidence over to someone who didn't deserve that privilege. And it hurt. As much of an understatement as it is, that's the best way I'm going to put it. It hurt. 

I have learned so many things throughout this year, and I'm still learning so many, and I probably won't fully understand about 80% of these things while I'm alive, but that doesn't mean the discovery process isn't worth while. One of the biggies for me has been my confidence. I've always said my confidence is in Christ, but the unstable part of my past that seeks so much of my approval from the people around me begs to differ far too often. And that can be good to seek encouragement from people who can reinforce what He has created and instilled in me, but at the same time, there can be a lot of pain if I place that delicate privilege in the wrong hands. 

I spent a good portion of this year in tears feeling and knowing that there were people who thought the worst of me, who made assumptions about me and had a misconstrued view of who I am or what my intentions have been in life.  I let that judgement have worth for far too long. Only recently have I finally been able to say "my confidence does not come from these people. My confidence must always come from Christ". Because there is always going to be someone who thinks ill of me. I consider myself to be a really outgoing and likable person, but that doesn't mean everyone does. But at the end of the day, the only one who has authority to truly speak into me has to be the Holy One who created me. I can't give that privilege away to just anyone. 

I had a pretty rough day today. I cried a lot. But in retrospect, I wasn't as torn down as I have been in similar situations I had to wade through earlier on in the year. I received a text from someone I love and value so very much that read "remember that you are valuable and beautiful in God's eyes and so many others', like mine. Love you". And that was just what I needed to have my "ah-ha!" moment. He loves me. He has surrounded me with a support circle of others who love me. And that's all I need. Throughout the rough meeting I had today, when I felt like I was once again being wrongly accused and blamed, instead of going into argument mode, inside my head I kept saying: 

You are so loved. You are so loved.   

And the rest didn't matter. I wasn't in control of anything else but my own response. And even though I didn't get the response I fully hoped for, I feel confident in knowing I did the best that I could within my power to make peace. The rest, doesn't matter. There is no one else who has the power to influence my confidence aside from Christ Himself, unless I give them that power. I'm going to be darn picky as to who I give that kind of power to. This I know: I am so loved. That is my confidence. 

Welcome to the Fallout

I feel drained. I feel exhausted. I feel. . . done. Like I could curl up into a ball and just hibernate for a few years. I'm ready to call it quits on life. I'm done. 

I've been trying for so many months to learn how to balance and stay on my feet again, and it's been a rough learning process. And I've had so much incredible support and encouragement and love along the way, and at the same time, I've had the exact opposite force driving me down just as hard. And often times, it's coming from a source that should be lifting me up and helping me figure out how to walk again. 

I'm tired of feeling like instead of being poured into, I'm being dried out. I'm tired of being told that there is a lack of maturity, and at the same time saying that it's understandable because of my age. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm another textbook kid who has to admit where they screwed up and admit that I'm a bad person, apologize for something I don't even believe I did, and move on from that. 

I don't know how to get up again. I keep listening to the song Savior King by Hillsong united, and the line that's my headline, I want it to be true for me. But right now it's just not. 

"and now the weak say I have strength"

I don't really believe that right now. I feel defeated. And very, very weak. 

And I don't like to sound whinny but. . . I have had a really rough day today especially and just feel like I'm ready to pick a completely different direction in life because the one I'm in right now hurts like hell