And now the weak say I have strength

2 blogs?!

2009-09-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

I'm apparently going to have 2 blogs this school year. I have been asked to be one of the student bloggers here at EBC, which honestly is a huge honor to me and I am sooo excited to do it!! Reading Alise's blog (who is now a close friend of mine here at EBC) was so key to my taking the risk in applying and moving down here for school, and it's amazing to think that someone else could be encouraged and have their questions answered through reading my blog on the EBC website.

Right now, the blogs aren't up yet. We had our "bloggers photoshoot" the other day, where Mark Beuving, the Dean of Students and my intro to Discipleship Counseling professor, took pictures of all 6 of us who will be blogging this school year. I'm going to put up some of the pictures for your viewing pleasure. I just sent in my first blog entry to Mark to put up on the website, but I'm not quite sure when he'll update the site and get them going. Probably soon. Anyway, here's a link to the blogs page: EBC student bloggers in case that doesn't work out, basically if you go to eternitybiblecollege.com, and click on the "future students" link on the left-hand side, then click on the "student bloggers" link on the left hand side of that page, you should arrive at the same place.

So, I don't know how often I'll be updating this blog. Feel free to keep up with my EBC blog! I'm excited to be apart of such a neat project. :)

So here's all of us, starting with me from right to left: Josh, Alise, Brad, Scott and Torri.
Alise, Torri, Scott and I are all mimicking our friend Gerry and his mannerisms
this one was just for fun: our evolution impression ;)
soccer team picture, anyone?
I'm stuck in a hedge!!

Love: How To Really Love Other People

2009-09-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

That's the title of my favorite chapter in Donald Miller's book Blue Like Jazz. I'm sure everyone and their dog has heard of this book, but bare with me, because today has suddenly become an ok day after I re-read this chapter, and I want to share this goodness with you.
I've been feeling in a bit of a daze since I've been in California. I don't really know how to explain it other than to say in a daze. I know I've used the example of being in a fog before, but it wasn't even like that. I just kind of felt like I'm trying to figure out how I "fit" here, and how I'm liked or whatever here (I hate that I even spend so much time on how I'm liked, but it's more like trying to figure out who actually likes me for who I am and not caving under the pressure to be whatever I think would be more likable).
I feel like in the midst of everything I've been trying to figure out and adjust to in being here, I've forgotten who I am and what the calling on my life has and always will be, no matter what environment/culture/people I find myself in. I am to love God, and love others. I feel like this truth has just been kind of stifled in my life since I came here to California. I don't really know why, it just kind of has. I guess I've been so caught up in trying to figure out how I fit, that I've forgotten what the main point actually is. It's not about me. It's about loving God and loving others.
I can't say I owe this entirely to my re-reading of Blue Like Jazz, because for one, I specifically looked up the chapter on love because I knew I needed to be reminded of something. I can recognize that all of this central-focused attitude has left me feeling inferior, unlikable, and pretty dumb. I also recognize that if I can switch up my focus from why I am not receiving the affirmation I am seeking from people here, and instead focus everything on my affirmation coming from Christ, then pouring out that fullness of His love to all around me regardless of how I am treated or seen, I will see myself and others as Christ sees us all.
Here's a snipet of the chapter that I love so much:
"Mr. Spencer [a professor at Westmont] then asked us about another area in which he felt metaphors cause trouble. He asked us to consider relationships. What metaphors do we use when we think of relationships? We value people, I shouted out. We invest in people, another person added. And soon enough we had listed an entire white board of economic metaphor. Relationships could be bankrupt, we said. People are priceless, we said. All economic metaphor. I was taken aback.
"And that's when it hit me like so much epiphany getting dislodged from my arteries. The problem with Christian culture is we think of love as a commodity. We use it like money. . . I could see it very clearly. If somebody is doing something for us, offering us something, be it gifts, time, popularity, or what have you, we feel they have value, we feel they are worth something to us, and, perhaps, we feel they are priceless. . . I used love like money, but love doesn't work like money. It is not a commodity. When we barter with it, we all lose. When the church does not love its enemies, it fuels their rage. It makes them hate us more.
". . . I replaced economic metaphor, in my mind, with something different, a free gift metaphor or a magnet metaphor. That is, instead of withholding love to change somebody, I poured it on, lavishly. I hoped that love would work like a magnet, pulling people away from the mire and toward healing. I knew this was the way God loved me. God had never withheld love to teach me a lesson. "
I want to love in such a way that I recognize it as needing to be lavished upon everyone. I want it to just pour out of every area of my life, and I never want to withhold love because I think someone needs to "learn something" from it. That's not my job, and it never will be. I hope this never becomes lost in the daze again. I pray it won't.

My Supply

2009-08-18T09:58:00.000-07:00

I'm finally in my new home in Simi Valley, CA. In my two-bedroom apartment, where, in the next couple of weeks, there will be four of us girls sharing this space. Sarah and I are here, and are sharing a room, and I already love her (don't say that's typical, ha ha). Our bedroom finally looks like a bedroom, as of about yesterday (we've been here three full days), but the rest of our apartment looks pretty barren. Our living room just has empty boxes and random objects that are hoping to sit on a bookshelf in the near future. . . paintings, school supplies, a vacuum, my $15 chair from the UGM store. . . aside from those things, it's pretty barren. Our kitchen has no fridge. I bought a $3 styrofoam ice box to keep frozen vegetables in, to cook with our ramen noodles for the time being. Sarah and I are so thankful because yesterday we found a fridge off of craigslist that the guy sold us for $150, and will be moving into our apartment today. $150 between the four of us comes to about $38.50 a piece! Amazing.

Since being here, I've been realizing how much it actually costs to live in your own place. Aside from rent (which is not easy even with the four of us, as this is southern california), there's water, gas, electric, wi-fi (which we are actually still debating purchasing), gas money, grocery money, any possibility for saving money. . .ugh. Aside from monthly expenses, the idea of actually furnishing our apartment feels overwhelming. Other EBC kids are constantly telling me about great furniture finds for free on curbs or in dumpsters, and so far, I just haven't seen anything. We are going to try hitting up some garage sales this weekend and some thrift stores, but it can still feel discouraged when I realize I need to pay for these things and I'm going job hunting during an economic recession.

I have this great little box of cards on my nightstand next to my bed that I got in the Philippines that says "God's Promises", and is full of these amazing and encouraging verses that remind me of God's Truth. I was thinking, once again, about how in the world I'm going to get a job and praying that I would completely trust in God's faithfulness and that He provides when His timing is best. I decided to sift through some of my Promise cards, as I like to do when I just need a little reminder of His Truth. Amazingly, this card was on the top of the pile when I opened the lid:

"My God in turn will supply your needs fully, in a way worthy of His magnificent riches in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:19

What a wonderful truth that I needed to be reminded of! He will supply my needs fully. Not my definition of fully, either, but the one that He actually knows I need. And the fullness of His riches, which are not of this world, but are far greater!!

As I am getting ready to go out job hunting this morning, I'm keeping that verse in my prayer throughout my day. I can trust in the truth that He will provide for me. Whether that means I get a job soon, or in a few months. . . no matter what turns up, I know that He will provide my needs fully.

Across the Nations

2009-08-06T12:56:00.000-07:00

I was just talking to a friend of mine in the Philippines on facebook chat, and reading a message from my ñaña (Quichua for sister; she's not really my sister, but we call each other ñaña, hee hee) in Ecuador, and I was thinking of just how incredible it is to be connecting to so many people across so many nations. Kuya Erwin was telling me how proud he was of me for choosing to attend Eternity Bible School, and congratulating me on my acceptance, and asked to pray over me and I just couldn't help but think of Paul's prayer for the church in Ephesians 1:16-19:

"I ask - ask the God of our Master, Jesus Christ, the God of glory - to make you intelligent and discerning in knowing Him personally, your eyes focused and clear, so that you can see exactly what it is that He is calling you to do, grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh, the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him- endless energy, boundless strength!"

This has been a favorite of mine to pray over friends, and I couldn't help but feel humbled in realizing that Kuya's prayer for me was emanating that very prayer that Paul had, and that I love to pray over those who mean so much to me. To think, that I've only actually been around Kuya Erwin and Ate Rita in person for about a week and half, that Ivonne, my ñaña, and I only lived together for 2 and a half months, and yet I feel that I have this great connection and fellowship with them, as a family who are connected so strongly because of our shared love for Christ. It's incredible!!! It's humbling and awe-inspiring and a source of indescribable joy all at the same time. I just think of that song "How He loves us" which is just a constant repetition of that one phrase throughout the whole song. I am so amazed, constantly, about how He loves us. It's so surprising, refreshing, exhilarating and engaging every day!

That passage in Ephesians, especially the part "grasp the immensity of this glorious way of life He has for Christians; oh the utter extravagance of His work in us who trust in Him" I just feel a whole new wave of complete agreement with that statement within me. What a glorious way of life!! To have a glimpse of the extravagance of His work in us!! It's amazing.

This may be just a bunch of rambling that doesn't entirely connect, but I guess I don't entirely care. I am amazed by how God can create such strong connections between people who barely see each other, all because of the unifying love of Christ.

Refreshing

2009-06-11T23:36:00.000-07:00

You know what is so beautifully refreshing? When someone believes in you. More specifically, when someone reminds you of the evidence of Jesus you carry. Being a glimpse of Jesus. Exuding the Spirit. Aaah, I love it. It's my ultimate hope and goal: to give people I come in contact with in life a glimpse of Jesus, hoping that leads to more. It's wonderful and gives my stomach a flutter when someone affirms that just that can be seen in me. Love it!

I also love getting letters in the mail. Like, handwritten letters. Or invitations to something. With a handwritten address on the envelope. I don't especially like printed out letters. I LOVE getting mail where I can see someone's handwriting, even if it's chicken scratch. It's from the heart, which is what counts in my book. Lately I've received a handful of letters just like that and it seriously brings me more joy than I should probably get from receiving a letter. Just the idea that someone is thinking of me and took the time to write to me, gives me the warm fuzzies. Maybe it's pathetic, but I refuse to see it as that.

I've been feeling pretty. . . light lately. I like the word "light", because I've felt this weight and burden that I've forced myself to carry throughout most of the year and I'm learning what to pick up and what to refuse to carry. It's great. I'm still re-learning a lot of things, and sometimes I get really irritated with my pace, but at the same time. . . I'm moving. And that's what matters. yay, God! :) (that sounds like such an elementary-schooler statement, and I'm not even going to take it back).

Confidence

2009-05-31T18:53:00.000-07:00

You know what? One of the biggest things I think I have been learning throughout this year has been where my confidence lies. I tend to give it away to whoever appears to deserve that kind of "ruling" over me. And unfortunately for my little heart, I gave that ability to either boost or smother my confidence over to someone who didn't deserve that privilege. And it hurt. As much of an understatement as it is, that's the best way I'm going to put it. It hurt.

I have learned so many things throughout this year, and I'm still learning so many, and I probably won't fully understand about 80% of these things while I'm alive, but that doesn't mean the discovery process isn't worth while. One of the biggies for me has been my confidence. I've always said my confidence is in Christ, but the unstable part of my past that seeks so much of my approval from the people around me begs to differ far too often. And that can be good to seek encouragement from people who can reinforce what He has created and instilled in me, but at the same time, there can be a lot of pain if I place that delicate privilege in the wrong hands.

I spent a good portion of this year in tears feeling and knowing that there were people who thought the worst of me, who made assumptions about me and had a misconstrued view of who I am or what my intentions have been in life. I let that judgement have worth for far too long. Only recently have I finally been able to say "my confidence does not come from these people. My confidence must always come from Christ". Because there is always going to be someone who thinks ill of me. I consider myself to be a really outgoing and likable person, but that doesn't mean everyone does. But at the end of the day, the only one who has authority to truly speak into me has to be the Holy One who created me. I can't give that privilege away to just anyone.

I had a pretty rough day today. I cried a lot. But in retrospect, I wasn't as torn down as I have been in similar situations I had to wade through earlier on in the year. I received a text from someone I love and value so very much that read "remember that you are valuable and beautiful in God's eyes and so many others', like mine. Love you". And that was just what I needed to have my "ah-ha!" moment. He loves me. He has surrounded me with a support circle of others who love me. And that's all I need. Throughout the rough meeting I had today, when I felt like I was once again being wrongly accused and blamed, instead of going into argument mode, inside my head I kept saying:

You are so loved. You are so loved.

And the rest didn't matter. I wasn't in control of anything else but my own response. And even though I didn't get the response I fully hoped for, I feel confident in knowing I did the best that I could within my power to make peace. The rest, doesn't matter. There is no one else who has the power to influence my confidence aside from Christ Himself, unless I give them that power. I'm going to be darn picky as to who I give that kind of power to. This I know: I am so loved. That is my confidence.

Welcome to the Fallout

2009-05-18T20:06:00.001-07:00

I feel drained. I feel exhausted. I feel. . . done. Like I could curl up into a ball and just hibernate for a few years. I'm ready to call it quits on life. I'm done.

I've been trying for so many months to learn how to balance and stay on my feet again, and it's been a rough learning process. And I've had so much incredible support and encouragement and love along the way, and at the same time, I've had the exact opposite force driving me down just as hard. And often times, it's coming from a source that should be lifting me up and helping me figure out how to walk again.

I'm tired of feeling like instead of being poured into, I'm being dried out. I'm tired of being told that there is a lack of maturity, and at the same time saying that it's understandable because of my age. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm another textbook kid who has to admit where they screwed up and admit that I'm a bad person, apologize for something I don't even believe I did, and move on from that.

I don't know how to get up again. I keep listening to the song Savior King by Hillsong united, and the line that's my headline, I want it to be true for me. But right now it's just not.

"and now the weak say I have strength"

I don't really believe that right now. I feel defeated. And very, very weak.

And I don't like to sound whinny but. . . I have had a really rough day today especially and just feel like I'm ready to pick a completely different direction in life because the one I'm in right now hurts like hell

SexGod

2009-04-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

Think it's an awkward book title? Try reading it in a coffee shop realizing the person sitting two tables away from you just can't stop staring at the front of your book. . . .

Aside from the title being something that completely catches you off guard, I am already loving this book. It's by Rob Bell, and I highly recommend it. I've never really been a big fan of christian abstinence books. They all pretty much say the same thing: wait until you're married to have sex because that is the way it's supposed to be. And any teenager who's got hormones feels like a sinner for even thinking of asking why? The subject is kind of taboo. Nobody wants to talk about it. Just. . . don't do it.

But. . . why?

The reason I love SexGod is because Rob Bell really addresses the why behind the wait. Or as he frequently writes throughout his book, "this is really about that." His subtitle is Exploring the endless connection between sexuality and spirituality. Because this is really about that.

Here's a great passage:

There's Something Else Going on Here

There's a passage in the book of Ephesians where it's written, "Those who have been stealing must steal no longer. [Ephesians 4:28]".

Which is quite straightforward - don't steal. But the passage doesn't end there. It continues: "but must work, doing something useful with their own hands."

But it doesn't end there. It ends with: "that they may have something to share with those in need."

On first read, the instructions seem as basic as it gets. But there is much going on here just below the surface.

First, the command doesn't stop with the "don't" part. The writer understands that that kind of instruction rarely helps. When we're told not to do something, how often are we truly compelled not to do it, especially if we enjoy it? If it's just me against the lust, the odds are always against me.

But there's something else going on here.

Stealing involves large amounts of adrenaline. The rush of planning, pulling it off, not getting caught, getting something for nothing. And then there's the expectation of next time. If we got something this significant for free, could we steal something even more valuable? What if we raised the stakes, hit a store with a better security system, tested ourselves? Stealing involves the senses, the intellect, a person's fear threshold. It even has a powerful social dynamic. Stealing with someone creates a powerful bond between people. When our adrenaline is pumping, that's a physiological phenomenon. It feels good because things are happening with the chemicals in our bodies, with our nerves and brain and bloodstream. If we do that enough, our bodies get used to it.

We could use the word addicted. A person gets addicted to it.

if you tell the person who's stealing not to, and you leave it at that, you've taken something away, but you haven't replaced it with anything. That's why the instructions in Ephesians are so brilliant. The urging to stop stealing is followed by the command to have the person do "something useful with their own hands." The word useful is the Greek word agathos, which is also translated "good" and "benevolent".

Why does the writer mention the hands?

Because you steal with your hands. Stealing is a sensory experience, an adrenaline rush involving the hands. The command is to replace one adrenaline rush with another, a better one, one that's good. But it doesn't stop there. The command ends with the person who was stealing learning to do something good with their hands so that they can take care of the needs of someone else. Stealing is about taking from someone. This passage is about giving to someone who has less because you have more.

This passage is about something central to what it means to be human: it's about desire. It's about the thief finding something they'll desire more than stealing.

"You thought taking things for free was a rush? Try giving free food to someone who's starving."

Whatever it is that has its hooks in you, you will never be free from it until you find something you want more. It's not about getting rid of desire. It's about giving ourselves to bigger and better and more powerful desires.

What are you channeling your energies into?

Because they will go somewhere.

Maybe it's as simple as asking God to show it to you, to give it to you, to make you aware of it.

What is it you've given your life to?

Life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. It's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world.

What do you want more?

Moving. . .?

2009-03-31T12:09:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking how a good majority of my closest and best friends don't live here anymore. Kristin got married and now lives in Tennessee. And I would say she's the furthest away, but Ivonne lives in Ecuador and I consider her to be one of my best friends. Andrea has lived in Canada all our lives, so that's nothing new, but since we finally got to see each other outside of the summer vacation atmosphere, I'm more aware of how much we really don't see each other. Molly's been at George Fox, Leah's there as well, Tifani's in Colorado, and even though I have a ton of Monmouth and Eugene friends that are just a car drive away, if you don't have gas money, that car drive might as well be another continent. My Salem friends that I'm closest with are usually super busy or just on different schedules, so getting together is hard to do. I don't want this to sound like a pity party entry (although it already does), but I was just thinking about that and realizing I may very well be finding myself completely uprooting once again and vulnerably moving into a brand new area, culture, and lifestyle.

Ok, so it's not a completely different country this time, but it is Southern California, which is the place I never ever thought I would end up, let alone want to be living there. I'm sure most of you know that I've been thinking about attending Eternity Bible College for some time now. Well, it's spring term now at Chemeketa and we're heading into summer in just over 10 weeks, and EBC starts classes in late August. And I have some BIG decisions to make. I have never before had to actually choose where I wanted to go to school. Even with Chemeketa I began classes because it was the next step that made sense. . . . Salem's community college, until I figure out what's next. Now I'm starting to think through and pray through what's next. And to be honest. . .

I am terrified.

I am so afraid of what will come if I choose to take the huge faith step and move down to Simi Valley, CA to attend EBC. And it's not just a I'm-nervous-I-won't-make-friends kind of a fear; this is something that unfortunately was instilled in me after my last experience where I made a huge prayer-led decision, and it didn't work out. I think 'didn't work out' is putting it nicely; to me, it felt like everything came crashing down in an instant and I was left empty and confused.

I'm so thankful because I know that this healing process has been taking baby steps which is exactly the way it should be, and I am growing and healing and learning and experiencing and discovering and processing and. . . loving learning what it means when the heart waits. And I am sooo thankful! But I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about EBC that goes "don't you remember what happened last time?"

Right now I'm listening to Hillsong United's "Savior King". My headline actually comes from this song. I love it so much:

and now the weak say "I have strength"

By the Spirit of Power that raised Christ from the dead

I can put out an obvious statement and say I feel weak. But I'm setting aside a month to really dive into praying through some choices I need to be making about college, and where I will (theoretically) be spending the next four years of my life. And I have to remember I can only make choices based upon what I have in front of me right now. I can't see far ahead of me, and I'm not expected to. I'm asked to trust. And I can try. I can trust that there is so much more. . .

I am not a failure.

That was not a failure.

Thanks for reading all the way through this, friends.

Youtube generation

2009-03-18T13:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like we're becoming better friends with the internet and less with each other.

I mean, I really love that email and facebook allows me to keep up with my friends that live outside of the states that I can't just call up and talk to (long distance calls to Ecuador are about $1 a minute. . . ouch), and it's fun to post pictures and stuff and browse through friends' photo albums. But I'm not entirely talking about facebook. It's part of it, but that's not what really is bugging me.

I've never really spent much time on youtube. If friends send me links to videos they think are funny, I'll watch them. I just have never really understood how to browse videos, and it makes me nervous thinking of searching youtube and having videos come up that I really don't want to watch.

However, yesterday while studying for finals I looked up some of my favorite youtube videos, and decided I'd follow some of the links on the sidebar to see if any of them were really as funny as they were supposed to be. Lots of hits and misses, really. I really hate to admit it but I think I spent over an hour looking at a bunch of these random videos people all over the world uploaded. One video in particular caught my attention, it's called How to Be English by some kid in the UK. It's really pretty funny.

The thing that struck me the most, however, was that this video was uploaded by someone who is a youtube video blogger: someone who frequently, every couple of weeks or so, uploads a video where they just talk about random stuff or make a funny spoof video. This specific video blogger had millions of views, hundreds of thousands of subscribers, and comments flowing in every couple of minutes.

I was surprised at how many people do this; video blogging. On youtube. Talking intimately as if you were having a conversation with your best friend, but it's with a webcam that will be viewed by thousands of strangers who feel like they know you personally. Am I the only person who feels weird about this? I just don't like the idea that my generation is spending more time connecting with an internet personality such as baseballfan108, rather than calling up a friend and going out to coffee to really connect.

Our relationships are becoming more and more impersonal and we're ok with that. We like that. It doesn't involve vulnerability. You don't have to really share what's going on in your heart. Really, you can be whatever you want to be and feel accepted. Since when did feeling accepted matter more than truly being loved?

I don't know if I'm properly writing out what I'm trying to say. I just don't like how impersonal we've become, and it makes me nervous how much this trend could continue with future generations. There's youtube vloggers who are only 12 and 13 years old even! I just wish there was more emphasis on fellowship and getting together with friends for a game night, rather than sitting in front of the computer screen all evening and rating your favorite youtubers newest video.

Makes me wonder

2009-03-14T12:18:00.000-07:00

I went to see Brett Dennen in concert last night at the Crystal Ballroom in Portland. He is by far my favorite secular artist. He's a folk artist, and his lyrics are so centralized around love and diversity and beauty and hope. . . pretty hippie, right? But I was actually thinking, while he was talking in between sets, where such an idea, a message, really stems from. He was speaking the audience how many of us knew that love is the only thing that conquers all, even hate. He asked if people believed that the best gift you could ever give someone is forgiveness. He asked if you believed that the best gift you could give yourself was forgiveness. And while he was saying that, I couldn't help but think that such a message stems from Jesus' very similar words in His ministry. I have no idea what Brett Dennen's spiritual beliefs are, but I wonder, for those who believe so whole-heartedly in a message of love and forgiveness, do they recognize where that Truth really comes from? How much would people's minds change about Jesus if they knew that what they so desperately seek to find within themselves and other people, is exactly what Christ offers us, and so much more? It upsets me to think that religion clouds those truths that are the core of what everyone desperately seeks and desires. People know that's what they need; do they know where they will receive it fully, experience it fully, live it completely? It makes me wonder. . . . and hope.

Other than that thought, I wanted to share one of his songs that I really enjoy. All of his music, I feel, spreads a great message. This is one of those that I really enjoy:

When I heard the news, my heart fell on the floor

I was on a plane on my way to Baltimore

In these troubled times it's hard enough, as it is

My soul's known a better life than this

I wondered how so many, could be in so much pain,

While others don't seem to feel a thing?

Then I cursed my whiteness and I get so damn depressed

In a world of suffering, why should I be so blessed?

I heard about a woman who lives in Colorado

She built a monument of salt behind a garage door

where everyday she prays for all whom are born

and all who's souls will pass on

Sometimes my trouble gets so thick

I can't see how I'm gonna get through it

But then I would rather be stuck up in a tree

Than be tied to it

I know

There is so much more

I don't feel comfortable with the way that my clothes fit

I can't get used to my body's limits

I got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues

they cost a lot of money but, they aren't worth a thing

I want to free my feet from the broken glass and concrete

I need to get out of this city

Lay upon the ground stare a hole in the sky

Wondering when I'll go when I die

when I die

[There is So Much More]

listen to it if you want. :)

healing music

2009-03-05T20:30:00.001-08:00

Lately (and by lately I mean the past few months) I've felt myself desperately seeking reassurance that I am loved. I crave the reminder of God's truth and the passion He has for me, and it feels like a continuous uphill battle fighting against the lies of the enemy. I guess to describe my heart these past few months, I would use words like "weak, frail, mending, healing. . . ." I'm basically feeling worn out. And many times find myself on the point of giving in and just trying to settle for believing I'm at least tolerated. And then I feel pathetic. And the emotional, mental and spiritual self-destruction goes on. It hurts. And I can't be frustrated with myself, when the enemy really knows what he's doing. I just have to take baby steps in remembering His love.

Lately I've been getting back into Coldplay much more. They are by far one of my favorite bands. Beautiful music. And one day when my heart was feeling especially heavy, I heard their song Warning Signs:

[Come on in,

I've got to tell you what a state I'm in.

I've got to tell you in my loudest tones

That I started looking for a warning sign

When the truth is:

I miss you.

Yeah, the truth is

that I miss you so.

And I'm tired. . . .

. . . so I crawl back into your open arms.

Yes I crawl back into your open arms. ] - Warning Signs

I was listening to it with a friend and had to turn my head, because I had started crying quietly, and of course it's embarrassing to cry listening to a song. But it was sooo what my heart was feeling, and feels often. I miss Him. I miss Truth. I miss constant reminders of Love. It was a start, and a reminder. Abba's arms are so much more than open, and I can RUN into them! Some other songs that stir my soul, are "See You Soon" and "A Message". Here are some of the lyrics from each song:

[So you lost your trust,

And you never should have

no, you never should have. . . .

. . . you lost your trust, oh

you lost your trust, I know.

Don't lose your trust, no.

Don't lose your trust.] - See You Soon

Obviously, this is a very small section of the song, but I just love the repetition of the understanding that sometimes you lose trust, but I have to remember who I'm putting my trust in and why it's worth it in His hands.

[My song is love

Love to the lonely song

And it goes on

You don't have to be alone.

Your heavy heart

is made of stone

And it's so hard to see clearly

you don't have to be on your own.

You don't have to be on your own.

And I'm not gonna take it back

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

Gotta get that message home.

My song is love.

My song is love I know

And I'm on fire for you, clearly

you don't have to be alone

You don't have to be on your own.

And I'm not gonna take it back.

And I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that'

You're the target that I'm aiming at

And I'm nothing on my own.

Got to get that message home.

And I'm not gonna stand and wait

Not gonna leave it til it's much too late

On a platform I'm gonna stand and say

That I'm nothing on my own.

And I love you please come home!

My song is love, is love

And I've got to get that message home.]

So much of this song reminds me of the persistency of God in ransoming our hearts. He does NOT give up, and He does NOT take any of it back. I especially love the chorus line: "And I'm not gonna take it back, and I'm not gonna say 'I don't mean that', you're the target that I'm aiming at, gotta get that message home."

It's nice to know that I just need to look and listen around me to be reminded of God's love, He always meets me right where I'm at and is more than happy to remind me of how much He delights in me [Psalm 41:11].

Blessings

2009-02-23T20:14:00.000-08:00

My friend Andrea called me yesterday while I was at church and left a message on my facebook telling me she was driving through Oregon on her way back to B.C. from Cali, and was wondering if I had time to hang out and if her and her two roommates could crash at our house for a little while before continuing on the drive home. To say I was excited is a total understatement. Andrea and I have been friends since I was about 9 and she was 10; we met on our boats in Desolation Sound, Brittish Columbia. Her family is from Calgary, Alberta but would also go to Desolation Sound for the summers. We met in the summer of '99 and hung out almost all summer, and before we returned home, my mom suggested we consider becoming pen pals. So we did. We wrote to each other at least once every two weeks for YEARS. It's actually incredible just how long we've kept up being pen pals; we still write to each other! We've been trying to figure out a time and place to get together since Andi's been at school in Vancouver, B.C. studying youth ministry but hadn't been able to make it work. We hadn't seen each other for almost 5 years. So this was a long overdue reunion. My favorite part about it all is just how much of a surprise it was for me!!

It was as if we had just seen each other the week before when she got to our house Sunday night. We went through my box of letters that had all of her letters she'd written to me, dating all the way back to 1999, and were cracking up for hours just reading what Andrea wrote as a 10, 11 and 12 year old. We found a picture of us from when we were probably 13 and 14, the last time we saw each other, and commented on how both of us were so much skinnier back then.(I put the picture up here, along with one we decided to recreate before she left). We stayed up late reminding each other of some of the greatest memories we had from our summers hanging out together; there were sooo many great memories!! I just kept thinking what an incredible blessing it was to have this friend in my life, and how great it has been to have such a phenomenal sister to go through the years with, even if not in person together. We went to the Gov Cup monday while her roommates went to do some "American" shopping at stores like Nordstrom and Bath and Body Works, and just talked about anything and everything for hours. We talked about homeless ministries, missions ministries, youth ministries, (lots of ministries, now that I'm writing it out), relationships. . . so much!! After the rain died down, we went to Riverfront and walked around awhile, then rode the Carousel. We also checked out some of the stores that aren't in Canada before reuniting with her roommates so they could continue the drive home.

I just think this was the most incredible blessing for me to see Andrea so unexpectedly, especially with how hard of a time I was having missing everyone in Ecuador just days ago. I was thinking while we were going to sleep Sunday night, just how blessed I was to have the friendship that I do with Andrea. She and I are soo alike, it astounds me!! I love her so much, and still can't believe she was just here hours ago after having not seen each other for so many years.

my missing

2009-02-20T21:59:00.000-08:00

I really miss my friends and family in Ecuador right now. Just today has felt like this overwhelming wave of hurt and loss.

This just really sucks right now.

I know I've put up these lyrics before, but I need to see them again.

You should see the stars tonight

How they shimmer, shine so bright

Against the black they look so white

Coming down from such a height

To reach me now

You reach me now

You should see the moon in flight

Cutting cross a mystic night

Softly dancing in sunshine

Reflections of His light

Reach me now

You reach me now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me?

And make everything

Beautiful again

You should feel the sun in spring

Coming out after a rain

Suddenly all is green

Sunshine on everything

I can feel it now

I feel You now

And how could such a thing

Shine it's light on me?

and make everything

Beautiful, and you should hear the angels sing

All gathered round their King

More beautiful than you could dream

And then quietly listening

You can hear 'em now

I hear 'em now

And how could such a King

Shine His light on me?

And make everything

Beautiful

and I wanna shine

I wanna be a light

I wanna tell you it'll be alright

And I wanna shine

I wanna fly

just to tell you know it'll be alright

it'll be alright

Cause I've got nothing of my own to give to you

But this Light that shines on me, shines on you

And makes everything

Beautiful

Again.

It'll be alright

It'll be alright.

-David Crowder "Stars"

One Year.

2009-02-03T21:26:00.001-08:00

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing." - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed.

In C.S. Lewis' a grief observed, he writes through his dealings with the death of his wife Helen, of whom he only refers to as "H" throughout the book, I'm assuming because even writing the name of his passed wife rips open the wound each time.

It's been one whole year since Jared Nagel died. And today feels like the weirdest day. Yesterday was the actual year mark, but today feels even more off than yesterday did to me. I feel like I'm in a weird rut. . . and I can't talk my way out of it, or explain why I'm feeling the way I am. . .

I remember my family was watching the movie King of California when I got a call from my friend Jessica. Being as she isn't even in Oregon anymore, I was so excited to see that I was getting a call from her. I went in to my room, and answered excitedly. She wasn't anywhere near as enthusiastic, and I asked what was going on.

"Jared had an accident. . . " I knew Jared to be a crazy kid, so his having an accident wasn't exactly shocking news. I thought it was just like any of the other times before. Not that I ever got calls about them, though. I asked if he was alright.

"He's dead, Ali."

I sat in my room for about 20 minutes just staring at my wall. Not thinking. Just sitting. Staring. I went into the living room, and I looked at Chaz sitting on the couch. I tried to tell him that Jared had died, but before I could even get the sentence out, the tears finally came. I was bawling and couldn't stop. I called my friend Kristin and asked if I could stay the night at her house. I didn't want to be alone, and for some odd reason, I didn't really want to be in my house either. I cried most of the night and couldn't sleep the rest of it.

Now the strangest thing in the midst of all of this, is that something inside of me always makes me feel guilty for grieving. Guilty. There's something in me that always feels like a phony; I wasn't his best friend, I wasn't as close to him as, say, Chaz or Paige or Lucas or Beth or Jessica. . . they surely have a right to be torn-up about this. I don't. But that doesn't make it go away. If anything, this false-conviction leaves me even more tangled trying to deal with grief and a twisted feeling of being unworthy to be so upset from losing Jared. I still confuse myself. I feel like I'm in that place again, with it being a whole year since Jared has died. I feel the sadness and the emptiness. And I also feel like this is somehow not ok for me to feel this way. That the people who should be feeling this way are his family and his best friends. Not me. Why does the enemy always have to torment me?!

Next Fall

2009-01-25T16:51:00.001-08:00

So, this school has been one I've looked into and thought about off and on for the past couple of years, but it has been weighing heavily on my heart for a couple of weeks now. As in, seriously considering the possibility of attending the school in the Fall of 2009. To save you from the exhausting list of my personal questions and thoughts about actually attending Eternity Bible College, I'll just post the link to their website. Look around a bit. . . read some of what they have to say about the program. . . watch Francis Chan's video about his heart for what the school should be like. . . and I would love to hear your feedback.

I have my moments where I just think "man, I really, really feel like this school sounds like my place. My niche." but then I have my moments where I go through my list of "what ifs. . ." and I begin to think maybe it's not so much the place for me. But the majority of the time, I look at it and go "I feel like I would love it here."

Tell me some of your thoughts! :)

Eternity Bible College in Simi Valley, CA

Desire

2009-01-14T14:02:00.000-08:00

I finally got my birthday package today. As most of you know, I came home from Macas a week before my birthday, and unfortunately friends and family had already sent down birthday packages for me, so they arrived after I was already back in the states. Months later, I finally got my package! There were socks (mom. . .?), the I Heart Revolution CD (YESSSS!!!!), Paint sets, a crap load of chocolate (I'm not even kidding. . . three ghirardelli raspberry chocolate bars, a bag of Indiana Jones M&Ms, and two huge bags of ghirardelli squares. . . if anybody wants some, please, give me a call), a journal, a book on prayer life, and many many cards. Birthday cards that said how much I was loved, missed, and how proud people were of me. As much as these were meant to be read while I was in Ecuador and reminded of the joy friends and family take in sharing the journey with me, reading them now was. . . depressing, really. I feel bad about my meoldramatic attitude lately (I'm sooo sorry, I'm sure this is getting to the point of annoying by now. It's just not that easy, friends.) but I couldn't help but think, just a few months ago I was loving on people and building relationships and my prayer life and heart was in such a different place. Now. . . well, I feel really apathetic and I'm in classes at school just for the sake of giving myself something to do, and part of me can't help but form the words "failure" and "inferior" in my mind. Constantly. It hurts.

Then I found this poem that Tifani sent me. For those of you who have never read George MacDonald's work, start with his "Diary of an Old Soul". My word, he has a gift! This poem is a favorite of mine, and has especially penetrating words for my heart right now:

When I can no more stir my soul to move,

And life is but the ashes of a fire;

When I can but remember that my heart

Once used to live and love, long and aspire -

Oh, be Thou then the first, the one Thou art,

Be Thou the calling, before all answering love,

And in me wake hope, fear, boundless desire.

How real this poem feels to me now is . . . indescribable. LORD, I crave desire more than anything right now. Desire to begin the long, draining process of peace and healing and rest. I am sooo uncomfortable with waiting and I know that right now is where God wants me to be, but I can't help but feel incompetent and pathetic. I hear those lies and I look at my surroundings and go "how can that not be true?" I crave desire to be awaken in my heart and in my spirit once again. I need Truth and I can't really "stir my soul to move" by my own power. LORD knows I've tried. I need Him more than ever.

When the Heart Waits

2008-12-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

"That's the sacred intent of life, of God - to move us continuously toward growth, toward recovering all that is lost and orphaned within us, and restoring the divine image imprinted on our soul. And rarely do significant shifts come without a sense of our being lost in dark woods. . ."

- [Sue Monk Kidd, When The Heart Waits]

The way I tend to describe how I'm feeling, is comparing it to being in the middle of a fog. When there's fog, you can't see very far in front of you, and it makes you feel anxious and sometimes a little panicky. And you know that eventually the fog will lift, but for the time being, your stuck in a fog and it's disorienting and confusing. And being stuck in a fog, well, it sucks. And it's not as simple as waving your hands and it all dissolves away. I wish it was.

"[my husband] wanted me to 'snap out of it'. I did too, of course. I had ordered myself to do just that numerous times. But it was sort of like looking at an encroaching wave and telling it to recede. Demanding didn't make it happen."

When I read that last paragraph in Kidd's book, I felt like I was reading something that could have come out of my own journal. I have tried so many times to just "snap out of it." I've had people tell me to just move on. I've told myself to just move on. I've told myself to let go. Sooo many times. But it has yet to really make anything happen. I feel like there are a lot of people around me who have expected me to move on by now. And are disappointed that I haven't. And I really don't know what to tell them. It's not that easy. Healing and resting and waiting on God. . . isn't the process I thought it would be. And that's ok.

Yesterday I called my friend Isaac from Macas. He's the one who runs the orphanage. He told me he's returning to Riobamba in January. And I talked with him some about my coming home, and what that's been like. I didn't have a chance to even say goodbye to him or the kids, along with many other friends, so we haven't talked for some months. He had many encouraging and affirming things to say, including the importance of laying down my anxieties and thoughts at the foot of the Throne. He says returning to Riobamba isn't exactly something he would like to do; it's hard to pick up and move all the kids and to leave Macas, what with all the gossip surrounding why he's leaving, according to everyone else. But in reality, he needs to surrender it all to the LORD, because God has called him back to Riobamba. I don't know if I did justice to just how encouraging this conversation was to me, but it meant a lot. Isaac was someone I got to know very well in Macas, and was one of maybe four people I could talk with in english. I loved getting to visit with him and the kids at the orphanage, and he always reminded me so much of my brothers. I think they would be great friends if they met. I know he has become a very great friend for me.

I miss my ñaña

2008-12-08T23:34:00.000-08:00

I really miss Ivonne lately. I always miss all of my friends and the people that I love so much from Ecuador. It's hard being away from all of them. But lately, it's been especially weighing on my heart how much I really love my sister and how much I miss her.

I called Ivonne tonight and this was what the first few minutes of our conversation were like:

me: "hooooola ñaña!!"

Ivonne: "Ali, where am I?"

me: "uh. . . . what?"

Ivonne: "guess where I am!"

Me: ". . . somewhere in Macas. . . "

Ivonne: "[laughing] But what can you hear"

me: [pause] Oh!! You're at the river!!"

Ivonne: [laughing again] yes!! "

Me: "Are you going swimming at 11 o clock at night?! Are you crazy?! I can't leave you alone for five minutes. . ."

Ivonne: "I know, I know. But don't worry, I'm not swimming. just on a walk with Fernando."

me: "ooooo, FerNANdo!"

Ivonne: "oh no, there's a huge truck going over the bridge and it's shaking! I think it's going to break!!"

Me: "WHAT?!"

Ivonne: "[laughing] just kidding!! Nothing's happening."

The rest of the phone call was pretty much the same: lot's of joking around and laughing sooo hard. And that was what things were like when we were together. We always could make each other laugh and smile, even when we were tired or unhappy or in tears. Well, during the moment of tears we'd hug and pray and then whoever wasn't crying would say something witty to make the other one laugh. :)

I think it's so great how Ivonne and I became instant friends. The very first night I was in Ecuador, when we were in Quito, we talked most of the night in our hotel room. Skipped the awkward and went straight to the we're-practically-gonna-be-sisters!! feeling. In the next couple of days, we went to see Batman together and went on my first ever ice skating excursion, went walking around Quito, talked forever and laughed until my stomach was hurting and Ivonne's eyes were watering. I asked her what some Quichua words were that I should learn, and she told me that "ñaña" means sister, and from that day on we always call each other ñaña.

I just miss her so much. I miss getting to pray together. I miss our mornings together reading in the Word and talking about what we thought. I miss her hugs and I miss her facial expressions.

I miss my ñaña. Phone calls can only do so much.

sleep. . .?

2008-12-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep lately. I don't really know why. But every night when I try to go to bed, I end up tossing and turning then trying to read a book and still am not able to fall asleep. I keep looking at the clock and getting frustrated at what time it is and the fact that everyone else in the house has been sleeping for hours, and I'm still awake. Ugh.

I don't want to take sleeping pills because I'm afraid of dependency, but I wonder if I tried for a week and see if things got any better. . .?

I'm tired of not getting to go to sleep. That's such an oxymoron.

Love is here

2008-11-21T12:15:00.000-08:00

Come to the water, you who thirst

and you'll thirst no more

Come to the Father, you who work

and you'll work no more

and all you who labor in vain

and to the broken and shamed

Love is here

love is now

love is pouring from His hands, from His brow

love is near

it satisfies

Streams of mercy flowing from His side

Cause love is here

Come to the treasure, you who search

and you'll search no more

Come to the Lover, you who want

and you'll want no more

And to the bruised and fallen

captives bound and broken hearted

He is the LORD

By His stripes He's paid our ransom

From His wounds we drink salvation

He is the LORD

Love is here.

When I got to visit Tifani in Colorado, she gave me the Tenth Avenue North CD, and this is the first song on the CD. I've listened to it constantly since then. And I'm continuing to be reminded just as whoever the guys that wrote this song were, that my God is here. His love is here. Not it's coming, or hang in there for just another sec, you've got to wait it out a little longer. His love remains.

I am being held and I am being healed. I can feel it and see it all around me. That's not to say that it doesn't still hurt sometimes. But I can't let my desire for instant gratification affect my trust in the LORD. He is the Healer, and he has promised me this. So I put my trust in that, and I have to remember to hold onto that Truth.

"The LORD your God is with you, He is MIGHTY to save! He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." [Zephaniah 3:16-17]

And Josh, I think your words echo what so many others have been encouraging me and strengthening me with. But since you put it in writing, I hope it's ok if I put it here. It gives me so much strength. :)

"Ali, you've got to read some missionary bios, it will give you some great perspective. . . it's what I often do. The road you're on, most never make it. Those who do, have been broken and rebuilt to withstand the innumerable bumps and challenges along the way. I believe God's in the process now of making you into someone He can use in big ways around the world. We're not born that way and it doesn't only happen when we're 0-18. God is making someone He can use and He often uses many of the ingredients that are currently present in your life. If something like this knocks you off the path, you weren't going to make it very far anyways. If it doesn't. . . THEN. . . you're much closer to experiencing God's best for you than you were 2 short months ago, and you just might have what it takes. We're still figuring out if I have what it takes. . . this isn't coming from one who has it figured out. . . no. . . one who is figurING it out. You rock, Ali. Don't give up."

Thanks. I can't thank all of you enough, who have loved on me, encouraged me, urged me forward, and challenged me throughout my time here. Thanks for being used by Him to be a blessing to me. I love you all. :)

why

2008-11-12T12:38:00.000-08:00

Lately I just want to ask God why. I don't just want to ask, I want Him to really answer. Really. Because it feels pretty unfulfilling right now to hear someone say if I just have a desire to serve, He will send me. I had that desire, I have had that desire, and I'm home right now. Why did I even go just to be hurt in coming back? It's not even like I'm sad in coming home at the end of the year. . . I'm just wounded and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know what happens next, and I just feel like giving up.

Why?

Lost. . .

2008-11-03T22:24:00.000-08:00

I just bought the book "The Shack" today. I read about two chapters of it a few days ago when I was visiting my friend Leah, and today while I was at the airport and was sitting staring at the Powell's across the way, thought I might as well go on over and see if they have it in stock and if it's at a reasonable price. I kept thinking of the book since I read it. The fact that the main character is going through what he continues to describe as "the great sadness" sounds fairly close to what kinds of emotions I am struggling through right about now. So I found it at the Powell's in the airport, and it was reasonably priced and I purchased it. And I read it, the whole flight. There were a few parts that brought tears to my eyes, but the part that really struck me was here:

"Jesus?" he whispered as his voice choked. " I feel so lost."

A hand reached out and squeezed his, and didn't let go. "I know, Mack. But it's not true. I am with you and I'm not lost. I'm sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

A few short sentences that embody my thoughts and hurts, and a message that only Jesus truly can share: I'm with you and I'm not lost, therefore neither are you.

I may feel lost. . . but Jesus isn't lost.

"This I know: God delights in you!"

2008-10-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

"This I know: God delights in you! The enemy will not shout in triumph over you!" - Psalm 41:11

I feel like the past week has been the craziest of my entire life. It has been a tidal wave of different emotions. I have cried more and harder this past week than I think I may have cried in my entire life. And now that I'm home and sitting in my bedroom, it feels so surreal. It almost feels like I wasn't even gone. Like the past two and a half months never even happened; it was all just a dream.

I went from feeling completely broken, lost, abandoned and hopeless wednesday night to feeling at peace in my heart and trusting with all my might that this was what I was supposed to be doing to follow God's leading; it is well with my soul.

wednesday night, after the not so easy choice was layed out to me of either staying in Macas and following certain restrictions in my ministry or going home (for good), I had no idea which to choose. It was NOT that easy. And I cried out to God and asked Him how in the world could I make a choice, knowing either one did not involve the full measure of joy that Jesus wants me to have [John 17:13] in this life and especially relating to this ministry He has called me to. Either I stay in Macas and be held in chains by legalistic restrictions that immediately bring my mind to passages about the Pharisees in the Bible, or I choose to go home and murder my heart by having to leave the kids at the school, the families, my discipleship group girls. . . I didn't even know how to pray for discernment for such a decision. But I tried. I told God how much this hurt. How much I hated that this was the circumstance I had been put in. How I didn't understand how I could be expected to make a choice that day. And in all my time of prayer and crying, I did not hear God lead me to a choice. I heard Him say "ask for a week. Go home for a week." And as I continued to pray and think about actually going back for a week, I felt continual confirmation that this was what God was asking me to do in obedience.

And so, the next morning I called the mission organization and I asked. And before I asked, they spoke to me in a way I never thought such an organization would speak to a person. They talked to me about my age and lack of experience; they talked to me about my maturity level solely being based upon my age; they talked about my lack of commitment to the ministry. And in my tears that came, I begged that they would just let me have a week to be home with family and friends to clear my head and to pray and seek the LORD in all of this. I knew this to be wise, and they saw it as a cop out. And so they let me know that they would allow me to go home, but the decision was no longer mine whether or not I would be coming back at the end of the week. I would be getting a phone call later that week. It was a hot knife right in the heart. But even still, I had to be obedient to the only thing that I truly felt God's prompting towards in the situation. And so I accepted their terms in my leaving and bought my plane ticket for the next day.

And, to my enemy's delight, I started to believe them. That I had made a mistake. That I had messed up. That I had lost sight of the vision. That I was coping out. That I was immature and that my lack of experience obviously meant lack of wisdom. And I started to feel hollow. And I started to feel like a failure.

After the conversation with the mission organization, 10 of the girls from the third grade class came running into my room bawling. They swarmed me and hugged me and cried "Señorita Ali, no te vas! Por favor, no te vas! No nos dejas, Por favor!" Which, for those who need a translation, means don't leave. Please don't leave us. And I cried with them. Because it broke my heart, and I did NOT want to leave them. And my heart ached sitting in that room holding all of these little ones, my shirt wet with their tears.

But the LORD cannot be mocked. He does not leave His precious children to be held captive in chains and lies brought and placed by the enemy. Oh no. My God is MIGHTY to save. And all of those lies that I had started to believe, He tore down and instead showered me with His TRUTH in the next 24 hours before I left Macas. Even in that moment in the classroom that was so unbearable with all of the girls crying, God showed me just how much I was able to love on them in the short time I was there.

These girls had been planning a party for my birthday to be held on the actual day of my birth, but in learning about me leaving, their teacher encouraged them to move plans to that day (thursday). And so they went quickly to work with rearranging to prepare things for that afternoon. And at 4, they came into my room and told me to cover my eyes as they walked me outside to the cafeteria. I was expecting maybe the ten girls who planned the party and then a little cake (they had told me they bought one) and some soda, but what they actually did moved me to tears. When I opened my eyes, there were probably over 30 kids from all different grade levels in the cafeteria. And they had decorated it with streamers and balloons. And they had combined tables that was almost the whole length of the cafeteria, and it was COVERED with food, candy, sodas. . . and the most beautiful birthday cake I have ever had. And all of this the students had bought with their personal spending money. Edison told me he had never seen them attach so quickly to anyone the way they attached to me. And as they all shared about why they loved me, hugged and kissed me throughout the afternoon, I just felt such reassurance from God that yes, I had been used by Him to do great things in the lives of these kids, just as I had hoped.

And that evening I was invited over to a student's house for dinner where I had the most uplifting conversation with her mom. Her mom told me she wasn't really a big fan of mission organizations; they tend to put "God in a box" with rules and regulations, assuming He cannot work outside of this box and not giving Him the chance. She shared with me stories of some of her favorite missionaries that were disowned and disagreed with my mission organizations, but pursued with ruthless trust in God and overcame to do AMAZING work for the LORD without being under any organization. She said that although I may have been labeled a rebel by the organization, these people had been to. And they are considered some of the greatest servants of our Heavenly Father to this day in the mission world.

The next morning was by far, one of the greatest ways that God spoke to me and comforted me through His people. The girls in my discipleship group I started had quickly pulled together a surprise party for me at Janeth and Andres' house, one of my favorite couples in Macas who were strong spiritual mentors in my time there. There were tons of kids from the youth group as well as other close teacher friends of mine from the school. The most encouraging part was that, at one point, everyone shared their goodbyes. Amidst tears were words of how I had shown them love and friendship that they hadn't experienced before; that I had shown them hope and acceptance; that I had encouraged them and challenged them in their walks with the LORD that sparked a fire and would continue to fan into a flame, even if I couldn't be there to lead them on. Someone very dear to my heart had told me only days before that I didn't even know how much I had impacted the people of Macas. And I really didn't think I did very much. But listening to people share was God's way of confirming that yes, I had been used by Him in big ways to love on and encourage so many. I thought I would need a year, but He showed me that He can do these things in 2 months. One of the girls in my d-group said that I had spent more time with them and apart of their lives in the past two months than some missionaries did in years.

All throughout that morning, I was receiving text messages and phone calls form so many people. Words of encouragement; sharing my pain and assuring me that I was undeserving of this judgement and persecution. Words of love and compassion. Over and over the message of how much I would be missed and cherished was burned into my brain. I heard so many people say "Ali, more than anything you have to know you did nothing wrong." SO many words of support and love. People cried with me and for me when I shared with them in person, which moved me so deeply to know that as much as I loved the Macabean people and the community, God was showing me they felt the same for me. And the message that was repeated the most was "we want you to come back Ali. If you don't come back with the mission organization, we will pray and trust that God will open the door for you to come back another way." So many families told me that I am welcome to stay and live with them if (and when) I come back.

And above all else, I hear God saying in all of this "well done, good and faithful servant." For a moment I felt like a failure, a very brief moment. And God completely crushed that lie within the last 24 hours that I was in Macas. And I don't know if I'll be going back. Honestly, even if I get invited back by the mission, I don't know if I want to be back under their leadership. I do know this: I will be going back. God has given me peace and confidence in that area. I don't know if it'll be next week, I don't know if it'll be next year. I don't know when, but I know that God has given me such a deep passion and desire for that city, specifically the people. And I know I will be going back. God is faithful.

Numb

2008-10-09T05:56:00.000-07:00

"How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?

How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I wrestle with my thoughts

and every day have sorrow in my heart?

How long will my enemy triumph over me?

my enemy will say "I have overcome him,"

and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

But I trust in your unfailing love;

my heart rejoices in your salvation.

I will sing to the LORD,

for He has been good to me."

-Psalm 13

This is where I am right now, minus the last two verses. I haven't reached that part yet; I can't find myself rejoicing in my salvation right now. I do trust in God's unfailing love, but after all day yesterday crying out to God not only in prayer but in tears, I just feel numb. NONE of this makes ANY sense right now. Not even in the slightest. Everything and everyone seems to be against me. I am being treated as a common criminal and have been told straight faced that there is a lack of trust in me. I'm sure you are wondering what in the world I am talking about, but it's nothing to lay out on a blog. I'm coming home for a week and I leave the Quito airport tomorrow late at night to arrive in Portland Saturday morning just after 11 AM. Again, the things going on are nothing to talk about in a blog; they are far too personal and I don't want to speak about any of this over something so public as the internet. I just want to know why. Why this is happening. I can't see God in any of this. I want to be angry at Him because I feel abandoned and I feel the weight of so much judgement and persecution that feels and is completely unjust. I have decided to come home for a time because I need my family and the counsel of some wise friends right now more than anything. I need to get out of Macas and be away from everything going on to really make the ridiculous decision I have been asked to make. I need time to clear my head and seek the LORD, because right now He feels so far away and I can't see Him in any of this. I want to. I trust in His love, I just can't feel any of it right about now. How long will you hide Your face from me?

Refreshing

2008-10-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was such a day of healing for me.

Thank the LORD, I didn't even know how much I needed it until I was actually in Cuenca talking with Jennie and Samuel.

Some friends from Salem, Samuel and Jennie Pino, are visiting in Ecuador right now. Samuel is form Ecuador and they met while Jennie was going to school in Quito and eventually got married. Now they live in Salem, but were here to visit family/visit Ecuador. I knew that they would be around during the next couple of days, but I didn't know exactly where or when I would be able to meet up with them, or if I would even get to meet up with them. I did know, however, that my heart was desperately hoping and longing for a chance to visit with them. I was trying to tell myself that if I couldn't meet up with them I would still be ok, but even with that, I couldn't let go of the desire to visit with them.

Saturday, I got a call from Jennie letting me know that she and Samuel would be in Cuenca Sunday and if I could take a bus out to meet them, they could pick me up at the Terminal and we could spend the morning and afternoon visiting. Of course I wanted to go out to Cuenca and be with them!! To hear from her was wonderful; I didn't even care that it was 7 hour bus ride (it really isn't a long distance on a map, it's just that the buses go through the windy mountain roads so it takes quite some time), I just knew that I wanted/needed to visit with them. So that night, Ivonne and I got on the bus to leave for Cuenca at 11 PM and arrived in Cuenca the next morning just before 6 AM. Ivonne went to her parent's house and Jennie and Samuel picked me up and took me to their hotel.

Like I said before, I didn't even realize how badly I needed to see and talk with them until I was actually sitting with them in the hotel lobby, sharing completely honestly about EVERYTHING that has been going on the past two months. One of the greatest things, is that Samuel and Jennie also know Robin and Wendy very well. The few people that I have shared with, in some details, don't really know Robin and Wendy and so conversations were never really ones that made me feel completely at rest. But to talk with people who know both myself and Robin and Wendy quite well, it was sooo good.

Among many, many things that were healing about the conversation/time with them, one of the biggest was this was the FIRST time I truly felt recognized as an adult. Really. The way they spoke with me and listened to me and the advice they gave, was completely from the perspective of me being an adult, having proved I am mature, and being able to govern myself. One thing Jennie said that I really appreciated was that I am beyond my maturity level in that I have completely left my home country with the desire and passion to serve this year in a completely foreign environment, and I deserve a lot more trust and respect than I have been receiving lately. It was also incredibly refreshing to talk and listen from someone who, like myself, went to Ecuador at a young age to live with a family she had not known before and trying to figure out how to best live together. Like I mentioned before, when Jennie was 19 going on 20, she went to school in Quito for a semester through Willamette University. Many of the things/circumstances I have been going through she experienced to a certain level of similarity.

It was so healing for my heart to have sympathy and understanding from people who love and care for me dearly. To just sit with them and hear their words of encouragement, and empathy for what I have been going through lately, it brought me so much peace. To share ways that my heart has been hurting and experience the rest and healing that comes from "letting it out" with people I trust and admire so much. . . I can't even begin to explain.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for healing, resting, refreshing and rejuvenating my aching and tired heart. Thank you.

The past weeks in short review

2008-09-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have been reaaaally bad about updating lately. My bad!! I've been sooo busy lately and honestly haven't had the time to update. I've wanted to. Many, many times. Oooh, I have wanted to. There have been things these past few weeks that have hurt me to the point of being in tears and praying that God would just remind me that I live for and serve Him ALONE, and then there have been times where I have been overjoyed and cannot praise God enough for the newness and joy of so many things I am experiencing and learning about here. I have experienced a range of emotions and learned sooo many things; I feel like I live a month with each passing week by the amount of stuff that goes on in one of these weeks lately. So, sorry that the past few weeks have been a mystery. I'll start by saying one of the main reasons I have been so crammed with stuff lately.

So, on Friday the 12th after school got out, Robin, the school administrator and the husband of the family I am living with, called me into his office for an "urgent meeting" and I have to admit, I was a little nervous. Like, maybe I was doing something wrong. But no, apparently that was not the case at all. What happened was that the english professor, Raul, had to leave Emmanuel because he was offered a job as an engineer (which is his passion) in Cuenca. And Robin just found out that day, which isn't uncommon here (you know, in the states we have the whole "two week notice" thing, but that isn't really enforced here). So Robin had called me in to let me know that I would from now on in be responsible for teaching english to the kinder through 6th grade students. I would no longer be teaching any computer classes, and would no longer have the responsibilities of the library. Which, although it is quite the hefty task to take on, I was overjoyed when he told me. It was SUCH an answer to prayer that I never saw coming. I was just feeling a little bummed about teaching computer classes and only 4 english classes, because I really wanted to do my best, but didn't feel gifted in the area of teaching computers. So I was praying that God would just continue to give me a servant's heart in the matter, and to remember I am here to serve wherever the need is. So, I was asking God to help me surrender my plans and embrace His. And then He showed me His plans involved a little change that I can't thank Him enough for.

Well, I am discovering it really is quite the daunting task teaching 7 different grades of english. They all use different books, so there are literally seven different teacher books to go through and plan out lessons. And I can't just plan straight from the book; there's also interactive activities to plan, there's grading to do when kids finish homework from the work book. . . there's A LOT. And today I was just feeling really overwhelmed by it all. First of all, because monday is my busiest day (I have five english classes on mondays) and second of all, because majority of the students didn't do their homework and the 3rd graders just plain didn't remember/get anything from last thursdays' lesson. So I was just feeling really overwhelmed and vulnerable to spiritual attack. Like, as soon as one of the third graders told me they didn't do their homework because they really didn't understand, I immediately thought "it's cause I'm a bad teacher." I knew it was a spiritual attack, but it sounded so true in the moment.

So later I was sitting in the "library" (it's really not much of a library right about now) trying to grade papers but not being able to because I was just feeling really low, when a friend walked in and asked what was the matter. I told him that everything was just not coming together right about now and I was feeling like I just want to teach the students to the best of my ability but I feel like I'm not doing that, and I feel like a bad teacher if they don't get it, and I just feel plain overwhelmed. He said a lot of very encouraging things. Including reminding me of some truths that I was forgetting lately: considering the fact that I have never gone to college, I just had to pick up 4 new english classes in one weekend, of course I'm going to feel overwhelmed. But the fact is that whether or not I have a college education isn't what will carry me or make me a better teacher here; the fact that I am here teaching because I have a desire to serve and a passion to teach and I absolutely adore kids, THAT is what will keep me here and make me the best teacher I could possibly be. And, most important of all, God is never going to leave me to do this on my own. Ever. I need to remember to put my trust in Him. He is my rock and my redeemer.

Those were good encouraging words. I think it can just be overwhelming when I feel like there is so much I would like to do with the kids, but not enough class time or not enough time to prep. But it's ok. I serve a Mighty God. He is where I find my strength and where I place my trust.

Some really, REALLY great news lately: I have had the blessing lately to begin discipling a girl one-on-one here. She is about 17 and recently decided to return to the church. Edison knows her pretty well, and she said she was wanting to get back involved, but really wanted to have someone lead her in a sort of Bible study to really get a solid faith base going. Edison suggested me, and we met last week and I'll be getting together with her again later today, which I'm really excited about. She's really a sweet girl with a genuine heart. I'm so blessed and humbled by this opportunity to be used in her life. I look forward to the ways that I will grow and be stretched in this time as well. Yay God! :)

I Belong Here

2008-09-02T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today was the first day with students. It was a gorgeous day from the beginning. Classes start at 7:30, and I didn't have an English class until 9:15, so I had some time just to spend with kids and get to know some of them and see their excited faces for the first day of school. One of the little girls who came was crying and didn't want to go into class. She's in 4to de Basica (3rd grade), in Edison's class, and was standing at the gate clinging to her mother and balling. Edison was trying to get her to come into the school, but she refused to let go of her mom. Edison kept looking back towards his classroom and I could tell he was thinking that he should go back with his student, so I asked if I could stay with the girl. Her name is Nayeli. After her mom finally pried Nayeli's death grip from her arm, Nayeli was sobbing uncontrollably. I stood next to her and rubbed her back, and just waited until she calmed down a bit. After she had stopped crying, she still didn't want to leave the gate, so I stood with her and asked her questions about her summer vacation, her family, what were some of her favorite school subjects. . . lots of different things to take her mind off of missing her mom. She didn't want to go into the classroom, so I told her that was ok, that we could just hang out and we would go to the class when she was ready. I gave her the option of going to look at the new computer lab and library, and she liked that idea so after 30 minutes of standing in front of the school gate, we made some progress by going into the school. Her class was going outside to do an activity, and I asked if she would like to see the classroom while the kids are out. She said yes, so she accompanied me to look at the room. We found her desk and set her backpack there, then she accompanied me to the 3to de Basica classroom because they were my first english class today. They are sooo adorable!! I introduced myself and taught the kids a simple good morning song, and asked them what they think they would like about english. They said they loved singing english songs. :) We played a name game, and then the class was over. After that, I led an activity with Edwin, the language professor for the secondary kids (grades 7 - 9), since he and I will be paired up leading a reading activity sort of like "big brother, big sister" with kids from 3rd/6th grade, and then 2nd/7th grade. we played a game I learned at camp, and they LOVED it. It made me laugh to see them play, and Nayeli helped me lead the game. After that, we had snack time in the cafeteria, and Nayeli told me that after recess she felt ready to go to class. I was so excited for her! I took her to the classroom and sat with her for a few minutes, and then went to go see Ivonne. I was telling her about Nayeli, and how excited I was that she made it into the classroom, and Ivonne told me that Nayeli has had a very rough last few months. Her father passed away from a brain tumor in May, and this is her first year at Emmanuel because of a scholarship that the family received. She has been taking a lot of her mother's pain from losing her father, and feels responsible for her mother's happiness a lot lately. My heart sank just thinking how much weight she was carrying on such tiny shoulders. But at the same time, when we were at recess playing a game, I saw her smile for the first time that day. And we talked a bit when we went into the library, and it was such a joy and a blessing to witness her open up a little bit more.

I went back into the classroom ten minutes before the bell was going to ring to end the day to say goodbye to Nayeli and the rest of the kids. In Ecuador, when the kids leave, they all kiss the professor (girls kiss the male and female professors on the cheek, and boys kiss the female professors, but shake the hands of the male professors). So while they were getting their things in their backpacks, Edison said "besa la señorita" and I received 23 sets of arms around my beck to pull my head down to their level, accompanied with 23 sweet little kisses on my cheek. It made my day!!

Today was such a beautiful day. Not because of the weather, but because of the joy of having the kids in school and having such a prominent feeling of purpose and belonging throughout the day. I am so thankful that God has called me here this year. I am in love with these kids already! When I went into the 3to de Basica class for the English lesson, I asked if any of the kids remembered my name from the Inauguration ceremony the day before. One of the girls raised her hand, and said "your name is Ali, and you have the most beautiful singing voice I've ever heard!" :) At the inauguration, I sang "Open the Eyes of My Heart" after Samuel sang it in spanish.

I am so excited to be a part of these kids lives this year, and to get to know the girls who will be in the discipleship group. It is so excited to now have started the school year!!

What a beautiful day.

"Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you. . .

my soul clings to you,

Your right hand upholds me."

-Psalm 63:3-5; 8

Traditional

2008-08-23T13:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening we went out to hermana Patricia and hermano Pedro's house for dinner. They cooked us up a very traditional and DELICIOUS Ecuadorian meal of Ianpacos (eye-ann-pacos), yucca, rice, and guayusa (why-use-a). Ianpacos is a dish that is cooked wrapped up in a banana leaf or an Ianpaco leaf, of chicken with palm and onions cooked over a coal barbecue. It is absolutely delicious. Yucca is a vegetable similar to a potato in appearance, but not quite the same in texture. Guayusa is a very sweet tea; it almost tastes like pure honey and sugar. It has about the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. It is the tea of Macas, and has a lot of interesting stories tied into it's history. The Shuar women used to make the tea by rubbing the leaf against their outer thigh because it was considered to make it sweeter (ha ha!). I was also told that women should drink it when they are trying to get pregnant, because it makes them fertile. Lastly, the legend I have heard the most since I've been here, is that when you drink guayusa, you can't leave Macas (or at least stay away for too long).

A lot of the older women in the church have already started to tell me they really want me to marry one of the guys here so that I can stay in Macas. It is so funny to me to hear them talk, because they say things like "Ali, the Ecuadorian men are very good men. They are romantics. They will take good care of you." and things like that, as if to persuade me. :) They love teasing me about a specific guy named Manolo after I told them I love piano music, because Manolo plays the piano and sings wonderfully. They said we would be a perfect match, because he wants to be a missionary too. We could serve the LORD during the day, and in the evenings he could sit at the piano and sing to me. :) I always tell them I wouldn't be against marrying an Ecuadorian, but I'm not seeking a husband while I'm here, either.

I feel flattered more than anything when the women and other people in the church make comments like that. Comments that mean they like me and want me to stay. To know that you are appreciated and accepted so quickly is an amazing feeling. I feel so honored and humbled when someone tells me they are so glad I am here, or they tell me they don't want me to leave. My friend Edwin today told me that he thinks this is going to be a very blessed year. I asked him why, and he said "because we have the blessing of you living and serving here in Macas with us." I tried to say that I was the one who was blessed to be here with everyone, and he just kept repeating " un año bendicida". A blessed year. :)

New friends and favorites

2008-08-15T09:35:00.000-07:00

Wednesday and Thursday have been my favorite days so far. Joshua, Caleb, and I met up with Isaac and the kids from the orphanage at the park. Isaac is 22 and is originally from BC Canada. His family lives in Riobamba, Ecuador and runs an orphanage there. He moved here to Macas last year to start an orphanage after hearing that there was a need for one in the city. There are about 12 kids that are living in the orphanage, and most of them are jungle kids. Isaac says he's strict about rules with them because a lot of them have never had anyone care before about what they did or when they did it. I had so much fun playing with the kids! One of the little boys in the orphanage, Daniel, is 7 and has a mental and physical disability. He always runs up to me and tugs on my shirt to pick him up. When I do, he gives me a big kiss on the cheek. Isaac was telling me (while Daniel was hitting him) that Daniel only hits people he likes. I said that was pretty funny, because so far all he's ever done is kissed me. He told me Daniel must hate me then. :)

Another wonderful thing about the park is that it is at the top of a hill that has a 360 degree view of the city and surrounding jungle. It was BEAUTIFUL. We could see the Sangay Volcano because the sky was so clear; I was told you're lucky if you see it 5 times in a year. You could see the whole volcano and it's HUGE. It's so close to the city! Another gorgeous view was of the river that runs through the jungle.

I think I've found my new favorite spot in the city. I'd like to make the walk out to the park ocasionally in the evenings just to sit and look out at the beauty God has created encircling Macas.

The orphanage house is on the other side of the city from where I live, and I went there yesterday to visit Isaac and the play with the kids. He doesn't really get to spend a lot of time with people over the age of ten, so he invited me to come over whenever I had some free time. After talking to Isaac for awhile, I asked him who cut all the kids hair. He said someone at church usually does, but the kids hadn't had haircuts in months. I told him I cut my brothers' hair every now and again, and he got really excited. I told him I like cutting hair and would gladly cut the kids' hair sometime. "How about right now?" was his response, so I said of course. For the rest of the afternoon, I gave haircuts to 10 of the kids. He didn't have a buzzer, so I had to cut the boys' hair by hand and it took a little longer than I'm used to. I cut Anaela's hair first of the girls, and she wanted a chin-length bob with bangs. After I cut here hair like that, all of the girls wanted the exact same hair cut. So I guess I'm responsible if Isaac can't tell the girls apart anymore. :)

I was NOT killing chickens!

2008-08-11T16:00:00.000-07:00

I made the subject line because today I was doing a lot of painting at the school on the stair rails and walls, and I happened to be using red paint. One of the men from the church came by the school during the day and seeing my legs and arms covered in swipes of red, thought he'd tease me and asked me if I had been out killing chickens for dinner. The funny thing is, he knew I would see it as a joke, but it wouldn't be surprising if I had said yes. Well, maybe it would be surprising if I did because I'm the American, but not if one of the other women at the church said yes.

Another funny story tied in to the painting theme was that today I wore really basic, not at all flattering clothes to paint in. I had on some basketball shorts and one of my soccer T-shirts. Ivonne and I were talking about how guys always whistle at you when you are walking down the streets. And I mean always. Yesterday when I was walking outside after church, I think I walked about 4 blocks and was whistled at about 3 different times. So, Ivonne and I were joking that today I would be off the hook since I obviously looked completely unattractive. But we STILL got whistled at, and I just said, "why?!" We were laughing for a long time. Edison was trying to convince me that I should see it as a compliment here if I get whistled at. "It's not like in the states," he said, "it's much more respectful for a man to whistle at you here." Yeah right. It's just more common. There are also little things that are funny to me about how forward the guys are here; They will always tell me without feeling like they would embarass me if they think I look attractive or when they look at my pictures, they'll say "te mires bien guapa" (you look really good/attractive). They will call mi "Alita Linda", or bonita, or guambita, or just linda all the time. After Edison greeted me one morning by saying "hola guambita linda", I asked him why he always had to say that. He said "well, you're beautiful. At least no one is saying 'hi, ugly lady'. You better get used to people flattering you. It's a compliment." They are just more straighforward, I guess. Not that I'm offended. ;)

I am really enjoying the two friends that I have grown closest with thus far: Ivonne and Edison. Edison doesn't speak any english, but he tries, which is REALLY funny, and he is always laughing. He has this crazy laugh and I love it because we all know I have quite a unique laugh, so it feels good to know another person can have just as interesting of a laugh. And I absolutely love Ivonne. We play off each other very well; we are always joking around and laughing together. I am so incredibly thankful that the LORD had Ivonne set out to be my roommate and friend. I adore her.

Praise the LORD, I am falling in love with this city and these people.

Holding on in Trust

2008-08-09T14:43:00.001-07:00

This is an entry I wrote yesterday before I had a chance to get on the internet:

After Ivonne and I kept busy yesterday decorating the room, it was nice to have a mellow day today. We woke up at about 8:30 (which is actually the latest I've slept in so far. The sun rises at about 6:30 every morning, so it's actually harder to stay in bed after 7 unless you really try), had some breakfast, played with the boys and read. While we were reading at about noon, the catholic church that sits kitty-corner from mine and Ivonne's room started to play some music over their loudspeakers just before making a general announcement. It was about a festival they are having this evening to celebrate the virgin Mary. after making the announcement they played a little more music. Ivonne said they make announcements a lot, which is not something I'm looking forward to, because it's very loud and we keep the window open to try and keep things somewhat cool, so it's even louder still.

I went on a walk this afternoon with Wendy and Joshua (he's the four year old) to go see the tailer who will be working on my teaching uniform. We walked along a trail that is right across from the jungle area and it was BEAUTIFUL. I'm really excited to live so close to such beautiful, lush forests. On a good day, when there aren't as many clouds in the sky, there is a beautiful view from the school of the Sangay Volcano. It's not very far away; just outside of the city limits. Ivonne said the trail we will be using on our runs takes us right by the river through a small part of the forest. I'm excited!

I still can't really believe I'm here. I mena, when I walk the streets and go to the stores or am at the house with Robin, wendy, Ivonne and the boys, I know I'm here. But it's still foreign and scary territory to me when I think about just how long I'll be here for. Not in an I-don't-want-to-be-here sort of scary, but in the sense that I've never done anything like this before and just the thought of days, weeks and months here can be so overwhelming and terrifying sometimes. I don't really know how to describe the difference between cold feet and just the fear of the unkown. But even with that weak spot, I know that God has a purpose behind all of this. Because of that, I rest in the assurance that He has brought me here and He is faithful. "When I am most afraid, I put my trust in You; in God I put my trust, fearing nothing [Psalm 56:3-4]".

I thank God and relish in the moments where my spirit is stirred with joy and peace in knowing that this is where God has called me to be. Like when Pastor Domingo greeted me at the prayer meeting Thursday night. He embraced me in this big, bear hug and told me he and his wife have been praying for me ever since they first learned I would be coming, and were so excited for me and blessed to have me as a missionary at the school. He called me "nuestra Hermanita Ali" as he introduced me to the rest of the church. Or when Ivonne and i prayed together the night before she went to Cuenca for the weekend to see her family. I had been praying throughout the year that God would bring me a sister that I could pray with, be real with, and share in fellowship with throughout the year. When we prayed together, I knew that Ivonne would be that sister for me. My heart couldn't stop leaping. Ivonne told me later that she hadn't prayed with a friend like that in years, and was moved to tears. I was so overwhelmed with humility in realizing that not only did God answer my prayers by giving me the accountability and fellowship I needed in Ivonne, but He also wanted to use me to answer her spiritual needs. I am countinually astounded by how intricately God works. It's such a beautiful, awe-inspiring and humbling thing to witness.